I hide behind the church ground's old oak tree,
unseen as she with grace glides slowly by,
aware of many things, but not of me,
if challenged could I dare to explain why?
That here today a part of me shall die,
whilst hidden here upon her wedding day,
and each due year in misery I'll cry,
for her memory shall never go away.
That is the price that I shall have to pay,
for she asked me to declare what was true,
but those were words I was afraid to say,
to openly admit that I love you.
I should be there, a smile upon my face,
but another stands there smiling in my place.
Andrew Hide
21~12~2004
Author notes
Written December 21st, 2004
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1 - 7 of 7
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Quite lovely, there can still be beautiful poetry written as sonnets and other formed poetry. The subject of the poem is very fitting for this style and you pulled it off very well. Nicely, done.
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Beautiful work
On the first read I have to say the first four lines didn't really hit any nerves with me, however, once I reached the end of the poem the last line struck a chord, and a sad one, and essentially -forced- me to go back and read the poem again, which then enabled me to capture the sadness more fully in my own mind as I read. (Then again I could just be tired
) A very good read, I especially like the lines:
"But those were words I was afraid to say,
to openly admit that I love you."
and of course,
"but another stands there smiling in my place."
It strikes me as a humble sort of poem, but when truly taken in, it's beautiful, and very sad. This sadness in particular, one of the worst kinds.
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This is such a sad story. I guess it happens a lot these days. People are too afraid to tell the one they love their true feelings, and when they have the courage to do that, it's already too late. It's so sad things like that has to happen, but that's a part of life.
This is a wonderful poem; I like it a lot. Such an easy read with such a deep story behind that many people can relate to. I enjoyed this one a lot!
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I have watched a man I cared for deeply marry another. I know what iti is to stand there and smile and offer good wishes when inside there is an ache that will only ease with time.
Wonderful write. I have to give this particular style a closer look. I have not really come across many spenserian sonnets.
Susan -
Brilliant!!
very good sonnet, and that's from someone who cannot grasp them, I try but there's something missing, unlike this effort, which tells me, I got a lot to learn, -
I had to look up Spenserian Sonnet! I love the idea, but think you are straining a bit to get the words to fit the form whereas if you had just gone with it (but not fitted the form) it would be a better poem. Also I find the change of tenses a bit confusing.
L4 I would drop the "to"
L8 I think that's a new sentence?
L9 drop the "shall"?
L12 I think "I loved her" would be better?
Oh dear, sounds like I don't like it. I do! -
Enjoyed it!
This is a wonderful story, so sad that the lovelorn did not have the courage to advance to the altar.
I think the rhyming is excellent, you have done the Spenserian intertwined rhymes wonderfully. I found the meter a little irregular, especially lines 2, 8 and 14.
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