If I changed your mind
Would the sky fall down
And swirl around your feet
Like a catacomb of stars
If you took my heart
Would the searing pain
Of all your past broken promises
Heal with time, just as they say.
If you could read my soul
Again just like the first time
Would you see someone new
Or would my true self, shine for you?
I miss being your star
The angelic light you craved
The wings that outspread
Across your pillow case.
I miss being your muse
Exotic mistress from the shadow
Stark blues and greens of my eyes
That you said made you brilliant.
But the crashing came and came again
And we drowned in nothing
But the salt of our tears
And gained only hopeless threats.
The crashing, the falling
Our love spiraled and twisted
And shattered like mirrors
Branding us lost forever.
Oh If I could change your mind
You could have my heart.
Together we could live
Forever
And our shattered wings would lift us up again.
Author notes
Written December 2nd, 2004
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I miss being your muse
Exotic mistress from the shadow
Stark blues and greens of my eyes
That you said made you brilliant
I forgot to mention, I really like this stanza.
It's strong in it's wording and captures
a very poetic image.
Sorry I didn't include it in my comment above.
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There are many good ideas that show themselves
in this poem, but to some extent, they are
bogged down by too many cliches, rendering
your creativity hidden.
But that doesn't mean this poem couldn't be
improved upon obviously or there would be
no point to my contest. I am here, afterall,
to provide small amounts of critical feedback
that I feel the author of the poem I am commenting
on can benefit from.
One of the problems that stands out to me
immediately is your use of words like
"angelic" and "tears" which are rather
overused.
This being a minor issue, as word changes
can be made at the drop of a hat. I personally
think this poem would work better with something
that adds a little more intensity to separate it from
the rest of the pack.
I've always enjoyed your work and respect you
dearly as a poet, but I'm on the fence about
this entry, yet I like it still, cause I know
there is a lot of potential living underneath
the surface. All it takes sometimes to get a poem
back on it's feet is a little direction. And
that's what I'm here to provide.
I can see from what you've written here that you've
already got a pretty good handle on stanza structure,
so we can skip that. But you do seem to have some
trouble when it comes to finding the right words to
use when trying to communicate a commonly used idea
with depth and innovation. Throughout words like
"pain" and other common hallmarks of teen angst are
present. It's not that you can't use words like the
ones that I have mentioned, it's that you must use
them in the right place. And in this poem, they are
used in a cliche manner.
I think I would like to see you take this and mix things
up a little. The story you're telling is engaging, but needs
another coat of paint before you take it fully out of the
garage. Small things like bad word choices and the use of
images that I see quite often, don't make this piece a bad
poem by a longshot, but it does mean that it could do with
some reworking.
Basically, to make this a little better all you would need
to do is replace some of those cliche words and maybe work
on making the piece feel more precise.
There is plenty of creativity here, it's all in putting
it to a good use that is the issue at hand. Sometimes when
writing a poem, bad decisions are made and that's what
editing is for. To help you work out the bad and bring out
the good.
I hope I've been of some help to you. If you
would like a more critical stanza by stanza
breakdown of the poem, let me know, but I think
the major problem is with the poems word choices
and some of the imagery, so that isn't necessarily
needed, but I am willing to do so if you would like.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
All the best,
James
Edited on May 05, 7:55 p.m. because ''. -
Oh wow. I never realized that. Thank you so much!
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And swirl around you feet
you're missing the R* in your*. all in all. i really enjoyed it.love the title. well penned.
Blu -
i'm at a loss for words--this one is something special. i really felt the hope and pain of a broken heart.
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I could hear this poem recited at the School of AMericas funeral procession or sumthin' it really rocks the midnite pains...
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Thank you very much for your wonderful comment. I really appreciated it and am pleased that you enjoyed it! That is my favorite line in the whole piece as well. I have had that line tucked away for just the right poem, and I hope that it fit as nicely in this one as I thought it did. Thank you once again!
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power in failing-relationship form. this was beautiful, i particularly liked,
The wings that outspread
Across your pillow case.
that was a really neat image, how you played the first concept across the other... or something. grateful i am.... -
Thank you for the lovely comment. I think my favorite line was the last one too
It was very nice of you to take the time to comment and read my piece. Thank you again!!
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Powerful piece with strong images. I think my favourite had to be the last line, so utterly moving. The flow was beautiful, much like the content.
Thank you so much for entering and take care.
Kate
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Thank you Megan ANd thank you for taking the time to comment and read
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Thank you Despair
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Wow..This was powerful. I loved it. The flow of your words, the loss of love, the pain. Beautiful!!
Despair
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wow, ravyen, this poem was really well crafted (heh, if i may say so myself
) i loved this, great work, ill have to check out some more of your writes! keep it up!
icy tears, megan
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