And what is left,
when she dissolves into
loathsome crevices
is it the same nothing
as he is?
She tastes of salt,
and sweaty tears
magnetic in her energy;
there must be some magic
in her smile of gaping blackness,
a cicatrice across your soul
He fuels the spark
that drives her home
and smacks against your heart.
Another doorstep salvation
you don't want to spare you
And he,
and he...
Circumstances could be
so different if he
were not to exist for her
#
You dream of him on her
savage, cold and unforgiving
fingers across her
beautiful face
He lifts her face to yours
underneath the sodden sky,
she has fallen
beyond your grasp.
#
As the insistent torrents of rain
smear your cheeks,
so does she.
Author notes
Written December 15th, 2004
In a list
- Times to remember • next in list
- The very best of Barbie • next in list
- Someone new • next in list
- I didn't deserve you • next in list
A contest entry
- Poemes of poetic poetry #2 by .
300 points, ended July 19, 2005, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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Yes, I guess you're right. If you want to write everything out it doesn't do much good to hold back on the details. Even the figments of my imagination tend to be drawn from real people that I know and care about - it's difficult not to sketch out people you know sometimes, however vaguely. I will be editing away at this, but the changes won't be up until at least the next free gold membership week because otherwise I'd lose the italics (even if they are confusing). Barbie. Xx
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I've had to deal with the whole "how much do I reveal" thing when dealing with poems about people/relationships here on ap in my own work as well. Generally, I've decided it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to try and keep things hidden... it makes the poetry worse, and just feeds conjecture. Go ahead and lay it on the line. If you have to pull back later, you can do so in edit mode, but let the chips fall where they may. Of course, there are some poems that I simply can't post
. BTW, none of my poems make reference to actual people living or dead, they are purely figments of my imagination.
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I (finally) got around to editing it.
Any better now? Barbie. Xx
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*Sigh.* Yes, one her, one you, one him. When I wrote this, I wrote it about someone who used to read my poetry a lot so I didn't want to make the message overly clear - he's actually read and commented on it. The phrase 'you know who you are' was a phrase that same person that I used as 'you' used to describe me, the author and 'her'. 'You' is obsessed with 'her' who is, in turn, obsessed with 'him'. I guess it was really too personal for this to come through.
The italics signal a shift in time and mood, and perhaps even place - it's like the subconscious sighing of the author.
Yes, the identities do need clarifying somewhere in the actual poem.
Yes, it's should be replaced.
It doesn't matter how long your comment is - it's quality I value, not quantity. Thank you. You've really helped me identify key areas that need working on and how I might go about that. Savage, yes, I agree and I'm still not sure about 'empty crevices' - I like the sound of the words but I guess they don't really work. Barbie. Xx
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ps... I think ed is right "empty crevasses" is a bit redundant.
I'm also curious if you considered moving savage to the line above... it would be less pregnant with alternate meanings, but would make a more immediate impact on the reader. It would be a more savage placement. -
I thought I understood this on the first read... comprehension was suspended until reaching the "you dream of him on her" stanza, but at that point, meaning trickled backwards. Not sure if this has been edited before my comments, but as I read it there is apparently one you, one he, and one she.
The use of pronouns strikes me as neccesitated by the direct address, When I'm talking to you, Barbie, I say you, not Barbie. The difficulties seem to me to be introduced by two factors: you don't really want the nature of identiies to resolve until later in the poem, and the unclear mix of tones. One way of resolving the issue (not a recommendation, just a thought) would be to to introduce the characters... even a simple "You and her/ and him" as a first 2 lines would lay it out.
Alternately, clearifying the relationship of the utterances to the imagined personalities might resolve things. The strongest presence in the poem is the author. The first stanza is ambiguous as to whether it is an address to "you" or is a musing. The second stanza uses italics to signal a shift in tone, or speaker, but I am honestly not exactly sure which; and the use of italics later doesn't resolve how I am to read it. The third and fourth stanzas make it harder "She tastes of salt" would be something "you" would know, not the author, but it sounds to me like the author saying it. The fourth stanza forces this because the harsh judegment (and it strikes me as a bit too harsh, but then I am a generous soul) sounds like it should be from you but cannot be as we have "across your soul".
