Quotes by Fran_LeibowitzQuotes Dashboard

1. Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
2. If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.
3. Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
4. I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
5. If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.
6. Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
7. Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
8. If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
9. Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
10. I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
11. No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
12. I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
13. Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
14. Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
15. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
16. Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
17. Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
18. Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.
19. Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
20. Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.
21. Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
22. When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.
23. I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
24. Favorite animal: steak.
25. All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
26. The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
27. I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.
28. If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.
29. The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
30. Nothing succeeds like address.
31. My favorite animal is steak.
32. Food is an important part of a balanced diet.