If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.
If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.
Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.
One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.
So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.
Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.
And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.
Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way . . .
The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.
And in time, they fill the pit
with other memories,
the only memories that really matter.
We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.
And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.
Author notes
For my dear friends here and anyone else who has lost a loved one and knows the pit too well.
I've survived the loss of a brother, all four grandparents, a good friend to leukemia, and many friends throughout the years. One thing that's guaranteed in life - if you live long enough yourself, you're going to say goodbye to a lot of people. Life's a blip on the radar screen, so we better enjoy ourselves! I take the spirits of my departed loved ones with me everywhere I go, and live twice as much for them. I even buy an extra glass of wine now and then when I go out and let it sit in front of the empty chair in remembrance/honor of them, but I'm a little strange. It's a good way to confuse waiters, too. lol
I've read and commented on:
Jumbo - by shubs
On That Green & Grassy Hill - by maryjzayas
Loss - by amateurpoetess
In Loving Memory – by Baseballs Angel
Behind the Smile - Pookiebubu
Written December 14th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- by amateurpoetess.
480 points, ended October 13, 2005, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 86 of 86
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Amazing
Perfect Timing! My sister rang just as I was about to read this, so I read it aloud to her as well. One of the reasons she rang was to speak to me about what could be done for her late best friends husband (her friend died easter weekend) who is not coping well at the moment with his loss. She wants the link to this poem so she can share it with him. -
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Thanks, Bex. I hope it helps.
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Helped me a lot
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Hey man this is really good i am going threw all of this right now man i really loved her as a friend even though we went out but that only strengthened our friendship god i miss her so much and this poem do help me feel a LITTLE better but only time can tell how it will en
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Thanks again for letting me know this helped you feel a little better, Patrice. It really means a lot to me. Grief is the worst of all emotions, so to know my words helped smooth the edges a little is the ultimate satisfaction for me. What are we all here for if not to help each other?
Peace,
Mark -
WOW!!! I reeeeely enjoyed this poem! It is amazing how much one can truely get across to the reader with as little as one word per line. Your style and meter reeeeeely strengthened your poem
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I definitely know what it is like to lose loved ones 1 by 1. In November 2002 I lost my Great Aunt Brownie. Then in February 2003 I lost my Grandma Rodeheaver (my Dad's mom). Then in October 2004 I lost my Uncle James. So I know how that goes. Keep up the awesome poetry!!!
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Beautifully poignant. I am sorry for your loss, but your poem touches us all. Write on, poet.
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good
mark, very well written and very heart felt, It was a little chilling talking about being "edge of a precipice, a dizzying cliff so high we can't see the bottom" then one by one, that was really almost heart stopping to think about. You really captured this well, and sorry for your loses still. image and Visions. -
getsbetter,
I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your son. I can't imagine how you must feel. I hope this helped in some small way, though I know trying to fight grief with a little poem is like throwing a pebble at a tornado. Please accept my condolences, and please think of me if you ever need a friend to talk to here on AP, or off.
Peace,
Mark
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Thank you so much for letting me know that. It feels so good to know that something I wrote helped ease a little bit of the pain of grieving. Please give my condolences to your brother-in-law. Thanks again for your kind words.
Wishing you peace,
Mark
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This is absolutely beautiful. I cried, my wife cried, and I am sending to my brother-in-law who is still grieving the death of his wife. My wife says thank you,thank you, thank you! You definitely deserved the Gold.
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Nice Job
This was wounderfull I don't mind lossing to yo unow that I have read your poem Nice Job -
WOW! It really hits the home of all my homes. I just recentley lost my 18 yr old son to suicide. He had never been in trouble before and was blamed for something he never did. It overwhelmed him and he took his life. Your words are so deep and so very true. I could help but feel all my family and friends deaths, as well as I read on pictures of the family and friends I still have here now raced through my mind. very, very insperational and life like poem. Thank you for sharing your feelings more than the poem. I'm so sorry any of us have to indure this in our hearts.G.
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sorry I forgot to applaud..so I am doing so now ..and applaud well deserved..Honeydew
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Cograts on your gold..This is an excellent view of what one that has lost a loved can feel..I know I went and am going through theses stages and thoughts that you write about..excellent write and I can see why it won a gold congrts again..Honeydew
Edited on Oct 28, 4:37 because ''. -
absolutely stunning. brilliantly written and thanks for sharing the emotions linked to loss
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'...Life is a fragile affair. We are all dancing on the edge of a precipice...' You know how much I love this one, my Friend...& why...It's still very profound, Mark...You're still teaching us all how to keep breathing...even when it hurts too much...Love ya, my Friend...
