Your rhythm divine
takes everyone high.
The fluffy clouds sway
in the tangerine sky.
With your cool waft
the heavenly birds glide
Guiding the sailors
to the Gates of Paradise.
Angelic drizzle
enlightens me like
a drink of mystic wine.
I close my eyes;
Begin rocking in your soft, cold splendor.
Feeling freedom in your arms
As your fingers fly away a lock of my hair,
As your cold lips cress my cheeks,
The drizzle now triples like a rain.
I open my eyes to see
The cool dry comfort getting wet
With each blessed drop
Of God’s liquid gold.
Author notes
I wanted to write something so bad about the Windy weather of Syracuse but I am so brain drained today after the Chemistry Exam, I feel like I have lost all of my artistic abilities. I am not satisfied with this piece, this will definately be edited again and again till I have reached my level of perfectionism.
Constructive Critiques are Welcome as well as general comments. Please DO NOT copy and paste my poem back to me. Thank You!
Written December 10th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
Well what more can I add to critiques that already encompass the length and breadth of the poem?
All I can say is if you wrote this brain drained then well done. Sometimes its best to leave a work in its raw state for purity or integrity of the poetic vision. I think people must move away from the rigid thinking of trying to make every poem fit a particular structure or conform to certain 'rules'.
Poetry is after all a form of expression, and who owns the copyright to freedom of expression?
Will read more of your work to compare against this piece.
Take care and be well.
Previn -
I don't agree with your cheering section. This could use some heavy editing. For now, you might fix this typo:
As your cold lips cress my cheeks, (caress)
Are there sailors in Syracuse? If not, you might want to remove that part, as it seems just thrown in, with no relation to the rest of the poem. As far as the clouds, I'd change "sway" to "dance".
I think "waft" is a verb only, so I'm not sure what you are trying to say there. I don't much care for the final stanza, and would recommend you rethink the way you want it to read.
This section here is really good:
Angelic drizzle
enlightens me like
a drink of mystic wine.
This will be a much better poem once you fix a few things.
-
This was very good you say you were brain draiend when you came up with this but it still came out fantastic wonderful work I love the lines With each blessed drop Of God’s liquid gold that was a really cool part to add to this lots of love Robin...aka SH
-
not bad
PDG
-
nice imagery
-
Love it
I love it!! "Angelic drizzle
enlightens me like
a drink of mystic wine." is my favorite line.
Love, Ashlee aka Alahmorah
-
uv made me a fan with ur great style of writting. i love this poem because it has such a soft feel. well done. just improve ur rhyming but other than that gd rite. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~rob~ -
Wonderfully amazing
I love your style, your are without a doubt classy and you happen to remind me of a famous poet in Chicago named Ann Votaw -
good
Not bad, especially since you were worn out. It could easily be improved if you worked the rhythem a bit. Especially the third stanza and last line last stanza. Count out the lines. I have a strange connection with the wind, don't ask it's not a weird teenage thing, I always have. So of course this appealed to my senses, most notably the third stanza. One the whole I really did enjoy this.
Curtain
Ladie -
"Brain drained???" Who would have thunk it? This is precious. I love every moment of the feelings I got while reading this poem. Don't you change a thing!
The poem is surreal, leaving me with wonderful pictures in my mind.
Angelic drizzle
enlightens me like
a drink of mystic wine.
I love poems that I can use all my sense with. I tasted the flavor of this stanza and it was sweet. I did not copy paste these lines, I wrote them out longhand!
EXQUISITE word art here! 
-
great/excellent
this is an awsome excellent write/poem
excellent work.
keep it up and also thanks for that comment on my poem
keep up the great work and i also enjoyed reading this very much
thanks for sharing
melinda9832 -
This is awesome! It b coooool, man!
I usually copy n paste a piece tha' i love/think is funny/think is cool in me comments!
Eny
-
*agrees with matt* i didn't see anything outright wrong with this, so any changes you make would prob be extraneous improvements, but for a non-attempt which you think this was, i think it's quite good, personified the wind really well, *smiles and gives two thumbs up*
-
A lovely write, for someone who was "drained" this was excellent, it's come a long ways, yet it's always held beauty. A lovely write the third verse I give great praise too.
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
11 old applause
