I don’t trust happiness
But I know the bird bone of my wrist
And the feel of your calloused hands
Sliding across my hollow stomach.
I know your cracked lips
That scratch my neck like
My nails in this jaded dream
Where your breath
turns the air
into smoke.
And I could sing so much about pain
That you would think you knew her too,
Write it on your body with black
The way you string kisses on mine.
I will end this hope
Crush these wings
What was it to fly anyway-
A mirage? A hallucination?
How stupid I was to -smile-.
Author notes
i eat and then i don't eat.... this is how i feel when i fall back into old habits after i begin to recover (mentally and physically)
Written December 9th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- I want emotion! by Dragon Flame.
300 points, ended February 27, 2005, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
-
This poem was very creatively focused in your mind. Great flow and great stanza's. I really liked this one.
-
This I like as well... nice one, well done, rach
-
Thats a really great poem and I could also relate to it quite well. I like the way it flowed, and the words you used. The lines "I will end this hope
Crush these wings
What was it to fly anyway-
A mirage? A hallucination?
How stupid I was to smile. " were really strong and the ones I could probably relate most to. Anyway, keep up the amazing work. You are an amazing poet! -
First off, the background kicks, and so does the poem, I think it does match kind of wonderfully, I like the wording of the poem, and how you made it flow.
-
You done a great job with the images in this piece. It was really a joy to read. I also like the background who chose. It goes well with the poem. Thank you for entering my contest.
-
You take such a potentially beautiful encounter and paint it over in cloying black. I really admire how you humanized the encounter, peppering it with the imperfections we all have, the imperfections that make life interesting. The imperfections that spark imagination to gloss over them, to create the falsely beautiful things.
Elle
-
READ THIS POEM
Frailty was expressed...I feel frustrated by your brittle connection awaiting a snap...tortured waiting -
very nice.
'And I could sing so much about pain
That you would think you knew her too'
beauti.
-
Good lord this poem is awesome. It even sounds good when I read it aloud!! woo! lol fun. Nice flow. Amazing job.
-
I adore the background picture! I love this writing as well, its so good how your contrasted your body and naivity to his harsh touch and kisses, that pain is black and like his kisses you'll write upon him, I don't know what else to say other than this is absolutly beautiful, and one of my new favorites, I think this personifies my fear of love and why I run away from relationships sometims.
-
amazing- your imagry and wording are beautiful. Gr8 write well done
Crystal xxx -
bookmarked!
i concur with what everyone else has said, this poem hit so close to home i'm pretty much speechless, i owe you many praises for this one, i'm inspired, thanks for sharing!!! -
Loverly, loverly, loverly. Oh, and the background for this is my display picture on MSN messenger and the wallpaper for my Open Diary. Just thought I'd let ya in on that, my fellow FLB fanatic...
Like others who have already commented, I love the "bird bone wrist" imagery. It's striking and wonderful. But you knew that already... teehee!
Great, wonderful, fantabulous poem my dear. Sincerely loved it.
dangerous-angel
~Jessica~
Edited on Dec 14, 8:27 p.m. because 'I hate making typos...'. -
Oshhh eeeee woshh. I do so like it. Tres joli. C'est formidable. Very beautiful. It's wonderful. Boy, do I love French class. Yes sirree. Mrs. James is letting me play my guitar in there tomorrow. Mrs. James RULES. Yes. Well, I have a test first, so wish me luck, lol.
Sincerely, this is some of the best poetry on this site. Way to be. -
this was rather creative and it flowed extremly well your choice of words were awesome. This was very creatively written adn very well written too. You have a lot of talent, at least in this piece you show great talent. As for a title I was never any good with titles I usally just pick a line out of my poems or part of a line... but I really did like the idea someone had for BirdSong... I dunno why it does seem to fit though. Anyways great write.
-
ohhhh wow. fabulous poem. best lovey poem i've read in a long while, i can actually feel the intensity of this without trying, it just comes through. very powerful, amazing description. i'm impressed that you could tackle this subject without being in the least cliché, great work.
-toxy -
Well, I must say that I think it would be good to remain untitled. This piece was wonderfully done and I just love the use of words in it. Your imagery is great, and I love the way you describe the scenario. Of I can think of a title, I will tell you, but I think that this is too deep a poem to just have a simple title, and takes more than one reading and a review, so I will read it again later and get back to you after I think on it. Great job, I really enjoyed reading it.
