Plinkyponk• Show poetry

Two penguins dressed as cats going to a fancy dress party

This is a collective from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The skin was moist and dry. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

2005 Stella Awards

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual
"Stella Awards."

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella
Liebeck
who spilled hot coffee on herself
and successfully sued McDonald's (in USA).

That case inspired the Stella Awards
for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners (from 5th to 1st place)

2005 Stella Awards
5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas,
was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers
after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store.

The owners of the store were understandably surprised
at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
toddler was Ms. Robertson's son

2005 Stella Awards
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles
won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbour ran over his hand
with a Honda Accord.

Mr Truman apparently didn't notice
there was someone at the wheel of the car
when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

2005 Stella Awards
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving
a house he had just finished robbing by way of the
garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go
up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled
it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag
of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In
my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have
been 2nd Place!

2005 Stella Awards
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas,
was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses
after being bitten on the buttocks
by his next door neighbour's beagle.
The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

The award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked
at the time by Mr Williams who had climbed
over the fence into the yard
and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

2005 Stella Awards
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered
to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
$113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
and broke her coccyx (tailbone).

The beverage was on the floor
because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2005 Stella Awards
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware,
successfully sued the owner of a night club
in a neighbouring city when she fell
from the bathroom window to the floor
and knocked out her two front teeth.
This occurred while Ms Walton was trying
to sneak through the window in the ladies room
to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2005 Stella Awards
1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs Merv Grazinski of
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mrs Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago
(RV) motor home. On her first trip home, having driven
onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph
and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back
& make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV
left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The
jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The
company actually changed their manuals on the basis
of this suit, just in case there were any other
complete morons around

spirit in the sky is a lovely friend of mine who sent me these commandments:

(not that i am religious)
1. THOU SHALT NOT BE PERFECT NOR EVEN TRY

2. THOU SHALT NOT TRY TO BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE

3. THOU SHALT LEAVE UNDONE THINGS THAT OUGHT TO BE DONE

4. THOU SHALT NOT SPREAD THYSELF TOO THIN

5. THOU SHALT LEARN TO SAY "NO"

6. THOU SHALT SCHEDULE TIME FOR THYSELF AND THY SUPPORTIVE NEEDS

7. THOU SHALT SWITCH OFF AND DO NOTHING REGULARLY

8. THOU SHALT BE BORING, INELEGANT, UNTIDY AND UNATTRACTIVE AT TIMES

9. THOU SHALT NOT FEEL GUILTY, AND
ESPECIALLY

10. THOU SHALT NOT BE THINE OWN WORST ENEMY.




FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.




1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.



poems for the love of plinkyponk
author: edpeterson


cancer magicallly ------> ???????

~ (*) ~
rises

from a nipple

and disappears


ahhh, but we had chocolate hamburgers for breakfast on that fateful day, we poked flumps into our ears

and fluffed.

Please, to all who read this, help write the poem.
I cannot do it on my own,
afterall Q-tips are not to be used on
one's
rectum.

dear mrs. fluffbubble:

how we laughed right from the belly, shaking,
and praying for release from these pokey bones, that rattled
while we tattled on ourselves
craving the spankings we so richly deserved.

pish, drumble, pathack, pish, pathach, pish pish
went the battery,
cymbals quivering like tin jello.

Hello

Hell, Oh,
I must have taken the wrong bus,
does this one go to the palace?

A PAL'S ASS
where fire rains
and fire ants gnash their hairy teeth

I pulled on my underwees
the ones with the little bears on


I'd add but I'm not too sure the mechanics of plink style


and little beer stains where boys might spill
things done by bears in the woods with the pope
but I swear they were washed just last wednesday

but deep inside the flap behind the flap-a-doodle
between the thighs and up in front of naughty nether regions
my prostate swells percipitous in sympathetic thumppp
(you always made me swelter theres about, I swelter still)

i dont know plinky either ... love the piece
shades of dr zeuss, alice, monty python and wonderland nonsensical (beautiful nonesense) logic in the world of upside-downness, inside- turned- out; which we should all visit more often ! .... love it


and the penguins marched for Gwynn, she piddled-puddled then along with flingle floops and fuzzy slippers left in thw waiting room..

the doctor said; "my dear, furry pink is not in this year and with a flyingscalpelmovementswift .. it buggered off...

and the penguins clapped and they poured sherry into teapots and the breeze from the Tyne made every fish jumpjinlglyjangly into the North Sea and they swam to Finland and beyond..

and it all got quite smelly as James Bolam used to sing to us all on the telly, that we should have fishes-on-dishes for such lovely lassies such as Miss Ponk of the finest Cleveland grassy steps and pretty moss..

and her slippers get wet, when she tootles down the road to the post office to send off her penguins in black and white anoraks..

night night


i fink a glooble isn't worth
as much as a spindly hutch for
curly sea horses but when you
hatch a plinky it blinks lots
because it sees way more
than usuals do and that is why
i love them and that is
the real reason plinkles wear
wigs because then
you cannot recognise them and jump
on their laps
on busses and lick their faces with
a
charming squelch. they work undercover
and babysit
little gloops' imaginorey friends and if
the gloops don't come back a plink
will adopt the little imaginorey so
they will have a safe place to flump about
and that is why we love plinkypants we do.


in the sprinkle of colorful light bulbs,
I plug my hearing to ear the sounds of dancing dew drops that play games with the mind

but then who cares what color pink really is when it plops itself into my soul, boldy refreshing the mesh ot tides that play tag with the sea shore...

See I never had a candy cane that didn't taste like peppermint, and I never ate menthol when it was mixed with nictonie but I always ran into someone who had breath that smelled like vodak after the storm was way past the sunrise

Blue-ish-wish-green with envy, I'll run undercover if you'll have me there, frick, frack, white and black stacking onto piles of miles and miles of smiles that freely give lovingly everything that plinks and plocks with the tick tock of the clock,

did time run out?



I love her style, you've captured it well ed. I probably did it no justice but the try was so much fun.

Happy New Year to You and Yours!

Renee

once plink and ed, in a rasher moment
(thoughts of bacon)
described how they named themselves:
ed was still 666, and that was the weight of his scrotum
while "ponk" was the sound plink's boobies made
when dropped upon the scale.

"you want big?
I'll give you heavy"

fucking trickster cosmos


(actually, I got that wrong - it was his head
but he didn't say which)



(to be continued, by YOU)


by ED PETERSON