Why? at All poetry

Who am i? I look in the mirror and i hear this voice and it is not mine. It's like i am astral projecting, this is not me. The real me is out there somewhere, she looks different, talks different and has a beautiful life not full of sickness, abuse, rage, hate or lonliness. I have a biological mother, she is not really my mother. A real mother would not treat me this way. Belittle me, i'm always evil, worthess, i never do anything for her, all i think about is myself. She beat the shit out of Nikki my baby, she just died at the age of 12. Now there is a new one in the house and she slaps this one too. Everytime i'm around her i get sick to my stomach, anxiety and such rage that i want to physically hurt her. I just checked my blood pressure and it was over 160! Every time i'm aroung her she is killing me slowly. I know i have to leave i'm just trying to figure out a game plan and of course all game plans cost money. To live your dream, money, to travel, money. It all comes down to dead trees just to live your life like u truley want to. Even though Nikki is gone i just talked to her. Her ashes are here with me . I talk to ther all the time, just like i used to. I want to move somewhere warm and to never know the cold again. When i do leave i will never come back here, not even on holidays, never, i am done with this place when i am gone. Sometimes you have to let go of those that are killing u on the inside even if it is your family. I don't want this but i have to for my own mental health. I will leave and not tell her where i am going, just dissapear. I already am invisible to her, i am nothing but a mistake. Now my sister, the first born, well, she is the black angel of hell. Commmited every crime u can imagine, doe every drug, an addict and professional lier, yet she is still Joan's favorite. I call my mother Joan Crawford-no wire hangers! She is just like that woman was, evil. I never know when she will go off. Walking on egg shells, that's what it is like to live in an abusive house. She is emotionally detachted. I can count on one hand how many times i have seen her cry. She is cold, manipulative, calculating, guit trips and uses words as a weapon. I wish she would have beaten the shit out of me my whole life, those bruises heal, words stay in your soul forever. Hit me not Nikki, take it out on me, she does just not with her fists. I only live here because of my illness. I stay in my basement away from her. I have no reason to go upstairs anymore now that Nikki is gone. I have what i need down here, it's big and i can do what i want. You can't hear much down here. I just don't know why. Why can't she stop? Does she even know what she is doing or saying, maybe she does and she dosen't care. I will never understand and i will never forgive her for what she has done to me. All her money given to my deadbeat sister that has a son that is also abused just like me. Drug addict mother that beats him, has nothing and still relies on mommy for money even though she is in her 40's. She will never change or grow up. We don't have a relationship. My cousin wants us to but i told her u didn't have to grow up with her, she is not your sister. Sister, what does that word mean. Just because these people have these titles dosen't mean they deserve them. Ayone can have a child. Because of joan i will never have children. Joan uses me as a punching bag and says the things she wants to say to my sister. But im the one that gets all the hate and anger. I kept everything in before but now i don't. The beast is let out and it's going to stay out and it's dangerous. I want to hurt everyone around me, physical pain. I want them to fell what i have felt all my life. Give what i have gotten.

My highschool dream

By charmedmad4eva on May 21^st 2009, terribly early in the morning.
on topic Why?

my life began in high school when i met my soon to be very first boyfriend and i decided that today i was to be very friendly and giggly with him then i noticed him walking across the room to meet me so i stood still with a smile on my face and greeted him he asked me if prue or phoebe were at home and i said yes but they were busy and i was available and my heart stopped beating for that minute i could not stop thinking about him and i could not believe he was stood talking to me he mentioned that he was crazy about a girl and then for that second my heart raced i knew i had fallen completley in love with this special and cute guy then after he had gone the bell rang and it was time for class.