Recoverymom• Show poetry

Well, where do I start?

My real name is Jennifer I have 2 children Elijah-6 and Alex-3. Recently I left my husband because of emotional abuse. I am hoping to yet again get on my feet and learn how to live again. I am an addict and I am recovering from crack, pills. I also suffer from sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, bi-polar disorder, and co-dependency. I have been writing for a few years now and would appriciate your HONEST view on my writing.

If you ever need help seek it. I go to a great recovery program called Celebrate Recovery, and they are everywhere, the church I attend holds a celebrate recovery meeting there and we were able to establish the first CR in a NC prison, you can check out their web site at CelebrateRecovery.com They have many different groups there Women Chemical dependency, Mens chemical dependency, anger, Vets in recovery, grief, Sexual physical and emotional abuse, depression, divorce, all kinds of support groups to get in. Hope you check it out.


My Testimony:

My name is Jennifer and I am here to share my testimony with you and my prayer today is that I am able To help you understand what God has done in my life and the many changes he has made to me. To open up and allow you to enter into my world. To hopefully inspire someone to make changes in their own lives and allow the God the chance to have his will over your lives.

On a daily basis I struggle with depression, bi-polar disorder, a drug addiction, sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, co-dependency, and several other malfunctions that God has placed in my life to allow me to grow in him. To learn to depend on him and to turn my life over to his will.

As a small child I grew up with an alcoholic father who was physically and emotionally abusive. Around the age 3, I was molested and this lasted until about 9 years of age. This was done to me by 5 different people.

When I was 6 I was blessed with a little brother who to this day has his own struggles with life. when he was 9 mo old he got spinal meningitis and both of my parents worked and therefore I was given the title of little momma, I took care of him like he was my own at 6 yrs old I knew how to make a bottle, give medication to an ill baby, and bathe a baby all by my self.

I remember many parties that my parents had. I have memories of being daddy’s little girl and at the same time I felt like I had to be afraid of my life if he was drunk. I remember him throwing tables, refrigerators and many other things.

Alcoholism and drug addiction was always rampid in my family my dad was an abused child and so was my grandmother and I suspect my grandfather as well.

My first thought of suicide was around age 9 I remember sitting in my room with a knife to my stomach and the only thing that stopped me was fear of going to hell. a few years later I began a downward spiral of self mutilation and suicidal thoughts and attempts.

In Jan. 1997 I was raped. two weeks later my parents split up and we were sent into a battered women's shelter. that is about the time I started to smoke cig.

I continuously had night mares of my dad coming to kill me and my mom and brother. they got worse after we got our own place. I was picked up by the Dallas police after my mom had called the cops stating that I was on my way to kill my dad. By this time I had already tried weed for the first time. A short time after we moved into the apartment I had sex with someone to prove if I could make that decision on my own. I know that's really sounds stupid but to a 15 yr old it made since.

After a while things cooled down and my dad had straightened up and moved in with my grandmother and started going to church. so my brother and I went to visit with out DSS approval. when they found out they put us in foster care. eventually I ran away and was placed in a group home. Later on we were returned to my moms care. She had got with my step father who in a lot of way really does care but the ways he handles things can be verbally abusive.

When I turned 16 I met David. At this time I was really smoking marijuana and drinking when ever I could. Then we started having our problems and being so young and not knowing how to deal with life I left.

That's where Elijah comes in I got pregnant and when I was 6 mo pregnant ,David and I got back together. After I had Elijah I got my GED, got married to David and got pregnant with Alex,

Then things got complicated I got my med term, med coding, med billing, and I was taking a CNA class and a phlebotomy class at the same time at two different schools, on top of working full time. I have always had to have something going on in my life, simple life wasn't for me that just gave me time with my head and that's not good.

Mid June 05 I had a wreck after falling asleep at the wheel. the next day I was told about cocaine and how it would keep me awake. I had to do something I was already going through several bottles of caffeine pills and as much coffee as I could drink. so I got a bag. to be honest I didn't know what I was even buying I had never seen it before. a few months went by I was losing weight, getting evicted and using every day.