-
thats one cool poem. I like the 'tell it like it is' feel to it. It cames it all the more apealing and interesting to read. It kind of confuses me tho, its like ahppy but sad at the same time. But yeah it draws you in, and i love the way it flows but not to obviously
keep writting
jade -
Wow, that's all I can say lol. This did have some awesome imagry.
-
GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!
I like the contradictions you use here, they are very artiiculate! -
holy schnikies... I bow to the wow of the megan... this is your best... ever... easily. I'm speachless. You are awesome... I envy you. I love you as well, though... merry christmas... I know how much you love it...
-
I must say that this was rather excellent..like Rabbit I was impressed by your willingness to push the envelope with unique and striking imagery (the bird bone image was my favorite, lol), and your emotional honesty was clear as any rivers running through the Appalachian Alps...exceedingly good flow and a nice flourish of an ending...this was a joy to read. Very nicely done!
-
if you really want a title i would say something like Birdsong...but i dunno, you mentioned a bird wrist and then singing about pain...this is an incredibly moving piece and i'm really impressed by your work. beautiful, poignant write, great job!
-
YOUR VOICE BELLOWS LIKE A MIGHTY SANDWICH CLEAVED INTO THE MOUNTAINSIDE...SOMEWHERE IN THE BADLANDS OF KENTUCKY'S WIDE PRAIRIES! mountain
SO ANYAWY THIS POEM SHINES FORTH LIKE TUNDRA BAZOOKAS BUT HEY DONT SHOOT ME! HEY! CAMERABOY! -pushes camera aside- -
A+
Im not ever going to get any body any kind of fame just becouse I said I liked them BUT I DO WISH SOMETIMES that I could I really liked this IT was absolutly wonderfull you have a talent and should not waste it I will not point out any week points not that there were many in fact few and I think if i did it would just obstruct the creative giant hideing inside. ok now I think ive praised you enough -
I have know clue what to call this ...
It is a wounderful poem though!
Keep up the great work!!!!!
Good luck with fining a title!
~no1special~ -
That's an amazing piece... your words are so beautiful. I think the ones that struck me the most were "But I know the bird bone of my wrist" just because of that image that stuck in my mind... somehow, a bird-girl, stuck to the ground because of broken wings, a broken heart.
Thanks for sharing this in the featured box... it's such a pretty poem. - sky -
as for a title: i would leave it untitled. or draw a line out of it. or give it a title that suggests little about it. "letter one" i would stray from giving it too personal a name (like anything about steven) as that will take away from its universal appeal. hopefully, youll find a title to match the beauty of this piece. ::loves::
-
wow. very deep and you dont sugarcoat anything- which makes it even more appealing. i especially like the last line- "How stupid i was to smile." most love poems go blah blah blah, you make me smile... not that there is anything wrong with that, but i liked yours for the fact it was the opposite. amazing!!
-
beyond words
wow! what imagery. what detail. what flawless beauty!
i love the continuity and the "cracked lips" and the wow. the words all mean so much. theres not anything this would be full without. i would suggest using a synonym for stupid, like foolish, but this is your piece, and not mine, though i wish i could lay claim to it. god, your work is so amazing. i love the feeling of loss--in only so few lines, you made me all of a sudden depressed, reminded me of how i miss my matthew, how awful things could be.
i wish your hurt is gone, love. it must be terrible to have spawned such a lovely, yet so cripplingly melancholy piece. ::hugs::
oh, sweetie. i reread this and my heart breaks over again. thank you for your beauty. -
7.4/10
Creativity: Good description, and you are a cut above the rest. WIth that said, you need just a touch more of subtlety. 7/10
Innovation: This was unique -- and I came across lots of originality. However, I don't think you are venturing out of your comfort zone. 6/10
Technique: Great word usage, and even more wonderful pacing. 8/10
Readability: My eyes just glided through. You had no problem keeping my attention. 8/10
Emotionality: I feel your pain. And that, of itself, is a wonderful achievement. 8/10 -
Bravo! I really liked this poem because it portrays the bitterness of the truth...so many poems are wishy-washy and all end happily ever after. Thank you for your honesty...excellent imagery! Great job and good luck in all you do!
Adding your comment:
1 - 32 of 32
36 old applause
