Never trailed in on the soles of your winter-muddy sneakers. I
remember watching July race away in the background when
Never had last promised "I won't be back."
Well, never say never, Never, 'cause here you are
clear as the foul taste that rose up my throat when last we met.
Sometimes
everything's a test. stress lobbies a choke-hold, demands we gasp
for breath and we start to destruct
on love because love is the only thing left.
You could rip me apart and I could rip you apart and we
could lay torn apart and stare at the distance our
words have dragged us out
and "My, don't we hate well."
As days fastened time upon our bitterness we watch every form of "I'm
sorry" surface. We sew each other together
as Never lies
says "I'll leave you in peace now."
stupid us. how easy we need.
l-. (dec.3/04)
Author notes
critical comments requested.
=] (smile)
Written December 7th, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
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so good of you to stop over. your referance to the great tori amos was really just too too kind. (blush blush)
this was my writing out a stream-of-conscious/unconscious thoughts. i very much appreciate the thoughtful comments.
l-. -
I found this work through jaunty pill and I can see why he listed this work. I love this piece, honestly. The image of stress lobbying a choke hold is stunning. The rhythm is just lovely. I sense a stream of consciousness in this work. I love it because every line is not a word wasted.
I also loved the words, "As days fastened time upon our bitterness..." Good diction there with the word, fastened.
This piece also reminds me of Tori Amos' song, "Mother." I get that nostalgic sense of belonging we struggle against but so desperately need (though we try to ignore it) by the final stanzas of this work. I also loved the title of this work. The title hints to the reader what this piece's main theme is beautifully (although there are more possible themes).
I see this piece narrating a journey in a brash summer, a story which we've all experienced at least once. Love changing, perhaps dying out, but fingering us under the covers. Summer love, as I call it, still exists in less romantic forms, but it is still there. Ugh, I want to write more, but I don't have the time write now. I will try to come back later. -
Your poetry is really different... I'm not quite sure what to make of this. But I think I like it... I'll have to read it again. (My poor mind has been reeling since last night. I haven't been able to concentrate I had such a good time
)
I get what you mean about the Never part. That really caught my intrest. (I just reread it and now I get it!)
It's awesome! The last line really held my attention for quite some time.
The way you formatted this is really different and a little bit of a challenge for me to read. But I like it.
Great job!
~Sarah -
I sensed the volatile aspirations as they crawl to be noticed. It made me hurt, think, and then,...well, think some more.
Thank you for this brilliant prosaic. Loved it. -
you style is refreshing. a beautiful combination of contempory flair and elegant flow. it is as if the reader is preprogrammed with the knowledge of how to read this piece. and with its many complexities that is quite a feat. normally i hate repetition for it is seldom used correctly. but here, on its many instances, i am never left cringing for it seems perfectly blended. and i feel the piece is greatly strengthen by these lines.
i am just left without a word to say about this. there is nothing that i can distinguish in your poem that i feel needs attention for correction or improvement. your divisions seem a bit unorthodox but that is trivial for they accomplish everything they need to this way.
overall, i do not know what to say other than, an exceptional piece and i hope to read more for such an alluring poet as yourself.
-k m l -
This is a very wonderful piece that captures the type of relationship that many have. Love/hate is not a rare arrangement from what I can tell and I absolutely loved the lines "my don't we hate well" and "stupid us. how wasy we need". The rest were needed to supply detail but these two make the poem complete. I am impressed at the emotion and the strength of this work.
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critical comments.
shit.
that's too bad, because,
i don't have any suggestions. I love how you let yourself extend here in longer lines. the narrative voice is rivering. and the very linearity of it (with the searing emotion) holds me fixed on the spot.
damn, this is good.
i can't find any rythmically awkward spots.
final stanza - I'm
sorry" surface. We sew
fuckin' brilliant. -
So societal so personal yet so impersonal. Third stanza is by far my favourite. I love the allmost arrogant omnipresent view of this, rather naration thereof, really brings the piece together and makes it so creative. Wonderful work...I will continue to keep up with your work because your talent never ceases to amaze me
-Troi -
And I am glad you returned. Yes. My pictures can be very , Phew , I don't know...Probably why I liked them so much. As for this poem , I just love the tone and the way it's put into a complete set of lines , No fancy verse , No smug after-editing. Just a poem with a coiling hand. A piece of truth lodged gentle into the nectar of how things are , To be , Or in fold. It's dark , But what is dark?
Maybe that's not the right word for this....It reminds me so much of those days we capture an essence , A crumbling moment when we see things as they truly are. When a poem with this much life fills me , It gets put into my recommend reads list on my page. You will fit nicely there. You are on a list of some very introspective poetry. Isn't it great to be able to speak/write? So many people suffer with the pen , Needless to say I do as well , But mine is self inflicted.
Courageous work with bits and pieces of the things we try to put underneath. Some moments we can't hold back anymore....
Be well ,
james
Edited on Dec 11, 7:33 p.m. because ''. -
clear as the foul taste that rose up my throat when last we met.
WOWSERS... that's a line someone could choke on! I like it -
I think love and hate are only a hairs width from each other, or so I have heard. I've loved one too many times but don't believe I've ever hated, though I'm sure I could hate deeply. Need is an altogether different thing. I think this should have been longer, in other words, nosy as I am, I want to know more.
Desiree
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honest
Hello, Laurili. So nice to see your name in the box. It's been such a long time since I swung your way.
Last line is so pleasantly patronising: Stupid human. Pah, Pah. Shouldn't you know better? Can almost hear someone cackling behind it.
I'm curious as to why you left I on the first line - effect, I'm thinking?
'As days fastened time upon our biterness we watch...' - watched?
...and 'destruct on love' - that seems a little unclear to me, though that might be a dialect thing.
I'm being pernickity though... can't really think of much right now. -
V. interesting. I'm terribly sorry - I can't give criticism very well right now. I'm a bit tired. I *will* come back again. But I did want to let you know that, even if I've yet to grasp the idea, I enjoyed it.
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