Wanda
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How beautifully you have written this, and how truthfully it is stated. So simply written, with deep meaning and so much emotion, that in your losses I feel my losses and it brings tears to my eyes. You also give hope to those who have lost someone they loved very recently. I can see why you received a gold for this poem.
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This piece is heart-wrenchingly true.. it's a knock into a harsh reality of sorts.. the flow is wonderful and the love, soul, and caring put into it it supremely obvious.. bravo!
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How true your words are and how much they make me feel. I too have survived the losses of many in my life, but as you say, no matter what, you will; if you live, things and people around you will die. This was such a deep and touching write; it made my heart ache but it also made me think of the good times I've had with those I've lost. That's amazing because the first year anniversary of my brother's passing is just coming up and I'm not ready to move and I haven't been able to think of the good times we had together. Only the times we fought and the times I did wrong in his eyes; thank you. That's all that's left to say; Thank you for giving me that.
I can see why you won.
Much Love
Jess -
you sure said a lot expressed a lot and did go through a lot of losses and I felt your pain and your loss was evident in this poem..hard to say a good job in expressing a loss of the ones you had to bear..but written well..Linda
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Bravo! Bravo! This is one of the best poems dealing with loss that I have come across in a long time. It is so very very true to life, it's startling. I have nothing more to say that has not already been said. So I will simply add another applause. Well done.
Keep well. -
Hi Marianne,
I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I hope time makes things easier for you and your family. The closest loss I've had is my brother and I can say that time does have a way of replacing the painful memories with happy ones, and soothing the pain.
Take care,
Mark
Edited on Oct 21, 4:58 p.m. because ''. -
Grossmutti,
Thanks very much for your thoughts on this. I appreciate it.
Mark -
A love so real it hurts.
Sometimes the most difficult tragedy is remembering the one that we have lost. I feel your emotion in this write, as I have lost a father to brain cancer July 13, 2004. It's the worst thing to deal with when its so close to home.
Awesome entry and superb write. **HUGS**
Marianne. -
Congrats !!!
Beautifully expressed, just wanted to congratulate you on a wonderful write
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Mark,
Thanks for the Emily Dickinson poem and the explanation of what poetry means to you. This is very personal, and today is an anniversary of that season of grief for me, that you have in sharing this poem of hers, helped my broken heart. I just read (reread) all entries, this morning. I'll post the decision as to which poems were trophy worthy and in all fairness all were worthy of and received applause. Its been a difficult morning, thus far.
You gave a gift this morning that means quite a lot. Thanks again.
Peace,
99
Edited on Oct 14, 4:19 p.m. because ''. -
Hi 99,
Thanks again. I know you already know this, but I believe the loss you suffered is the worst of all, for many reasons - mainly because children aren't supposed to pass away before their parents, because a mother's love is the strongest love of all because of the bond between mother and child, and also because women are just plain better at loving than men are. They give their whole hearts to their children without reservation. So to know that this soothed that pain a little for you is worth a fortune to me. No offense, but as nice as "recognition by one's peers" is, I truly don't care if my poem places in this contest. That's not what writing is about for me. As Emily Dickinson wrote:
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain.
If I can ease one life the aching
or cool one pain,
or help one fainting robin
unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
That's what it's about.
Wishing you peace,
Mark
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A guide through loss!
Mark,
I think that I've read this several times and each time, it brings tears. You hit the nail on so much emotion and feelings that one who has suffered a loss has felt. Personally I can say that it has taken me to all the places you mention and grief has been a long and painful journey, much like what you have shared.
I think that the pit we lose our loved ones too, has held too many who survive. Compelling write!
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Well, as you've mentioned that you labour over the spelling and grammar, its already done there. The notations of which ones you read here would help me as I have a difficult job with this contest in the judging alone....I don't want to make things difficult for anyone else. Thanks for making the time to add the notations.
Edited on Oct 10, 12:32 because ''. -
I read and applauded quite a few but haven't mentioned them in my notes yet. Sorry about that. I'll do that. I always labor over spelling and grammar as I'm posting, so hopefully that's okay.
Thanks!
Mark -
Mark,This contest ends at 11:59 pm PST on 10-12-2005, and this is a gentle reminder to take the time to edit your poems, read, comment , applaud as per the contest rules and note the works you've read in your author's notes. Thanks for entering and make sure you've taken the time to make certain to edit for spelling, grammar and author's notes.
