I met a gorgeous woman years ago.
In every way, she was just terrific.
But there was one little problem . . .
Her breath was absolutely horrific.
I wondered how such a beautiful face
could produce an odor like dead toads.
I mean, the stench was so disgusting,
She could make trains take dirt roads.
I was very attracted to this girl
So it was really breaking my heart.
Her breath was so damn nauseating,
It was a relief when she would fart.
Words are inadequate to fully describe
The God-awful foulness of her breath
But anyone within three feet of her
Was given a grim reminder of death.
One day, we were having a picnic
And a fly started buzzing around.
It flew too close to her gaping maw
And fell stone dead to the ground.
Every time she coughed or burped,
Her teeth would jump out of the way.
I wanted to let her know somehow
But I couldn't figure out what to say!
I mean, how do you tell someone
That their breath smells like turds?
I spent a fortune on breath mints
Because I couldn't find the words.
It was a terribly frustrating situation
Wanting to kiss her but gagging when I would.
I even spiked her drinks with Breath Assure
But it never did a damn bit of good!
One night, we ended up in bed.
How I survived, I'll never know.
I felt like she was Godzilla
And I was poor, little Tokyo!
So I declared war against her halitosis
But all my attacks and tricks would fail.
I even gave her a glass of Listerine once
And told her it was just a strong cocktail.
The greatest mystery throughout this ordeal
Was how she herself never picked up the smell!
I mean, her nose was right above her mouth
Like a bucket dangling over a polluted well.
But she did come in handy once while camping
When we were attacked by a big grizzly bear.
She screamed and the bear got a good whiff.
Man, he high-tailed it right out of there!
Having no recourse, I finally ended it
But I could never answer all of her why's.
I mean, how could I tell her about the stench
And the itching and burning of my eyes?
So I satisfied myself with only her picture
Because a photo only smells like emulsion.
I have all but forgotten her breath now.
The fear, the horror, the deep repulsion.
But I felt very guilty about it all later,
And since she never took any of my hints,
I spent a few grand and anonymously sent her
A lifetime supply of (strong) breath mints.
Author notes
Okay, I may have exaggerated a little for comedic effect. Her breath didn't really scare off a grizzly bear. The rest is true, though. lol
Written December 10th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- CHEER ME UP prewrites allowed by .
300 points, ended August 3, 2005, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me laugh....really laugh. by islekine.
475 points, ended September 14, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hit My Funny Bone by SmokinHotWhiteTiger.
525 points, ended December 28, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 68 of 68
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Thank You For Entering
I donno what to say about this poem I find it extremely hilarious and yet the fact some of this is actually rrela impreesses me to the extint my mouth dropped opened. nice job all round and keep up the good work n good luck -
Okay, so you already won silver
for this one...I gave you the gold. I had a boyfriend once......lol...same problem! I loved this! Thanks for entering!
*PEACE*
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You, Mark Rickerby, are a very interesting man! How you can go from writing things with such depth, and then shuffle this out of your deck is quite the eye-opener!
You have a broad spectrum of language usage- that's great. And, PRAISE THE LORD- someone that can rhyme! Prose is a lazy poet's disease, I think.
WELL... I hope I never have to go through this. Of course, I'm pretty honest with people about some of those things sometimes. I would've probably just told her after a fwe minutes, if it was nauseating me that much. -
this is so hilarious!!! loved this!! absolutly loved it!! good luck!
~*CASEY*~ -
Lol. This is hilarious Mark, sounds like you needed to buy some stock in Tic Tacs. I used to have a buddy with a problem like this (notice I said used to have). He always smelled like he'd just eaten a shit sandwich. Shame really. Great stuff. Good luck in the contest. Take care and Have fun. Steve
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Yes, it's true. I didn't really give her Listerine and tell her it was a cocktail, though. The thought crossed my mind but the only reason I didn't do it was I didn't want to poison her. haha After all, she was perfectly nice except for her dragon breath. lol
Thanks,
Mark
P.S. Sorry for accidentally removing this poem from your contest. I hope I can put it back somehow. Thanks!
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oh my gosh, this is true? this is so hilarous. you made me laugh a lot, thankyou! luck
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OMG...i found this to be really funny, but to know its true..wow...I can see why you had to end it..I mean, thats pretty bad...And i agree, how could she not tell?
