He carries his sheathe
with sway in his step
He softly breathes,
A concentration adept.
He readies his hilt
With double-jointed fingers
With blade at perfect tilt
Assuring himself the winner.
A ronin ashamed
Because he doesn't have a master
He brings himself fame
For no one else can move faster.
Author notes
here are some listed critques made on this poem.
on May 12, 2005, 9:00 p.m.
To be with out love is to be empty 47 critiques, 1 poems. said:
nice. I cant wait to see who wins!!! =P so maybe you should continue and tell people how the fight goes down or who wins. that might be kinda fun to do, eh?? (delete?) (reply?)dori-ma on May 12, 2005, 9:00 p.m.
the daffodils look lovely today 136 critiques, 2 poems. said:
nice flow and use of words .. really brought it to life in my mind. good luck! (delete?) (reply?)Shawnnessy on May 12, 2005, 9:04 p.m.
There are many paths but only one journey. 307 critiques, 42 poems. said:
straight forward and very direct. i loved the flow of words.. and the great imegery. it is a beautiful poem.. great write (delete?) (reply?)
Written January 14th, 2005
A contest entry
- Prewrites! ONLY OPEN FOR AN HOUR. by forbidden-colour.
450 points, ended August 24, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
-
Interesting, I do not have much interest in other cultures, I guess this makes me ignorant, but so be it, I enjoyed this poem though, thank you for entering.
Sophie
-
if ronin means masterless samurai..then why is his name ruroni kenshin? I thought it was ruron..I didn't know the word, and I looked everywhere, thanks for the correction that has always bothered me.
-
Quick Q? "A ruron ashamed" in reference to ruroni kenshin or do you mean "ronin" meaning masterless samurai???
it just confused me,
Very enjoyable read, Samurai have always fascinated me. Yojimbo, by kurosawa one of my favorite movies, also Ame Agaru.
-
Thanks for entering and best of luck
-
I was just getting into this when it came to end. It was an enjoyable read but I do think it could have been extended to give it more body But a nice piece all the same Good luck in the contest
-
This was a good poem and the words captured the images and brought them to life, well done.
All the best
~Fairytale~ -
This was very lovely, and true to the time period. I love the samurai, and everything they still stand for. You captured a warriors heart in this poem. Keep on writing.
Blessed be,
LeFay -
A lovely tribute to the samauri. Well written, flows nicely and good rhyming. Good background as well, thanks for sharing.
-
I love it! thanx for entering!!
-
ummmm I had already said in the poem that he assures himself the winner, and by that it means the wandering samurai is always the winner. So we already know he's going to be a winner, but I may conclude this, however do not expect blood shed. This poem is about Ruroni Kenshin, and he uses a reverse-blade sword so not to kill his opponent but only to maime him..a sword that protects..the way of a true samurai
-
straight forward and very direct. i loved the flow of words.. and the great imegery. it is a beautiful poem.. great write
-
nice flow and use of words .. really brought it to life in my mind.
good luck!
-
nice. I cant wait to see who wins!!! =P so maybe you should continue and tell people how the fight goes down or who wins. that might be kinda fun to do, eh??
-
im very impressed that you where able to tell that this was about ruroni kenshin mostly...I find myself very inspired by him, and I feel like a samurai at heart. Thank you for your kindness ~Rush
-
is this poem based on rurouni kenshin? anyway, i really liked this one. it was very unique. good job.
-
ooOOOoo i like this one, very nicely done, pity it isnt a bit longer though but great job none the less
-
This is a very interesting poem, and I really did love it. However, being a studious person in the ways of the Japanese, I can see where you might not have had all the material you had wanted for this, or perhaps I am wrong and you simply wanted a short but sweet poem. But yes, I can see a lot of room for improvement in it. It's great the way it is as well. Really, I'm just being opinionated, and you shouldn't listen to an old bitch like me. ^.^;
~Saknika -
Hmm yes... it's a very interesting piece. Your choice of wording is lovely, and the rhyming is not forced, which is good. Thank you for entering this piece, good luck.
-
thank you for you kind words, you bring me great honor.
-
Very neat! I like the idea. You arwe very talented. I have read some other of your poems before and have loved them all, and this was great!
Good luck, and thenx for entering!
~Jenners -
Direct to the point and beautiful. This was so very wonderfully and beautifully written. The common man rising on his own to a place of respect based on pure skill; the way of the samurai. Well done and a joy to read. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
-
If you enjoyed it so much, then why did you not applaud it so that I can have the points needed to continue promoting such a wonderful piece of art, just curious, of course if you have no applause left, I understand.