Edited on Oct 10, 2:40 p.m. because ''. -
I was just reading this again, its the moments we have that we cherish with and without our loved ones physical presence. Very moving.
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Angel
Very true. One of the fatal flaws human being seem to have is taking each other for granted. As the old saying goes, we don't miss the water until the well runs dry.
Thanks for stopping by.
Mark -
honest and moving
This was such an honest and moving poem. You really "told it like it is!" We need to live more like how you suggested- and we really don't realize this until sometimes it is too late. Thank you for sharing this poem. -
This was a very hard contest .. for me anyway. i hope you do well.
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Wow, that's an incredibly long list of loss, like many of us accumulate over time. Life is something to treasure, with our loved ones or with an extra glass of wine for them in their absence and honor. The background you've chosen is both rich and dark as loved ones who imprint our lives often are. After experiencing loss, the strange doesn't seem so strange to me. Thanks for this entry.
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Mark, I am so glad you share your thoughts with us out here. Each day is truly a gift to cherish. Watching it wasted on animosity, hatred, and dissension is so frustrating. Not seeing the value of someone beneath the surface facade is often the crux of the dilemma. I value what you have written here and am pleased to add my applause as well.
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it's true...and for some reason I think about it all the time.
the knowledge that what I have is something to be appreciated and the fact I will lose someone I love or they will lose me makes me sad but appreciative for now.
great poem, great thoughts.
~Lea -
Hi Margaret,
Thanks very much for revisiting this one. That doesn't happen very often. It means a lot to me.
Re. free verse vs. "formal constraints", I'm a long-time defender of structured poetry, particulary rhyming poetry, and I always feel that I use the correct words. In fact, I think telling a story well or evoking emotion AND making it rhyme requires much more skill than free verse does. Almost every non-poet I talk to agrees that it's more pleasurable to read, too. So I keep rhyming. As Allan Ginsberg said, "Even iambic pentameter can be powerful if it's written from the gut." The only difference I feel when writing free verse is greater difficulty in creating a pleasing rhythm.
Anyway, theory aside, again, I appreciate your thoughts and kind comments on this poem. I hope all is well with you today.
Take care,
Mark
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I think I commented on this months ago, but this is such a timeless poem, I will again. I'm happy to see this in free verse, because without formal constraints you have chosen the correct words for the feelings of bereavement. We survive in two senses, we live beyond someone's death, and we find a way to live in spite of it.
I think that Pamela's poem which she mentioned above is a hopeful interpretation.
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* * * * *
I love the way you have flowed loss into delightful memories. A beautiful poem, true to life, real, and gifted. I chose this verse for inspiration in Sau's Contest, "Powerful Pens" and hope I can do your work justice. Truly a pleasure to read and ponder on. Very inspiring. -
Dragonessia,
Thank you. I'm glad you found something of value in this. Thanks for reading my author page, too. I always wonder if anyone takes the time. haha
Peace,
Mark -
Awesome
Thank you for writing this. Sometimes, we need to be reminded of pain and loss just to appreciate our blessings.
I also want to say thank you for the interesting
'Author page'. It got me to thinking...deep thoughts,
which I've tried to bury for a long time.
Peace - Dragonessia
Edited on Mar 16, 12:07 because '2'. -
We lose peope we care about so many die daily...and for them at least one person had a loss...it's sad...just to think you have to go on without them...you are ok in the end though...once the time has passed you realize they could be up in Shangri-La (heaven) and they have the great life...you know you don't have to worry about anything for them...just you making it through the lonely nights...you never do stop thinking of them...one day you do see them again i believe though...in the end everything is ok again...your tears are wiped away and their once again in your arms...i've said it befor and i'll say it again you are very talented and it shocks me to read such get poems...Never stop writing...
Hugs...
Mandi -
Hi Maureen,
I'm sorry to hear that, but not surprised. Depth of spirit such as your doesn't come easy. I'm sure you loved them very well when they were here, and I'm sure they knew it.
Mark -
I have lost many family members (some of them were young) and several friends (most of them when they were young) so I know the pit very well! Thank you for your encouraging words. I never know when it will happen again so I am bookmarking this poem for the future.
<3 Maureen
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I'm sorry to hear you lost a friend. I'm glad this helped.
Mark
Edited on Apr 07, 2:02 p.m. because ''. -
I lost a dear friend this week. I'm so glad I read this. I can't tell you how much this helps me. Thank you!!! It's hard sometimes to steer clear of the abyss, isn't it?
