These tears are black and blue, as are the bruises created by you.
Author notes
First time I've ever tried a One-Line type thing like this..I quite enjoy it. And I hope I'm doing it right!
Written December 9th, 2004
A contest entry
- one liners (un paquebots) by fall into me.
400 points, ended December 16, 2004, 92 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Hey. A few months ago, you entered a one-liners contest. This is an official invitation to join my own one-liners contest under the contest title JoinThisContestOrI'llPutAMobHitOnYourWholeFamily. Hope to see you post something!-Curtis Meyer
PS Please feel free to read any/all poetry posted on this site by k-dense (myself). -
Very, very good-
david -
this makes good use of metaphor and in many respects, imagery. but, i feel that the way of the metaphorical image is being presented as a statement is detracting considerably from the impact. here's an idea that hit me as i read this:
black and blue tears--flowing bruises caused by your harsh words
anyway, just a thought. -
aweh, i'm sorry you had to be treated this way. But I think the way you actually relate to it, and its not just somthing you made up, made it better, then the Authors Questions/Comments really helped it
Great Work!
-Karen Sue-
Romans 8:28
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One liners usually hit the hardest with me because theys um up so much in so little and that is a good thing to be able to do, besides that they usually deal with fairly intense subjects as this one does.
I liked this but in this case the rhyme seems kind of awkward. I thought it might read better if you scrapped the rhyme,
These tears are black and blue as are the bruises you created
But that could just be me...
It's hard to rate one liners but this one certainly packs a punch and is one of the better ones I have seen. Good work here
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