upsetting news
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╔═╦══╦═╗ Put this on your
║╩╣║║║║║ page if you are emo
╚═╩╩╩╩═╝ or support emos xx
¸.•*(¸.•*´♥`*•.¸)*•.¸
I am a recovering emo. But I will always be reminded of my past when I look at my scars.
╔══╗♫
║██║ Put this i pod on your profile if you
║(0)║♫ love music!!
╚══╝
|………..|
|………..| Put this on your page
|………..| If you've ever pushed
|…….O.| a door that said
|………..| pull on it.
|………..|
|………..|
~~~~~~~
If you've ever had random loud singing outbursts in public, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile
_________________________
|__|__|__|__|__|__|__|_____\
|__MCR FAN BUS_|_| __\
|_________________ |_| ____|
|_(@'@)____________|_|(@)__| PoST ThIS On uR PaGe IF U ♥ MCR!!!
(\ /)
(O.o)
(>" >)
/_|_\ This is Mr. Bunny. Please paste him to your page to help him with his mission to DOMINATE the world!!!
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.
Take this and if you have a heart, place this on your page.
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, “Hi Chinel. How’s your day been?”
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator while saying work it girl! And telling them to pose.
8)Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the cornerwith a wind up clock in it, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!”
15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, “Group Hug!” and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “Your one of THEM!” and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, “I have new socks on”.
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space”
30 things to do at Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Pee in the sink and see if anyone notices
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Make farting noises as you pass a group of people and blame it on them
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Steal an item from someone’s cart while their looking, see what happens
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
15. Put M&M's on layaway.
16. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
17. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Bat cave!" 26. TP as much of the store as possible.
18. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
19. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
20. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
21. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
22. Take bets on the battle described above.
23. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
24. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
25. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
26. When some one-steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
27. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
28. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no!" It's those voices again!"
29. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
30. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
20 Ways To Annoy A Public Bathroom Stall mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh
! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting. More floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drops the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on Me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
1. Are you Andy or Barney?
2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
5. I pay your salary!
6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
THINGS NOT TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am
THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING CHILD BIRTH
Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!
Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.
25 Ways To Torture Your Roommate At Christmas
Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town....”
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very naughty this year.”
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth....”
Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”
Whip your roomate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”
Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling “Bah Humbug!”
Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”
Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends “give it a yank.”
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.
Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, “he sees you when you’re sleeping....”
Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”
When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
30 More Things We Have Learned From The Movies
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off—even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition—even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective—or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say “hello” or “goodbye” when beginning or ending phone conversations.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption, or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds—unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
Spacecraft in outer space will make a great racket and explode with a bang, vacuum or no vacuum.
Some Ideas To Get Rid Of Telemarketers
“First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later tonight.”
“Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?”
When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: “Yes, but I never allow her (him) to talk to strangers.”
When someone asks how you are: “Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain....”
“You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!”
To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: “Do you get goat’s blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?”
To a phone company solicitor: “That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute?” (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up).
When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, “Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!”
Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.
The 12 days of AOL
On the first day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the second day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the third day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fourth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fifth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the sixth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the seventh day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eight day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the ninth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the tenth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eleventh day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 11 channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the twelveth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 12 reasons to cancel, 11 channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
You Know You’re Too Stressed If
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
You can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin chasing you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an IV drip solution of espresso.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
You can hear mimes.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Things become “Very Clear.”
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You keep yelling “Stop touching me!” even though you are the only one in the room.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
David Lynch comes up to you and says: “Hey! Can I film you?”
You and Reality file for divorce.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before....
╔═╦══╦═╗ Put this on your
║╩╣║║║║║ page if you are emo
╚═╩╩╩╩═╝ or support emos xx
¸.•*(¸.•*´♥`*•.¸)*•.¸
I am a recovering emo. But I will always be reminded of my past when I look at my scars.
╔══╗♫
║██║ Put this i pod on your profile if you
║(0)║♫ love music!!
╚══╝
|………..|
|………..| Put this on your page
|………..| If you've ever pushed
|…….O.| a door that said
|………..| pull on it.
|………..|
|………..|
~~~~~~~
If you've ever had random loud singing outbursts in public, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile
_________________________
|__|__|__|__|__|__|__|_____\
|__MCR FAN BUS_|_| __\
|_________________ |_| ____|
|_(@'@)____________|_|(@)__| PoST ThIS On uR PaGe IF U ♥ MCR!!!
(\ /)
(O.o)
(>" >)
/_|_\ This is Mr. Bunny. Please paste him to your page to help him with his mission to DOMINATE the world!!!
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.
Take this and if you have a heart, place this on your page.
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, “Hi Chinel. How’s your day been?”
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator while saying work it girl! And telling them to pose.
8)Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the cornerwith a wind up clock in it, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!”
15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, “Group Hug!” and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “Your one of THEM!” and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, “I have new socks on”.
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space”
30 things to do at Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Pee in the sink and see if anyone notices
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Make farting noises as you pass a group of people and blame it on them
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Steal an item from someone’s cart while their looking, see what happens
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
15. Put M&M's on layaway.
16. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
17. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Bat cave!" 26. TP as much of the store as possible.
18. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
19. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
20. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
21. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
22. Take bets on the battle described above.
23. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
24. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
25. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
26. When some one-steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
27. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
28. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no!" It's those voices again!"
29. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
30. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
20 Ways To Annoy A Public Bathroom Stall mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh
! My glass eye!'6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting. More floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drops the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on Me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
1. Are you Andy or Barney?
2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
5. I pay your salary!
6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
THINGS NOT TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am
THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING CHILD BIRTH
Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!
Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.
25 Ways To Torture Your Roommate At Christmas
Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town....”
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very naughty this year.”
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth....”
Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”
Whip your roomate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”
Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling “Bah Humbug!”
Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”
Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends “give it a yank.”
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.
Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, “he sees you when you’re sleeping....”
Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”
When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
30 More Things We Have Learned From The Movies
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off—even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition—even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective—or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say “hello” or “goodbye” when beginning or ending phone conversations.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption, or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds—unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
Spacecraft in outer space will make a great racket and explode with a bang, vacuum or no vacuum.
Some Ideas To Get Rid Of Telemarketers
“First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later tonight.”
“Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?”
When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: “Yes, but I never allow her (him) to talk to strangers.”
When someone asks how you are: “Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain....”
“You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!”
To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: “Do you get goat’s blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?”
To a phone company solicitor: “That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute?” (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up).
When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, “Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!”
Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.
The 12 days of AOL
On the first day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the second day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the third day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fourth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fifth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the sixth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the seventh day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eight day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the ninth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the tenth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eleventh day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 11 channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the twelveth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 12 reasons to cancel, 11 channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 Web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
You Know You’re Too Stressed If
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
You can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin chasing you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an IV drip solution of espresso.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
You can hear mimes.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Things become “Very Clear.”
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You keep yelling “Stop touching me!” even though you are the only one in the room.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
David Lynch comes up to you and says: “Hey! Can I film you?”
You and Reality file for divorce.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before....
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