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What a beautiful and poignant write, Mark! I'm very well aquainted with that "pit" you spoke of. At some point though, as you said here, we all will lose someone. It is so very vital to remember what's really important; we focus far too much on things that have no lasting value of any sort. And too much of it spent on "things," instead of "people." This was a wonderful reminder of how important it is to cherish those around us while we have the opportunity! An excellent write!
Paula
Edited on Jan 12, 8:48 p.m. because ''. -
lol the term lotus eater refers to someone who pines on originality...and i'm all about being different, about being a nonconformist, so i'm always "nibbling on the lotus"
make sense?
anyonita -
Thanks for the great response. I appreciate it. One question - what does "nibbling on the lotus" mean?? That is an intriguing (and somewhat bizarre) statement. lol
Mark -
this was great...i enjoyed the nonconventional view it has...very original, very captivation...you've raised some good thoughts in here...made some valid points, reminded us of things that we'd rather not think about....and you've most importantly, left an impression on many people--well done poet, you have accomplished our sole task! glad i stumbled across you, gald you posted it....
nibbling on the lotus
anyonita -
Oh yeah, I know that pit all too well my friend. I have made plenty of trips to its edge. This was such a powerful write. I definitely provokes memories of my lost loved ones. Excellent job!
~ John
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This is extravegant! The way you wrote it, the words you used, everything about this piece is marvelous. It's always hard losing a loved one, but it's those around you that make it that much easier. What a masterpiece!!
Merry Christmas
Kelsi
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When it came down to me losing each of the 4friends I've lost, I had no warning for any of them. It was hard, and this poem reflected that. I was truely beautiful.
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I'm gonna quote you again, Mark...from your reply to Hearts a Fire...
'...The desire to live fully despite all the loss in life is where this poem came from. I'm so proud that it touched you and happy that it helped you remember the good things about the loved ones you lost. As you said, we never "get over it", so the only option left is choosing our memories and emotions carefully, keeping what serves and throwing away what doesn't. A choice equal in pain and necessity.'
THIS is where I live, my Friend...the air I inhale in deep, sometimes jagged breaths...we carry on because we must...it is a choice that we have to make...even though it's the hardest thing we'll ever do...somehow, with the passage of Time, it does seem to be less painful & more joyful...I feel alive now; I'm not sure I did before...Your Wisdom (yes, WISDOM, Mark) is a source of great comfort...& not just to me...your eyes have seen so many things that most people don't even know exist, let alone actually acknowledge...thank you, my Friend...for your Wisdom...& for your Bravery...it's obvious to those of us that have stared into the abyss...& decided to look away...Love you, my Friend...you're a Good Man...
& an even better Friend.. Wanda
Edited on Dec 20, 4:34 p.m. because ''. -
Hi Margaret,
Thanks for all you said. This is one of those subjects I wish I knew nothing about, but as Isaac Singer wrote, "No one goes through this life unscathed."
I agree with your point about minimalism. As you said, there are a lot of poets who try to "pare" their poems down to nothing, but I think the best poems sound like natural language. The purpose of art is to communicate. If someone were giving a speech and he clipped his language or used obscure words to impress people with his vocabulary, fewer members of the audience would understand the speech. That wouldn't be the audience's fault, it would be the speakers.
Likewise, when people read a story or poem and they encounter a word they don't understand or a line that doesn't make sense, they usually keep reading, but the next few lines or perhaps an entire page is lost because their mind is still stuck back on the part that confused them.
My first goal is always communication. Keeping the language simple and accessible is the best way I've found to communicate abstract emotions. Hugh Prather said words were invented to describe things outside of ourselves - bear, tree, river, etc. - so they are painfully inadequate for describing our emotions. That's why the metaphorical language of poetry can be so powerful. My favorite writers are the ones who write with a wildness akin to the sound made when one accidentally steps on a cat's tail. Pure emotion. We should avoid redundancies and give proper attention to grammar, line breaks, empty space, etc., but not at the expense of flowing language. I think word economy is important, but I think a lot of people think this means removing conjunctions to the point where the music of the poem is stripped away and it is no longer even pleasant to read.
Anyway, in short, I agree. What a blab, huh? lol
Merry Christmas!
Mark -
Thanks, Wanda. To know my little poem comforted someone suffering something as momentous as grief is as gratifying as it is humbling.
Mark -
Well said
I think you have written truth again, as usual. We survive the losses by understanding them, remembering the good, and going on.