Similarly the fifth stanza. Here is the only pronoun that I hated: "it's". The magic? The cicratrice? "It" is a touch ineffable for something which drives her home and smacks her the heart.
The use of italics in the six and seventh stanzas disabuses me of the notion that they are used to indicate the voice of "you" (as they say your). Given the nature of the musing stanzas written without italics, they are not apparently used to indicate an aside, and the use in the seventh stanza for what appears to be emphasis makes the rest occlude.
The eigth and ninth stanzas are the meat of the poem, and I love the ninth stanza. Whatever my lack of clear cut qualifications, I'm a guy. If I hadn't played out the ninth stanza in my head a thousand or more times, maybe I could have dismissed this poem more easilly, but it does (italics used for emphasis) break through to speak to me by power of its clear image. In fact, the tenth stanza comes off as sentimental fluff by comparison.
All of this is to say that I didn't find the poem overly enigmatic, but that some careful attention to what you (Barbie) want to be said by whome (either the author or "you") combined with consistent formatting or voice changes or some other technique to indicate who is saying what might help keep us suspended enough to give the punch time to land and resolve the identities of the characters.
Sorry for the lack of brevity.
Brian -
Thank you - I understand why people are confused now - it sounds as though there are at least three different 'he's and 'she's. I will now scribble furiously as I attempt to edit this and wait until free gold week to put up the changes. Cicratrice is the French word for scar.
Of course I believe it's important. Thanks again. Barbie. Xx
Edited on Jul 14, 1:39 p.m. because 'Er'. -
Thanks for entering!
I'd start by editing out some of those pronouns. Too many he's him's hers - I found myself confused ..
Also "another doorstep salvation
you don't want to spare you .. too many you's ..
I have too look up that new word I don't know cicratrice and for that I'm happy I love learning new words ..
I'd work on it if you believe it is important - decide what you want your reader to "feel" .. and then make us connect in some way ..
Again, thanks for entering!
Lisa
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Yeah, I get what you mean. It doesn't flow and it's too cryptic. You need a human voice that comes through and says 'so this is what happened'. Thank you - I knew it needed something else. I'll work on that when we get to the next free gold membership week. Barbie. Xx
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I think, in the background, you have found and matched the exact shade of Barbie's lipstick.
'empty crevices' seems heavy handed, as does much of the wording throughout. Maybe you were going for a Romantic style, all flowery wording and suicidal imagery. I don't know enough about it to say, but, frankly, I cannot get into it.
It is all wisps in the ether, and I need it to touch down somewhere. I need something concrete, a stanza or passage that I don't have to decode or even think about, but that speaks in clear direct terms and gives me something to cling to and be interested in.
I know, I am fumbling around trying to say something, and not very well. -
Thanks Jess. I appreciate you looking at it. Caz. Xx
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wow wow wow! You were right! It is definitely one of your best. A beautiful write that I really enjoyed.
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Thank you very much. I might read some more of your stuff now - I know I haven't recently.
Barbie. Xx Btw - there's so much about emptiness and desperation that I think I know where you're coming from with the death comment.
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it sort of reminds me of death and how sad it would be to be parted i dont know why i suppose cos its so intense...very evocative and its really good i love the way you pace the flow its clever
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Thanks, cicratrice is the French word for scar. Barbie. Xx
Edited on Jul 10, 10:14 because ''. -
Splendid
Omg..I am speechless. I love the last stanza. It ends the poem so abruptly yet contently. Okay, but since i am reading in the group reading section, i am trying to think of something to critique, lol. So hard. The word cicatrice confused me for a while until i read some of the comments below about the scissorhands and then it made sense to me. That is about all i can see. And that is more my part then yours. Anywho gret write! keep it up. Like the pink! Lol.
