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Sin

Missing image

 



I tasted sin upon your lips

 

Your green eyes bled dishonesty

 

My fingers curled upon the gun

 

Should come as no surprise

 


You swore that you would never stray

 

If I’d only give my heart

 

I believed your cruel deceit

 

Till you kissed me with her breath

 



I blink as hell consumes me

 

…and coldly pull the trigger

 



Patricia Gibson-Williams

 

January 3, 2005

Author notes

This is not the poem I set out to write... It got too long, as did the second and third ones.  I'm not even sure where this one came from, but since I was working on something for this contest here it is.  Let me know what you think.  Patti
Written January 3rd, 2005

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Maureen silver member
    January 21, 2005
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    Congratulations! Chilling write! Well done!

    Maureen

  • Jaymielle
    January 21, 2005
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    The possibility that she shot herself didn't even enter my mind until I read your comment, but going back to read it, you're right this one could go either way. The anger in it just made me think she had killed him. Also, the picture didn't come through very well on my computer, I could make out two people, but other than that, all detail was lost, so I went by your poem alone, really.


  • AngelSeeker silver member
    January 17, 2005
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    I found it interesting that you read the poem as her having shot him. I tried to be as vague as I could about who she shot, him or herself. Maybe it’s because I would have shot him and therefore I left some clue that I overlooked. Could it be because the poem had a tone that spoke more of anger then despair? Since the picture (I did reverse the colors) is of a grieving man holding a woman I rather expected people to assume that she had shot herself. I’m glad that in your case the image didn’t effect the way you perceived the story. Than you for commenting on my work. Patti


  • EarthShadow
    January 10, 2005
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    fabulous.

  • Jaymielle
    January 9, 2005
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    Thebest word for this is intense, you gripped me right from the start, and the first two lines were my favorite. You describe the situation in near-metaphoric terms, using imagery very effectively. I love the contrast in the last two lines between hell and coldly. But the three middle lines from "you swore... to cruel deceit" were kind of a disappointment when held up to the rest of this poem. You slipped into plain narrative there, without the truly poetic quality that filled the rest of the poem. great write!

  • Lil Wolfie
    January 7, 2005
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    Fantastic work! I love it!


  • Anothercheapheart
    January 3, 2005
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    beautiful

    so short, but so much said in it. i love it.

  • fallendreams
    January 3, 2005
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    I think this does a marvelous job of describing the way a person would feel in this situation. The flow is great and the length seems to be just right since when it boils voer, it boils over quickly. Good job in my estimation. Good luck with the contest.

  • Dr John Celes
    January 3, 2005
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    blood-curdling

    A scene of revenge-taking by shooting down the person who betrays her - portrayed in a brief but blood-chilling manner!Perhaps entitled sin because it is both adultery cum murder!It highlights the sweet revenge-taking that is swift and reckless!
    the background picture looks really dark like a negative film!

  • QuinnTessEntity
    January 3, 2005
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    Wow, this is definitely intense. I really enjoyed the line 'until you kissed me ith her breath'. This poem certainly captures the essence of the rage that is often spawned by deceit and betrayal. This is chilling.

1 - 10 of 10