Your stanza 7 "And some survive..." generated some discussion about the repetition at the end. I'd like to add my opinion that the meaning of silence and its weight are not the same thing. Free verse means that you can write as you wish, not that you have to pare it down to the starkest minimalism.
I know you have written from experience, but this poem also shows that you have studied and gained a broader understanding. I love the way you have ended with hope and courage. Loss happens, grief is necessary, but life remains.
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So very sad and so very true.
“We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;”
This is something we need to remind ourselves of, every single day, in order not to take for granted, those we love.
You have described the pain of grief extremely well here. I like the positive turn the poem takes in the last 5 stanzas, especially the line…
“like a flower opening after a storm,”
Excellent writing!
~ Louise
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I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and son. That must be so hard to live with. I used to rail against the pain in life and curse God for allowing death to be such a constant part of most people's lives, then I realized that God or the universe or whatever doesn't owe me or anyone anything, and that I better get tough and develop a warrior's spirit if I wanted to survive. Otherwise, all the pain within myself and the pain in the world around me would devour me alive. It happens to a lot of people, and they withdraw into themselves forever, or unable to cope even at that level, kill themselves outright. If we decide to live, we also need to decide to look at things the right way, or we'll just be walking around in a catatonic state, barely alive. The desire to live fully despite all the loss in life is where this poem came from. I'm so proud that it touched you and happy that it helped you remember the good things about the loved ones you lost. As you said, we never "get over it", so the only option left is choosing our memories and emotions carefully, keeping what serves and throwing away what doesn't. A choice equal in pain and necessity.
Wishing you peace,
Mark -
Hi Michelle,
Thank you so much for your comments on this one.
I'm always aware of how much I don't know, not just about poetry but everything in my life. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more cocky but I never allow myself to become too confident, which is good and bad. Good because humility is so necessary for new growth, bad because there isn't much repose for those without self-assuredness. It all comes with being a neurotic artist, I guess. So encouragement like yours is golden. Maybe one day I'll become supremely confident in my abilities and my writing will become better (or worse. lol)
Thanks again. I really appreciate it.
Mark -
Masterfull
We all have different writing styles, that's what makes it an art. Some of us have a talent for one style more than another, that's what makes us a master. The master has a talent for painting a classic with his/her words and taking the reader on a journey with him/her thereby giving the reader a glimpse into their world. While I enjoy reading the works of a Picasso, there are those times that I prefer to read a Monet, being able to find my own distance at which I can observe the art. And then there are those times where I would much prefer to read a Michaelangelo. Where I can read the beauty of the words no matter what distance I stand. The words are clear, and I don't have to dive into deep thought to capture the essence of the artist.I can easily read Michaelangelo, because the beauty just is. It's plain for all the world to see, and no matter what the distance, you are still always drawn into it. Our words are much like these artists, we all have our favorites, and we all walk away with our own impression of that artist. And you Mark, have the talent to cross the borders of all three. From
Edited on Dec 16, 12:47 because ''. -
smiles . .great piece of reality and emotion
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This is truely a beautiful poem.I know that pit well. you are right. you will always cry but things get better. the pain becomes bearable. thnx for sharing!!!!
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exquisite
Oh, my wonderful Friend...what a stunningly beautiful poem this is...I'm at the library now, tears falling like rain...silent, but comforting, somehow...at first, I thought of Don...then my mother...then my sisters...it spoke to my pain for every one of them...it sang to the grief in my Heart, Mark...it soothed the ache that never goes away...but, as you said,
'...Somehow, some survive all that
and like a flower opening after a storm,
slowly begin to remember
the one they lost in a different way -
the laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the warm and generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.
And in time, they fill in that dark pit
with other memories,
the only memories that really matter.
We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.
And that is how it should be.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.'
YES, that is what they would want, for all of us...
You are such a beacon of Light & Truth, my Dear Wanderin' Friend...thank you for this poem...for the Knowledge it took to write it...& for the Compassion it takes to reach out to others in their own grief...it's never an easy thing to face; when they leave us too soon, it's even worse...Bless you, my Friend...you're such a Good Man...such a Grand Heart...
Wanda
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Wow Uncle Mark, this is beautiful... it made me teary eyed! What you have written and expressed is so true and just like your writings, and from what I have learned from you, you always make me understand that much more that death is just as much a part of life, and just like everything, I need to let the demons go... your brother would be and is so proud of you for writing this, I know your niece is Love You --- Niece Sara
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Oh! Mark, remind me again about how precious moments are where all is well. It is heaven on Earth and those times should be grasped and embraced.