I really did enjoy the laugh
Take care, Mark
tammy
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Boy...Can I relate to this one! You learn to resort to garlic or some other malodorous sabatoge to keep them away from you! This is funny, but pathetic, too. I love your ability to tell the story in rhyme and that you had heart enough to like her anyway.
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Well, I can forgive a person for farting. It's a natural process. But breath like a sewer is another thing. Blech! Oral hygiene is A#1 in my book. lol
Thanks,
Mark -
Her breath was so completely repulsive,
it was a relief when she would fart.
LMAO!!!
That cracked me up!
Sounds like she had gum rot or some kind of rot 
And she farted too...bad breath wasn't enough but she was one of those farting women pigs..me? - I've never blown one in my life - nope, not me...
honest.
Thanks for the laugh! Enjoyed this very much!
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lol!!yeah smelly breath sucks huh!!!
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Thank you for your sympathy. Yes, it was a harrowing experience. lol
Take care,
Mark -
yay
This was very good. I enjoyed it. Very creative...You met someone with breath this bad...I feel sorry for you deeply Good luck and well done
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Hey Jenn,
You're married to someone with breath like this?! Wow, you are a saint. lol He must be a heck of a guy.
Mark
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Wow, now THAT is brutal honesty. Poor guy. I guess he knew he had bad breath or he wouldn't have been chewing so much gum, huh? It sounds like it didn't do much good. It's sort of like when someone sprays pine-scented air freshener in the bathroom. It just ends up smelling like someone pooped in the woods. haha
I'm glad this gave you a few laughs. It was one of the funnest poems I've ever written, partly because of the emotional and psychological catharsis. I had been suppressing the horror of this memory for far too long. lol -
I think that is the third time that I read this poem and still laughing like crazy! If you allow me to tell a small joke here...well you aren't online so I'll tell anyway
A guy worked at the 5th floor of a building. Everyday he watched a girl passing by, and she waved at him, every single day. Finally they decided to meet each other downstairs. The guy spent the whole day chewing peppermint chewing gum, he had a terrible breath (probably Godzilla's brother). At the end of the day, he went downstairs, saw the girl and asked her: "guess what I have in mouth?" - turning her face away she answered: "shit"
Oh, why people can't smell their own bad breath?
Thanks again for this very funny poem!
Kisses (don't worry, my mouth isn't a sewer)
Mari
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omg sounds like a guy that I know. His breathe is so raunchy. Smells like rotten fish I kid you not. I am the same way I cannot find the way to tell him that his breathe is so bad and what makes it so much harder I am married to the man but his breathe wasn't that bad when we first got married! anywho.. This really had me busting at the seams. thank you for the laugh
Jenn
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Hey John,
I'm very sorry to hear that. lol
Thanks,
Mark -
Mark, this is too flipping funny my friend! I am sitting here chuckling like there is no tomorrow. I think you and I may have met the same chick, because I knew one way back that may have at least been her twin sister! LOL
~ John
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"Nothing could prepare a man for that sort of thing." It's like you're talking about being a prisoner of war. lol Too funny.
Mark -
suppose you had to be there. there were days when her breath would curl the hair on my head and straighten the hair in other places.
don't get me wrong; she is a wonderful woman. in fact, amazing. but, her breath... *cringing at the memory of it* ...nothing could prepare a man for that sort of thing. -
Hey Shannon,
I'm waiting to see a movie with two people on a date at a restaurant and one with breath so bad that the other goes into the bathroom, takes the big "mint" out of the toilet, sticks it in his/her yap and walks out. lol That would be the ultimate hint.
I'm sorry you had a Godzilla experience, too. I hope you have recovered completely. haha
Mark -
Hey Aeolian,
I can't believe you said it. lol I do know what you mean, though. I dated a Korean girl once and her breath was, uhm, interesting, too. Something about the Asian diet, I guess.
Disclaimer: Asians are lovely people with many fine qualities and the above comment is in no way meant to disparage or insult any member of any racial group, aside from the fact that their breath is sometimes incredibly rank. lol
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Now you tell me!! lol Wisdom always arrives too late.
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you could have written her a poem...something along the lines of:
I think you are a honey
A really classy chick
Bu your f**ing halitosis
Turns me really sick.
