My paramour, who resides across the sea,
Swims forty furlongs by night to visit me
Guided by crackling flames of a torch's fire
Fueled with the puissance supplied by desire...
I would watch for him from this lofty tower,
Pacing anxiously, awaiting the imminent hour
Until the moment he would arrive on shore;
We sated our passions during the hours before
The arrival of dawn's golden harbinger rays
Which coerces us to part our separate ways;
But in the distance I see the tempest rise...
Virulent cumulonimbus clouds invaded the skies
Desperate, I invoked quietude into the night
Hoping my mistress comprehended my plight
Yet utterances failed as rain came crashing;
Waves rumbled beneath the tempestuous lashing
A voice reached me then, so faraway and hollow
At the instant when the sea began to swallow
Him, one to whom I'd sworn away my heart;
Shrieks of utter anguish issued forth with a start...
Tears brimming for the loss of my kindred soul,
I beseeched the ocean to ingurgitate me whole
Just before I surrendered, hurdling toward death,
Exchanging life for my only love in a final breath;
My merciful goddess melded us, blood and bone,
Immortalizing our affection in solidified stone.
Author notes
based on the Hero and Leander story...
I decided to write it from her point of view, and this is her account of the events that lead to their deaths. the only difference here is the ending.
Written December 13th, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
-
Bravo
And hello to you my friend! It was so good to see your post again. You know, I have always been a #1 fan of your poetry. You can write about anything and always with finesse. And your word usage brings such beauty to your poems though (ok, I admit my illiteratcy). I could never begin to write with the depth you have!
I also admit I don't know the Hero and Leander story either but you sure wrote one hell of a masterpiece here!!
Hugs
to you my friend!
-
The Hero and Leander story-nicely done! I like the way you picked to show it from her side. The ending has to be my favorite part; those last two lines had such a bittersweet beauty to them. The flow was fairly smooth, and the word choice was exceptional. Very nice write!
~Jessica
-
Guided by crackling flames of a torch's fire
Fueled with the puissance supplied by desire...
I would watch for him from this lofty tower,
Pacing anxiously, awaiting the imminent hour
Until the moment he would arrive on shore;
We sated our passions during the hours before
The arrival of dawn's golden harbinger rays
Which coerces us to part our separate ways;
But in the distance I see the tempest rise...
Virulent cumulonimbus clouds invaded the skies
Well penned indeed! Marvelous job girl! Impressive words in use here and a beautiful poem in all. -theQueen" -
EXCELLENT
As always my friend, you have such a way with words which makes the reader gentle smile while reflecting on the read. Such a beautiful love story, one I can see published now.
Just thought I would stop by, read you, say hello and ask, how have you been doing my friend?
TD
-
This is one history lesson I must have missed, but I'm sure I enjoyed it much more in your telling of it
Great and tragic story you have told here.
-
B
Damn good! So many big and intellegent words, lol
I really liked this one!
thanks for being my first entry :-) -
excellent
The well-crafted versification skilly narrates the whole story about Hero and Leander with the right tone, rhythme and rhyming which flow beautifully and slowly throughout its learned literary devices till its very end.
The "pietas" felt during the reading takes the "hipocrite lecteur" far away towards his/her cultural backgroud where other classical literary examples of similar dead heroes and heroines lie : Romeo and Juliet. Paolo and Francesco,etc.
I really enjoyed it.Thanks for sharing and for your reviews. I had answered to your review about Impulse of Love but it has gone away again and I don't know why? I'll write it again as soon as possible.
God bless you Almighty Aphrodite!
Ulysses
-
This is an incredible piece of work...there are so many amazing things here, but in particular I like:
Shrieks of utter anguish issued forth with a start...
Tears brimming for the loss of my kindred soul,
I beseeched the ocean to ingurgitate me whole
Just before I surrendered, hurtling toward death,
Exchanging life for my only love in a final breath;
It just seems to cry out to me.
Good luck! -
wow......amazing poem!! i love this, you are a great writer. i love the way you worded all of it and showed so much emotion.
great job, please keep writing so i can keep reading!!
<33~lenalee~<33 -
I found this to be an extremely complex piece of art. Your vocabulary is extensive, and I must say that I didn't know the meanings to half of those big words! But I can safely say that I could imagine what they meant, and no beauty was taken away from what you were writing. By the way, I don't know the story of the Hero and Leander... Thank you for entering my contest.
-
I love your use of Literary devices, such as, onomatopoeia, metaphor and others. Your diction was beautiful; good, strong, solid words. the rhyming pattern was outstanding. It reminded me of a well-crafted ballad. The flow just danced along the page. The whole piece was truly outstanding. I am amazed by its beauty and romance. The emotions were strong and well-executed. The poem had a depth and clarity rarely found on this site. These were my favorite lines:
A voice reached me then, so faraway and hollow
At the instant when the sea began to swallow
Him, one to whom I'd sworn away my heart;
Shrieks of utter anguish issued forth with a start...
Tears brimming for the loss of my kindred soul,
I beseeched the ocean to ingurgitate me whole
Just before I surrendered, hurtling toward death,
Exchanging life for my only love in a final breath;
My merciful goddess melded us, blood and bone,
Immortalizing our affection in solidified stone.
