Nameless faces cry alone,
Without a cause, without a home.
Standing on the edge of the world,
Break past morning, the time we hone.
Insecurities lie within,
Dark, cold eyes,
Broken skin.
Lashes from the pain you show,
The voices still unheard
But everyone knows...
Your beauty hidden behind battle scars,
Your love is living way afar.
Your conscience burying your lonesome heart,
Keeping it away from harm.
Melancholy in your eyes
Darkened pits that mesmerize.
Random words on paper they fall
Like wobbly buildings, way too tall.
The last serenade of a mighty man
Can only survive as long as he can.
Author notes
Thoughts and random words came to mind while talking to a friend.
Written December 26th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This sounds like slam poetry to me, I can hear the beat of it while I read it.
This was a sad poem,and I'm not sure what you and your friend were talking about, but whatever it was, you ended up with a great poem from it. I love poems that comes from thoughts (and feelings)."Melancholy in your eyes
Darkened pits that mesmerize.
Random words on paper they fall" I really like those three lines. It's my favorite part of the poem.
The only thing I can think of that might make the poem sound better would be to put some breaks in it.
You did a wonderful job. Thanks for entering and Good luck in my contest.
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Thank you. I think I will do that.
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I'm not liking the end rhyme so much. Feels forced and stilted. You've got some good descriptions, particularly towards the end, but maybe some phrases like "dark, cold eyes" and "broken skin" come across as quite ordinary. Perhaps some more unique imagery?
Thanks for entering.
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Well, it's okay. You don't have to like the form or anything. It's meant to be ordinary and to leave you staring there blankly at the end. That's the point of it. =]
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I see you wrote this some time ago, but it is great. Very thought provoking ideas expressed here.
Good luck in the contest.
Garrison
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Thank you very much. =]
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I can't really tell what this is about, but what I understand I like. It seems like the rhyming stumbles a little bit around lines 12 -14. Thank you for entering, though.
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Fucking awesome!!!!
~!JOY!~ -
I really love this. I feel like I just feel this happening as if to me. It's wonderful and I can see the emotions and the point within it.
Keep it up gurl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
melissa
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