I mean if you had given that to her with a breath freshener and a rose (the romantic way always works)...it could have worked....hehe...hilarious Mark well done!...leanne xxx -
HAHA THAT IS AWESOME! omg that was hilarious! good job
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Uncle Mark, if this doesn't win Gold I dunno what will!
This was sooo wrong, yet very cute and funny! Thanks for giving me a reason to laugh today, I needed it Sorry it took me awhile to get to this piece, I only wish I read it earlier! Great Job Uncle Mark, I know if I was judging this contest you'd get a trophy, but since I'm not, Good Luck, this is definitely trophy-winning! 
Love You 
---Sara
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LOL, that was too funny. I dated a guy a couple of times who had the same problem. He was very good looking. Perfect skin and amazing eyes, but as soon as he talked...his breath was ungodly!!!! Dental hygiene is very important when choosing a mate. Awesomely clever and I really dug the beat!
Peace & Love~~~~ Shannon Rose -
I had trouble reading it the colours jumped a lot, but I'm glad I took the time, as this made me laugh my head off! Great write (may be sending this to a few people as a subtle hint for their problems- one of them happens to be called Mark lol)!
Love
Shimmerysoup
XXX -
oh ... my .... GOD!
Bezoar just read this to me (we live together), and she reads very well. I nearly coughed up a lung laughing as this as she read.
Was this woman by any chance Taiwanese? The Taiwanese have a diet that makes for a pretty intollerable breath.
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If you don't win this contest. It will be a severe case of injustice. I'm still laughing.
~Bezoar -
lol
i kno a girl liek this, i dont kno that her breath stinks but she ceratinly sounds like godzilla when she screams, lol.
funny write -
O thank you so much for this terrific laugh. I'm still giggling. A fabulous humour write. I sure needed that laugh.
Wonderful work. Keep 'em coming.
~Bezoar -
lol this is really funny! heh, some of the things that you said about her eating ans such, was a little nasty lol it was still really excellent! You did a good job with the rhyming scheme. good job.
Loev ~ Jess ~ -
This was a hoot. I am sorry that yall's 'chemistry' didn't work out. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
I am not sure whom I would feel more sorry for the beautiful girl with the horrid breath , who's picture now is merely a potion for the lotion....oops you said emulsion and repulsion or you .........
"feeding her lots of parsley would have done the trick maybe
and today she would be Mrs. Rickerby "
That is pronounced as Rickerbee for rhyme's sake
Best of luck in the contest,
Reenie
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I truly hate to say it but your write left a bad taste in my mouth
tis a good thing you got rid of her before you tried going south -
i forgot i had commented on this but i enjoyed it even more the second time around.i have to give you another applause for using your points.
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wildly funny
So I guess she thought the tears in your eyes was your romantic, sentimental side eh? I don't know how you do it! This is hysterical! Your range of talent just leaves me in awe! I too like your stanza with the picture. But then I have to say,it is a mighty brave man that will make love to her in spite of her dilema. Or his should I say. Just goes to show, that when the divining rod is seeking its source, nothing, I mean NOTHING gets in its way!! Good luck on the contest, I think you have the Gold wrapped up. ~Michelle~ -
LMBO!!! Now this was so funny, I laughed, giggled, or smiled through the whole think, absolutely well done, and I wish you all the best in this contest too, it was great, please pen on, thanks too, I needed that laugh!
-Timothy -
You've got a GREAT idea here. Nice job.
~All 28~ -
ROFLMAO!!! Ohhhhhhh, Mark...you da Man!!! This is horribly, terribly, YES...even horrifically hilarious!!! My poor, poor Friend...I'se sooooo sorry you had to endure such a tragic tale of halitosis!!! Man...you'd think they'd notice, eh??? LOL Yet another totally unexpected & completely sensational write from da Meister hisself!!! Sir, I humbly bow to your Greatness... ~ Wanda
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There is not more that can be said
about your outstandly good work
without turning your head...
yet, I am a big Godzilla fan, too,
remembering he had a son, wondering "how,"
at least now I know "who." -
I've known a few people who had horrid breath, but it seems your tale of countless breath-inspired near-death experiences far outweighs anything I've endured! One would think to use toothpaste every now, and those mints, and some gum, and perhaps a complete cleaning of the mouth, but I suppose some just don't use common sense. Definitely a great write here; good luck in that contest.