-
awesome job! keep up the good work! this kind of reminded me ABOUT WHAT I'M STUDYING IN ADVANCED ENGLISH! ANYWAYS, THIS WAS A GOOD PIECE! I ENJOYED READING IT! GOOD JOB! KEEP UP THE AWESOME WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!! -
thank you, but I am curious to know, if you thought it was so great, then why did you not applaud it so that I can get the points needed to keep promoting such a wonderful piece. Of course if you are out of applause, I understand.
-
OOOO nice on I really enjoyed reading this. The words fit along with one another very nicely. I like your topic I never would have thought of it. Great job!
-
good
MMMMMMMM this poem is certainly different, unlike anthing ive ever read before, please keep on writing.
-
Sure it does, I have taken a life-long oath to live by the code of the samurai with my master of bushin-ru. So it is completely relevant.
-
Well this is certainly interesting. Very simple style, and good imagery. However I didn't feel as though it was terribly relevant to my contest. I wanted something more biographical and this doesnt tell me much about you. More about how you would like to see one aspect ofyourself. I dont feel like i have got to know you through reading this piece. Its very good though, well done, Crystal x
-
You make one contradictory move here. The code of the Ruroni is based on self-imposed exile, (you got that part right), but as for themes of shame and fame, you should know that the Ruroni's exile is based off the principles of self-discipline, and meditation. Creating one's own legend, while not accepting the fate one is given IS NOT encouraged by this code. Interesting that you classify yourself as a Ruroni without knowing the requirements. How's that self-imposed exile on the search for understanding and discipline going?-Curtis Meyer
-
You should experiment more with non-rhyming poetry. You write good imagery, but opposed to elaborating on scenes or situations, you focus to much finding words that rhyme, and because you do this, you end up 9 times out of 10 resorting to use of partial rhyme ("Step"/ "Adept"). Try to write some no-rhyming work. You should start with the sequel to this piece, since it is already good as establishing a figure in his environment.-Curtis Meyer
-
you're welcome, and thank you
-
i love samurai! ^_^ and i think i am one of the few who spelt that right....hahaha...wait no other people did just not forsakenangel
simple rhyme, simple construction, simply wonderful!
thanks for your comments once again ^_^ -
I don't think i ever read a poem about a samori.... ::scratches head:: No.... no i haven't. for that alone, i will applaud you. Bravo. It's so hard to come up with an original thought.
Because he has no master
He brings himself fame
For no one else can move faster
kick ass. - so different -
Not too bad, I'll admit. An interesting subject to write about, to say the least. It gave me a few ideas of my own, actually...not too often a piece will inspire me to write, but this one did. I found that the second stanza threw off the rhythm while I read it...but perhaps that was intended, I can't say for sure. Overall, not too bad at all.
-
v. good
yeh. good peom, seriously. i like the 'enviroment' you set up too. Last Samurai=good movie.... and yeh, the ruron thing needs to be changed... GOOD -
thanks
-
interesting poem. very light. did you see the Last Samurai? they were such an amazing culture of warriors. anyways, nice tribute to a very interesting culture.
-
nice job
Very wonderful piece. You are, as I've said before, a very talented young man and you better keep up this wonderful work.
XOXO
~laura -
I've never written poetry from a perspective of something like this... something that seems like it's fantasy subject matter (but I suppose people have swords now a' days
but you've done a wonderful job of it. The rhyme was smooth and subtle, which is a great skill to find in any poet. Lovely writing.
-
My cute sweet Samurai love.
MUAH.
~Rosey. -
I like the beat to this. With a little help from the rhyming, it bobbed along delightfully.
Interesting subject choise as well, it was a refreshing read.
I do agree that it could perhaps be longer. I know it's sometimes a little daunting to go back to a previousley written poem and add more onto it, but if you try and get into the right frame of mind, I think it'll only better the poem.
Still, it's great as it is
Well done
x -
thank you...I kinda wanted it to be a little bit longer at the beginning but it just fitted perfectly and I dunno...I feel lin love with it
-
wow this is really awesome! I enjoyed reading it!
-
wow this is really good i liek awsome work
-
awesome !!!!!
really good .I like the idea though pretty creative
-
Cool, nicely written. I saw the title and had to read it! Glad I did, it is wonderfully done.
~Achika~ -
The ruroni samurai is different than regular samarai though...the ruron walked the earth in shame because he didn't have a master....as do I
-
interesting piece .
good rhythm and imagery,
trouble in the samuai code was, fame meant many challengers, as the only way up was through the man above,
respect only shown as the right palm facing up against the midrif
else beware the samurai punishment
this did well! has me remebering all i have studied
-
thank you
-
ooooooo this is awsome... this is... WOW lol great write, i like how you used your rhymes really well. the background really goes well with the poem... keep it up!
Adding your comment:
1 - 50 of 50
9 old applause