I like that you reiterate...it rouses me.
C'est magnifique.
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Mark,no offense to Ron..i am sure he is great writer just from his comment to you..i can tell..i will definetely check his work..it was just my opinion..no offense to anybody..and yes i was just defending you lol..talk to u later..
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Hi YPL,
Ron is a terrific writer and I think his advice is true. We just have different styles. Thanks for saying "your repetition of some thoughts made your poem even stronger". I'm discovering that this is a recurring theme in my work, and it's easy for reiteration to come off as redundancy or spelling too much out for the reader. (A big no-no.)
Thanks for the nice comment, and for defending me. lol Check out some of Ron's work, though. He really is a great poet.
Mark -
Hi Ron,
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I understand your point, and agree actually - a poem should be concise rather than meandering or covering the same ground over and over. I would only argue that there's a big difference between reiteration and superfluous language. I use repeated emphasis a lot to drive a point or feeling home a little more.
There is also much about writing that is mysterious - why one line, though having more words, has more of an emotional impact than a line with fewer words. For instance, though shorter, I don't think the line you suggested ("under the weight of meaningful silence") has as much strength because the word "meaningful" is ambiguous.
I do admit that I tend to spell things out too much at times. I like to get into the details of stories, emotions, etc., and make it easy for the reader to understand, but (hopefully) in the name of clarity, not talking down to the reader. That's another fine line.
Funny you should mention haikus. I've been winding up to start tackling them for a long time, mainly due to the inspiration of haikumonk, the resident haiku expert here.
I think what it boils down to is we have very different writing styles. However, I have read your work and think you're an excellent writer, just different from me.
Thanks for the advice and encouragement.
Mark
Edited on Dec 15, 3:00 p.m. because ''. -
An Excellent Job!
Mark,this is a heartfelt poem..you did good job letting the reader feel how it feels to lost someone dear but i liked the way you said there is hope in life and how some people can survive and move on but others just get stock in the pain and can't move on..and this is so true actually..
your repition of some thoughts made your poem even stronger..therefore i don't really agree about what was said above from RONBEAM..I really loved this piece and enoyed reading it as i read most of your work here in AP.. -
Thought-filled
I liked what I read here through the thoughts and caring behind it, Mark. My one concern throughout this piece was your propensity to repeat yourself within stanzas and with a line following a line to define the previous line. Sometimes this is done because a poet feels that the reader may not understand what they just read, so the next line attempts to clarify. We have all been guilty of this as poets from time to time. When I write, I try to remind myself, "The reader is very intelligent." Here is a good example from "How We Survive."
"when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that the silence means." Your 3rd line here contains 6 words and 4 of them are throw aways. Generally, the object of poetry is to say the most with the least amount of verbage. These same 3 lines could have had as much impact, but condensed to 2 lines,
"when their breath is crushed
under the weight of meaningful silence."
There are several spots like this in this poem. I am not knocking you, just trying to help. In fact I think you could write a darn good haiku, because you show a flair for imagery. While the haiku form is very restrictive, it is a great exercise in word economy and distillation of thought.
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This was so painful.I liked it a lot.No one wants someone they loved to die and the ones that died don't want us to be unhappy for them.They went to a better place if they were a good person to you they did things right in life so they don't want to see us cry over them.Wonderful write.
Hugs.
Mandi -
tht's a piece of art tht pierced my silence
kept me bare with no words to face the awesome trace
speechless foreverago
keep the show on rolling
little sousou
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This was really beautifull written and heartbreaking! Very nice job! Keep it up!!! This was an awesome write! Great Job!
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This is an amazing peice. Theres a sad truth to it. It was a great pleasure to read. Great work
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I agree to the fact that we are standing on the edge of the cliff, as if tightrope walking along the very edge, with a simple slip taking you far off the path of life. Anything could push you, but at the same time anything could pull you away from the cliff. Good thought enducing write, so for this I applaud you
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Mark, I have to agree with everything you have written...I have lost one child and 2 husbands to sudden death, it is final and one must go on and learn not only to survive, but also to be happy and at peace with it all....well done freda
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this is so heartfelt.actually it runs deeper.it touches the soul.you have captivated the true emotional essence of losing an earth angel and conveyed them in a manner that we all felt but were unable to put into words.you never cease to amaze me with your literary ability.one of your best qualities remain to be your versatility.you poured your heart out here and you echoed mine.
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Another wonderful write you have here hun
love and hugs
Lena
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