These tears we cry,
fall down like rain.
This restless misery,
wails it's last refrain.
We bless these droplets,
they are eternal rain.
What would you sing for your last refrain?
Wilt with sorrow,
double over with pain,
show all your misery in your last refrain?
When you leave this life,
will you surrender your spite?
Or release you pain in that last refrain?
Depend on those tears,
hold them near.
The last shreds of life that drift away,
down on the floor late at night.
With the release your forehead will cease to crease.
Drift to your final resting place,
feel death's cold, perfect embrace.
Speak the words that say it all as you fall to the floor.
Unwanted,
Unneeded,
Unloved.
Author notes
Written December 27th, 2004
A contest entry
- Many Choices COME AND ENTER!!!!! by dancechica028.
300 points, ended January 7, 2005, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Oh man! This was goodie! I loved how it ended...Hmm...COOLIE! Lol I know Im a very random person. I like how the title is like WOOSH! Get it? It has a beautiful flow this, poem of yours. Very well done. Beautifully sad in all the same. Keep up the good work.
~Your friend
`Vamp -
sad but awesome!!!!
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i love the flow of this and your wording! the title drew me in, because it's just so beautiful and different. the ending leaves the entire piece with a very nice ring. great work, and thanks for sharing! <3becca
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Wow! This is very sad. Very good word use. Also, this poem has encouraged me to write a poem exactly opposite of this poem. I don't know when it will be done, but sometime soon. Hehe, I really like your poem. Keep up the excellent work!
God bless,
Rachel -
This is a very nice poem, I love the writing style. You need to read my entry I'll Always Be There. It's from the opposite view of yours.
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this was emotional and raw well done!!! this was great
Crystal xxx -
Ooo I like this! I particularly like how your words just sound great together, though you did not formally follow any rhyming pattern or structure. The metaphor of rain as tears is a bit overdone, but I really like the subtle pun of using "refrain" as a refrain. Also, the spacing at the end adds a nice dramatic pause. If only I could hear you read this! Overall, I think this is a really thoughtful write. Thanks for sharing!
~Sam
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WOW this is great like WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg i have never read somethin so powerful in my life... holy crap this is amazing... obviously you have awsome talent (i know this by the powerful masterpiece u have written) i was just lookin in the shameless box and it sounded interestin so i read it and im not sorry ... like whoa i have never ever been so amazed and awed by a poem before... it was stunnin, took my breath away, left me speechless. im so applaudin this
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This restless misery,
wails it's last refrain.
those lines are so powerful.It's a sad poem, but sad poems are the best.I really liked that cuz it's original.I never really read something like that before.You used a good imagery.Rock on! -
I liked it. I mean, it isn't shakespeare, but I think it would probably make a good song. Are they supposed to be lyrics?
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Excellent
It's beautiful, but sad...I like it, I also write sad poems...so...I say power to ya! -
wow..this is really good... I like this alot! I really like the repetitive use of the word refrain.. this is full of emotion... great write! Very nicely done and best of luck in the contest!
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pretty good.. i'm not usually into sad poetry, but this wasn't half bad.. as for the repitition, that last refrain thing .. i can't tell whether i like it or whether it's just stuck in my head. after i read the poem, it sounds nice as an echo, but while i was reading the poem, it seemed a bit too.. repetitive. maybe only repeat it 2 times instead of 3, and think of another way to put it for the one other mentioning?
actually this is a pretty cool portrayal of the whole suicide/death thing.. the 2nd stanza is the best, in my opinion. and i also really like the lines
"We bless these droplets,
they are eternal rain."
nicely done.
-toxy -
I obviously didn't read the title either, oops...
~ c
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not bad at all
Hmmm...
not bad. not bad at all. I actually quite liked the repetition of 'refrain', but then I am not one to conform to any set standards in poetry writing. I like to go where the pen takes me, so to speak.
I did not check out the contest, so at first I did not realise this was suicide. I thought it was just death and dying, which I think you handle very well. There are a few wobbly bits,
The last shreds of life that drift away,
down on the floor late at night. and the penultimate line
Speak the words that say it all as you fall to the floor.
All in all, this is good writing that shows your talent
will shine through with a blazing light as your writing
matures. Good luck and happy new year ~ crisstiena
Edited on Dec 29, 2:17 p.m. because ''. -
Unlike some I didn’t like the frequent use of ‘refrain’ unless there is some specific pattern to the repeat, I think it tends to look like an inability to think of another word… having said that, of course songs often have repeats in the refrain…
The ‘tears as rain’ is horrible cliché as well.
Apart from the last three words I thought it was a little ‘light weight’ for the subject – but hey I’m not judging, so good luck – I’m sure the vast majority’s taste runs in a different direction.
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Excellent work. I enjoyed your use of 'refrain' within this piece, rather than the myriad of other words you could have used. I feel that it adds impact to the mind, that dark times have repeated over and over in one's life, but they have finally reached an end. However, I personally think that the fourth stanza seemed a bit out of place, perhaps because I felt it upset the rhythm...but that's just me. Overall, very impactful, and well-written.
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great job. i hope you like your trophe that you got from me. you did a great job. i love this one too. julie
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It scared me while I was writing it. gulp
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Fantastic
This is an awesome poem, Kelsey! You have TALENT, girl! T-A-L-E-N-T!!!
Nice job. :-)
cadetblue -
i liked this...it could be tightened up in places, especially near the end...but good work, it makes you see things from a suicide victim's perspective.
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i liked this...it could be tightened up in places, especially near the end...but good work, it makes you see things from a suicide victim's perspective.
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Very Good
The emotions expressed in this piece truely sound as if they came from the lips of a suicide victim. This is good work, and a very dark subject that needs to be brought into the light. Keep up the good writing. Take care and God bless.
Michael -
wow..that was a really good poem. it had so much emotion and i love the title to this poem too..this a great write and thanks for entering. keep up the good work. good luck
-tennis-lover -
wow this is really good, i love the emotion, and the end, although it is really sad. Great write
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