Tiffanijoux• Show poetry

So here I am.

Which is all well and good. I suppose. I mean Id rather be here than not all. The issue being that as much as I am physically here - as in I exist - I have suddenly realised that for the last few months thats about all I have been doing. I dont think I have been living to live, but merely living as a way to pass the time. And I might add that by passing the time, I dont mean as in a hobby, not the kind of past time you collect books on, spend all your disposable income on, and rush home from work for. This passing of time is more like what you do while your waiting for your nails to dry, the kind of time spent in the doctors reception area before your appointment, or those painfully long moments after you return from your lunch break and sit at your desk watching the minutes go by until 5pm.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock

Obviously this is not fun and I am not having the time of my life. I am only 24, I feel I should be enjoying myself a little more. I dont expect every day to start like I woke up in a theme park with an open bar, but a little more pleasure in day to day activities would surely not be too much to ask.

Now I am well aware that I have only myself to blame for the demise of my happiness. I know that I, and I alone am responsible for my reactions and choices. Inspirational quotes and self help books can only take me so far - the rest is up to me, (perhaps fate, God, destiny, the government and all that play a part here, but for arguments sake lets just ignore these variables and pretend Im in control).
I consider myself a fairly complex individual. I imagine we all think this way. I like to think Im a little more complex than the next person though. I imagine we probably all think this way too. I won't deny I have issues, possibly a mental disorder or two has slipped in over the years, dependancy issues, independancy issues, guilt, addiction etc...but whatever doesnt kill us only makes us stronger, right? Or more confused and troubled. Who knows.

The plan from here is to make it right. To fix my life piece by piece. Almost like a puzzle - but without the four corners and straight edges to know where to start form. Also there is no picture. It basically a puzzle that is a picture of a white wall. So really you have no idea what you're doing. Its pretty frustrating and at a guess I would say that 9 out of 10 people give up, probably beacuse they dont see the point and its pretty boring. I will admit that characteristically I am a whole lot of promise with very little follow through. I would be the second of that 9 to pack it all in. Lets hope I can pull this off...

I like to think a lot. I thought I better mention that. I'm one of those over analyzing types, I typically think about everything, but act entirely on impulse. I think this is something I need to work on. Also thinking before I talk. By talk I mean telling stories with no point, the kind of story which is only amusing to the people involved. The 'you had to be there' moments. The highly inappropriate stories about past sexual adventures that you share with your current partner. The ' this one time, when I was caught sleeping under my desk while I was coming down from using Class A drugs..' stories that you randomly feel the need to tell your current boss. I think if they were to do a MRI scan of my head, they would find that the part of your brain which controls tact, will be missing in action.

I also tend to over exaggerate. Usually by a factor of 8. So basically if I say something, and it is easily divisible by 8, I probably made it up.

I also have to be early for everything or I get irritably nervous and panicky.

I change my mind regularly on everything, and without prior warning. This makes decision making a struggle, as it is difficult to remember what side of the argument I am on. This is made even more challenging as I am highly opinionated and stubborn.

My thoughts go off in tangents and my conversation flitters about random topics, from politics to shoes in one breath. It all seems terribly logical to me, but mildly amusing and somewhat confusing to other conversational participants.

I tend to suffer from moments of obscure and overwhelming energy and creativity where I cant sleep, and spend all night painting, writing, running or redecorating a room in my house.

Tonight is such a night.