Sam
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Lol, the person I wrote this about didn't even get it, so I wouldn't worry about not understanding. Barbie. Xx
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Lol, it's a great critique! Fluorescent pink really is wonderful, isn't it? I didn't put an explanation in because when I do, I end up writing stories, instead of poems - this was personal for me, but I don't think that you need to have the same interpretation as me, as long as you have an interpretation I think I acheived something. I really don't think that this flows very well in places - I'd really like some help with that if you want to give any. Barbie. Xx
Edited on Dec 31, 6:22 because ''. -
mm well.. tried hard to think of a real critique for this, as it's in the group reading section and all.. hmm but you know, it's just really good. criptic and confuses me a bit, for sure.. but still somehow really good poetry. the only way i could see it becoming better would be some sort of.. explaination, i guess.. but that's more like a personal confusion on my end than something to improve the poetry. so really, i am not very helpful on this one.
oh, and i can't wait til preferred membership week for the full effect
lol
this comment may not make much sense as it's hard to concentrate with the television in the background, but i really did try lol
(loving the pinkness too!)
-toxy -
Lol, thank you and the '/'s were italic until I edited this. *Cries.* Caz. Xx
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Argh it's all cyrptic and mind-blowing... and the pink! Very well written, although I don't understand it, it's clever poetry. I like the '/'s, they add a nice effect. Good work, Caz, as always!
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Thank you, and yes I am a bit of an ankle person. Actually, I really like good legs, but I just think that that boot is beautiful and it's something I can't have (which is the main message, inverted). The awkward flow does actually have a lot to do with the message, but, when I've finished with this, I want the flow to be smooth as scarlet silk. Barbie. Xx
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Another ‘Barbie’; – ‘Barbie’ on the edge. - Why do I think the awkward flow of this contains a/the message?
I’m fixed on that boot. – I’m thinking ‘Barbie’ is an ankle person (it's Boob or bum these days) but back in the twenties (last century) ankles were so magnetic. They would drag/bring grown men to their knees. Interesting write Ms Barbie rather flirtatious and seductive; - rather grand, – thank you.
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Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands, or the poor guy who lives in the castle? Thank you, a compliment from you with regards to beautiful imagery is certainly happily accepted by me.
Caz. Xx
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Thanks. Barbie. Xx
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aww ci
ahh cicratrice, a word almost as beautiful as Edward Scissor Hands ~slips away into scissory dream~
I love the last stanza in this, it created such a beautiful (use that word way too often) lingering image.
nice work
love your little phi fairy 
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Very nice write you have here! Much enjoyed! Thanks so much!
Cheers!
Laura -
What an observation! I do believe you are right. Caz. Xx
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this page is the exact colour of hannahs hangover pain jumper
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Thank you. Barbie. Xx
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OOoooo sexy! Very nice write, dear. I can tell it comes from the heart. Write on, poet.
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Thanks. Barbie. Xx
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Very Emotion felt. Thanks for sharing!
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I know what you mean about the flow, and I'm trying to resolve it, but character definition - explain a little about this to me please? Barbie. Xx
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Thank you. Barbie. Xx
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Yes, it is off in places, that's why I'm still editing. (I took a break.) I like pink and I think that the background helps to establish and emphasise the tone of the piece. There's only one she and two hes, one of which is you. Barbie. Xx
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This was a very interesting piece. i loved the picture of the shoe! i though that was divine. you poem was very nice though it had much to be desired. the smoothiness was a little, bumpy and the charater definitionas Dragonsblood said should probably be defined more so the reader can understand your piece more. But other than that very exelant piece!
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owww......
this is some great writing! how have i managed to not read your work before this?!
i shall now
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interesting ipece though the rhythm is off and I was blinded by the color of the page and almost wanted to leave bc of the color. XO (blinded face to the left) anyways interesting meaning of relationship alike and with the he and shes you really could get confused. Maybe a little more character definition in this would help out to find who was who.
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sexy poem there carolina
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