Wandering lust,
unity broken in trust
Anger and loathing,
my mouth rabidly foaming
Looking at you my stomach turns
acids boiling, my heart yearns
A view to your kill,
my heart yearns for such thrill
Seething disgust, root of an act
coiling snake, beware my attack
Ask me once, ask me twice I still say NO
dreaming I am of watching your ashes blow
A fool I am not to the leopard,
he who finds ways to devour the herd
Take this cordial turn of the head
off somewhere else I shall butter my bread
(c)2004
~Nikki~
Author notes
I went for choice number 6 mixed with a little sarcastic revenge! I started writing this before I realized I had the picture to go with it so this piece was NOT written to go with the picture!
Picture is titled Ask Me No More by Sir Lawrence Alma Tadema
Written December 9th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Celebrate with me in the darkness... by Basts Siren.
300 points, ended December 12, 2004, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I love it =) The picture you used is great, and I love the bitterness in your voice. I like your use of brief frases in this poem. I have not read the contest guidelines, but I really like this piece, and I hope you do well in the contest. You also have a very mature mastery of the English language, and I admire that. Nice title as well...
XoMysticFaithoX -
I like the preditor aspect you have incorperated into the revenge topic. Its ironic in the sense you are devouring them in spite of what has happened int he past yet involving emotionally for the need to inflict pain. Im not sure if that makes sense, sorry. Great job!
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Awesome... I liked pretty much all of it and I love the last line...
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Sacry butt! I sure wouldn't want to piss you off! Uff Dah! We do have those instincts within us to prey on predaters. The herd is too easy. LOL!
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*Sigh* I know that people are suppose to leave comments and critiques and such, but I dont know, I guess I leave the critiquing up to others. So I leave really only comments on poetry here. I thought this poem was great. And although people write about the same things, well, there's only so many things that people can write about. Whether it be love, hate, being lonely, etc..etc.. I doubt anyone wants to read a poem about how a little kid eats an apple or whatever. So I like the idea of this poem. Great job!!!
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haha fire... rabbit is a very strong critiquer almost to the point that he is an ass... i agree... and this poem is actually written well... i enjoyed reading it and dont worry bout wut rabbit says ^_^ good job!
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Awsome
this poem is great... i love the wording and use of phrases.... it makes me think of my ex bf..... and ya.... we wont get into that.... so keep up the good work and i hope to read more of your work...... Nessa -
blah...blah blah...omg...i've read this same poem 100 times tonight.
nice one, but really...like i said.
the same.
but at least im not CRITIQUING YOU INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION, like friggin rabbit ass hat there.
Im just saying ive heard this before.
good luck. dont follow, this white rabbit. piss off, asshat...your not a nice person. *points to above comment* -
4.4/10
Creativity: There's a lot missing from here. I feel you should be showing, not telling. 3/10
Innovation: You are still very much in your comfort zone. You aren't venturing out, so I cannot say this is innovative. 2/10
Technique: Lots of technique here, but you wield it like a sledgehammer. 6/10
Readability: My attention veered off a few times, but it was readable. 7/10
Emotionality: My heart felt like a stone. I don't think you communicated well to me. 4/10
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