I really think this was the best part of this piece, maybe because I felt as if it were talking about my own experience. I can not wait to read more of your work. This was brillant! -
Different
Great vocabulary use. The large words caused me to slow down the read. The short rhyming couplet usually causes the readed to pace quickly. It is also interesting that you wrote this in sonnet form, one continious flow, rather than break it up for emphasis. -
Wow! I am in awe of your vocabulary! I hate to admit it but, some I didn't even know. But, that didn't detract from the overall impression of talent I recieved from this piece. It is beautiful and enchanting. You've got a work of art here!
-
Very beautiful poem, indeed. I must say- that picture I see everywhere. I love it. I've never heard of the story you mentioned but if this was based on it, I think you did a very brilliant job. If it is a long story, then this would be a great summary in a wonderful form. Short story, well, to the same effect but marvelous all the same! Great work,
~Miki~ -
Such a sad story, the first part reminded me of a book I once read, but it didn't end like that. You wrote this really well, full of emotion and anguish. excelent story well written.
-
hmm, and here i thought i was familiar w/the mythology. excellent flow and wondrous rhyme. great story and wonderfull told. your work never disappoints. great write.
-
Interesting take on the classic story. Hidden affections often are fraught with peril and usually don't end on good notes. This illustrates my point. Nicely done!
-
Wow, that ending was beautiful. I loved the story, although the rhyming seemed a bit forced. Even so, it was a pleasure to read. Nice job!
-
Super!!
This is a great poem! I love it! It is just excellent! Where do you get your inspiration to write such pieces? This is truely wonderful! -
Now I can come back to say what I feel,lol, this is a beautiful poem,full of vivid visuals, It was a pleasure to read, all the best in the comp, hugs Di
-
Wow, I've not read Hero and Leander, but this was really good. I envy your rhyming skills (of which I have none
) It was sad, too, but beautifully done. I'm glad I clicked on it. It was the title that caught my attention, but then I'm rather morbid, I guess. Well enough rambling
-
Awesome, fantastic, spell binding bravo!!!
Exquisite a tale woven with the feast of the word weaver's mighty pen (keyboard) immersed in imagery spell binding, brilliant... sorry I get carried away after reading one of your pieces and I can't controll myself... brava
-
Okay sweetie,I had to applaud because harbinger is my fave word this week.Oh the poem was okay too.Just kidding,this is beautiful.As usual your language is breathtaking,without the writing to impress quality of many students of language.And there is no force apparent in your rhyme.A love story for the ages.Bravo!Peace,Rob
-
great
How's it going EIQ? Tell me-what inspired you to write this piece-everytime I read this it means more to me-I'm probley to dumb to get the depth of this poem-but hey, keep going deeper-I'm putting you on my favs-see ya. -
Excellent Work
This story's beautifully written, and was taken from a very interesting point of view. I loved the imagery as well as the overall tone of this piece. It was very romantic, but so very sad, for the ending literally "sealed their fates". You did an excellent job with writing this. I enjoyed it
-
Wow, I'm really impressed with your wide use of vocabulary here! Some very unusual and interesting words used. ^_^ Your rhyming was absolutely flawless, which is always good to see - and of course, the concept is unique and well delivered with gleaming imagery. I love it. ^_^ Good luck in the contest and thanks very much for entering!
-
Someone else is very much at ease with the myths, I feel uncomfortable doing critique on the judges work , so I will say I love it,i would prefer to do critiques after but you made it a rule, no matter what happens I will come back after comp is finished and say in the words I want to say, this was a below the belt rule, LOL
-
so I don't forget Yet utterances faiiled as rain came crashing; Failed is spelled wrong
Okay 2 for 2 my dear. Although I can't stand rhyme (because I swear it takes away from the emotions and the realness of a poem) I was not annoyed by this. I love the imagery (was very good) I do not know the story you speak of but the story you tell is sad and beautiful. I have seen the picture you use in your border before and have always wanted to write something to fit the photo apparently you beat me to it and have done a better job then I probally would have
-
How enchanting tis your write oh lovely one. Great flow and perfect rhyming provokes great imagery. Hey... what's not to like?
-
Metamorphically Ingenious!
WOW! Raven, this is such a beautiful story. I haven't read the Hero and Leander story but I definitely will. I can almost picture you pacing the lofty tower waiting patiently for your lover to swim across the sea. A wonderful mythological picture you've painted here but, the sea has a way of drowning our hopes and dreams in one great swallow. And you in losing your kindred soul, beseech the ocean to swallow you whole. Then along comes your merciful goddess immortalizing your affections in solidified stone. Raven, this was such a beautiful story. I loved it and I am so happy that I am the first to have commented. Thank you again for sharing this one and keep that muse alive. All my best to you this Christmas and throughout the New Year. This was an amazingly wonderful story with so many images, one can't get enough in hopes the story would never end. But the ending was really great.
Blessings to you,
Avril (Big Sister)
Adding your comment:
1 - 30 of 30
