each night I place
a dent in your pillow
to be filled
with morning light and
a few seconds of happiness
Andrew Hide
11~01~2005
Author notes
Written January 11th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
so much in so few words, i love it!
-
wonderful
very short but very beautiful! amazing what you can do with only one stanza, isn't it?
wonderfully chosen topic. keep up the good work and please look at some of my poetry too! 
*~*starcatcher*~* -
i really felt the loss and passion of this. I imagined you trying to recreate the simple things he gave you...like the way his head would sink into the pillow in the night. Although this is sad, it also seemed quite hopeful in a way. I like it, its very heartfelt
-
The feeling of utter sadness is so intense Andrew, so much emotion in so few lines. It's beautifully executed but so much sadness pervades the whole piece.
~Von~
-
you deal with the subject of loss in such an eceptional way in this tanka ..the use of place in L1 suggests a deliberate ritual that is undertaken each night and L5 suggests that this lady was a ray of sunshine in the poet's life..very moving
-
Wonderful!
This is an excellent tanka that definitely passes on the emotion of sadness and a ray of hope towards the end in L5 to the reader. This tanka flows beautifully from one line to the next and carries the emotion well. The five lines flow seamlessly into one thought. The imagery is also very nice in each line. The pivot line, L3, works very well and really balances and merges the upper half{Kaminshu} and the lower half{Shimonoku} of the tanka. I see a mother whose son is away from her{at war fighting for his country}. She places a dent in his pillow just to somehow let him know she thinks of him every night and prays for his victory, long life and safe return or you could say to give some solace to her lonely heart. L4...the light of the sun each morning gives her a new hope that her son is safe and sound. That is one way I looked at this. The other image I saw is of a wife/lover whose husband/love works during the nights. She misses him and holds his pillow close to her, places a dent in it every night and lets the sunlight soak into it in the day. I somehow love the first one better.
Very nice tanka.
-Charishma -
It definately rolls of the tongue with ease, and the picture left in ones mind leaves me to think on what was said. Very touching poem, I really dig it. Good job.
-Mike -
What a lovely poem yet sad in a way...
Hugs
Pat -
As I read this I wonder if it a love that has left or one that has passed away. There is a mournful quality to this tanka. It is as though the suns rays are her lookingdown from above in those brief first moments of waking.
This is lovely and I like that slight air of hope at the end.
Susan -
ah... this is very well structured. L3 works magnificently... what caught me off guard was the very casual L5... "a few seconds of happiness".... it almost just rolls off the tongue and yet it clings to the mind forever. Very interesting.
Nice work friend. -
Very nice
This is a nice way to replace lonliness and loss. -
Excellent tanka, and sorry but I have to throw some rotten apples at The Chameleon up there. Ok, now I'm better. Anyway - this can be taken to two different levels, the first impression I got was a person mourning the loss of a loved one, so much so that they leave everything the way it was when the person left/died. Second thought it could be about someone who has left to go to work and the person is sleeping in, reveling in the joy of being in love.
See, I DO have a sappy side
-
Nice
Interesting interesting. Why the haiku or tanka or whatever? Why not just a regular poem? But anyways, I thought that this was good.
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
6 old applause
