the strength I lack

give me something.
give me anything worth living for.
something worth breathing for.
an object, an emotion,
anything to keep me alive.

each passing day grows worse.
it seems that I can't do anything right.
I'm stuck with my mistakes.
that haunt me.
that tease me.

first the drugs, the addiction,
the hook that had me at my knees.
then the lies, the fights,
everything I said was wrong,
I was weak, vulnerable, and powerless.
but I was still alive.

I'm not sure where I go from here.
I'm clean, but then again I'm not.
happiness is lifetimes away.

I take my anger, my frustration out on myself.
one slice and I'm better.
another, and I feel alive.
I'm curious to go deeper,
I'm intrigued at the thought of death.

would it be better?
would death end my grief?
I wouldn't know.
I'm not dead - yet.

I need something worth living for.
I need something worth dying for.
I need passion, I need hope.
but where do you go from here?
where do I begin?
I'm lost. I'm hurting. and I'm desperate.

I give up. I quit.
this game is too much.
and I don't have the courage.
I don't have the guts.

I just gotta pick up the knife.
just take it and end it quickly.
or would the prolonging pain make it better?
I'll do this and be done with it.
tell my parents I said good-bye.
tell my brother I love him.
tell the world - they win.