After we moved I couldn't find any one night but someone had crack and asked me if I wanted to try that desperate I said yes the first time I screwed up and didn't get high but on the second time I was hooked.

I stayed gone for days. Doing whatever I could to stay high. I was also taking pills and drinking to keep me kind of mellow I cant count the times I should have died form using.

Then one of my many wake up calls happened. David and I was arguing and I was going to go to my dads and take the boys with me so after my last long night I came home packed up our stuff and fell asleep down stairs. A little bit later my brother in law left and I didn't know so I didn't lock the top lock and my babies got outside and were running up and down the road and someone called the police. Alex had no diaper and his hand was cut. the cops called DSS and the care of my kids was placed with my dad they allowed us to move in as well hoping that we would get clean.

That's when we started going to church we lasted a whole two weeks and then I relapsed and again two weeks after that I relapsed again then my dad had me committed to the seventh floor

When I got out we started celebrate recovery I then had a clean time of 68 days and then I relapsed. I ended up at the hospital and the doctor had me committed to broughton and they had me committed to black mtn. after I got out I lasted a little while and was back at it yet again. Then I entered into pathways and stayed for a few days. checked out and went back to using.

August 29 2006 I was using and I made yet another big mistake. I robbed McDonalds in Mt Holly I was arrested. God is working in very big ways on this for me after spending 38 days in jail my mom and husband got me out of jail and I stayed clean for 4 months and relapsed In January 2007. I was charged with robbery with a dangerous weapon, my sentence 120 days house arrest, 36 months intense probation, 6 months of outpatient drug rehab, psychiatric evaluation and maintain medication. God has really done so much in my life. It would probably take as many years that I have been alive to tell you everything. But the big things he has done is bless me with a very understanding family who loves me very much and supports me through thick and thin. My husband has been another big gift from God. He has stuck with me even when I gave up on myself. My wonderful children who are still young enough for me to correct my mistakes. Sobriety and great friends here a Celebrate Recovery. A church who prayers for me and loves me as I am, and doesn't judge me for my past. My home that I live in and most of all giving me grace and mercy and never turning away from me.

When I meet God if he asked me what I learned here on earth? I would have to say try, try again. Never give up and always turn it over to You even if you have to do it every five minutes. It is hard someday to stay clean or to do what is right. Not letting my addictive nature take over and to really try to understand that God can handle anything. And yes I mean what you are going through as well. He always hear my prayers even when I feel that they are stupid I sometimes go to God and say God, this is Jennifer just to make sure he knows its me however I am pretty sure he knows what I am going to say any ways.

I thought that I had to get clean and stop sinning before coming to God that I had to change first that I was so unworthy that he wouldn't hear my sinners prayer but what I have learned lately is I am not the one changing it is God who is making the changes in me as slow or as fast as I need them and he is always aware of what is going on. he does care and his plan for me is to prosper and to allow me to know what love is. for

So long I thought that it was me that I was just unlovable that all I was good for was someone's dumping ground. I truly believed that I was put here to relieve everyone else's stress that I deserved to have all of these things happen to me. Yhat I could never be happy. I turned to drugs instead of God I wanted to numb the pain not face it and come to the understanding that it was their character defects that made them do all of this to me. it was just easier to cover up than to face up.

But here today I stand in front of all of you telling you my daily battles that God and I handle together. and sometimes I have to sit and be still and let my head think just so I don't use. I no longer overload my self. I take the time I need for my self and I speak out when I need a break from life I don't try to be super woman and let life run me. I challenge you to day to drop what you are doing let God handle it and just think. and if you feel you are thinking too much then stop slow down and call someone don't think you have to figure all this out on your own. it took forever for me to build a support network and actually use it when I needed it. the phone is always heavy but what comes after is unbelievable.