One thing though, you might want to alter the color scheme here. Yeah, I'm sure it's for effect and all, considering what the piece is about, but bright-yellow on hot-pink isn't very kind on the eyes, y'know?
Edited on Dec 11, 1:30 because ''. -
This was thouroughly amusing! And clever. The second last stanza was brilliant
"So I satisfied myself with only her picture
because a photo only smells like emulsion" ... pure genius! And the rhyme with emulsion and repulsion. Hats off to you.
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stinkolicious
i seriously laughed out loud a few times...... funny shit and excellently written... i hope you win the contest
Edited on Dec 11, 1:22 because ''. -
Me again..I forgotte to say good luck in the contest..i think it is a winner..lol
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Omg Mark,you are just sooooo funny..was hilarious one..i hope wasn't real story..lol..
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it is a very comical piece.the wording is great as is the flow.this is another one of yours that have captured me and held me in its grip.you are a terrific writer and so versatile.
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HAHAHA! Ohhh lorrddddy... I have been in many similar situations... my heart goes out to you!!!
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HEHEHEHEHEHE! this is very funny! I love how its told in sucha free style form. very cool. it sorta reminds me os an episode of Seinfeld. If jerry were a very eloquent man who was renowned in literature, this would be exactly how he would tell his audience a tale of an ex girlfriend. its silly i kno but thats what i see. very entertaining. well done!
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I like this in a mouth gargling sort of way. On the other hand, I was usually too rabid to let breath like an old corpse turn me off.
David -
haha... this is ridiculous! In a good way, of course. I'm trying to get off the floor but my knees are too weak from lauging. geeeeez... what ever brought this on... I hope with all my sincerity, this isn't a true story!..... or even based on truth. The poem works a bit like limerick...... fun work you've done here.....
Don -
yoooooooooooooooo....i knew a girl like this...but her breath didn't smell normally..only when i kissed her. i mean i almost threw up when i first kissed her. yeah so you can guess i dumped her right away....nice poem by the way
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Funny
Wow! creative! i would never have thought of something like this...it was all SUNNY, and sad at the same time....you make me laugh!! -
(laughing)
This was a great write. I know someone who should have a nice lifetime supply of breathmints...I don't know how to approach her about it...perhaps I should just give her a gift under the tree this year, from Santa Claus or something.........Or would that be too obvious? -
great
that was hillarious! great write.-liz -
Luv it!
great write! funny and original! i love it! the way in which u describe her breath and how you don't want to tell her, is so great! i loved reading this! keep up the good work, and don't stop writing!!!!! -
Is this a true story? Because I know someone like that. And I used to have a friend that needed deodarant SO BADLY that you tried not to breathe when she was close by. But like you said, how do you tell someone that? Hillariously expressed. Great job!
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lmao ...farts were a relief eh, that's awful but sounds like her breath was too Very cute, lol.
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I mean, how do you tell someone their breath
smells like they've been dining on cat turds?
I was spending a fortune on breath mints
because I just couldn't find the right words
LMAO! Oh dear lord and lady, I think I busted a seam when I read that! This was exceedingly well done, the fine balance between humor and male despair excellently expressed, lol, giving it a snowball aspect where it just rolls and rolls down that hill of high humor...lol. Marvelous and ticklish in every possible way!
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I like it and it's really funny to me. is it a true poem? Very good!! The most beatiful things have their down sides
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That was quite entertaining, one little thing, the rythm along with the rhyming is a little awkward, you have to reread some of the lines to get them to fit, but I think it was well written. Twas quite entertaining and I laughed. Good concept, good poem. God bless
~Stefani~ -
Great poem!! Very funny, it made me smile the whole way through :-) Is this a true story though?? I'm just curious.... but keep up the good work!!
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(coughs into palms and checks breath)...mmmm chocolate
this was hilarious, you had me laughing harder and harder the further i got reading it! thank you for the laugh, i needed it! -
Funny schtuff
Dr. Suess gets real! -
Loathe, in a unique way
That one is a great write. I laughed through the whole thing. Keep writing like this. It awesome.
Edited on Dec 10, 3:38 p.m. because 'spelling'.
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