In the ashes of November
Lie the remnants of the day
Circumspection paints my sorrows
In multi-shades of grey
Plagued by indecision
Immediacy fades away
Withdrawing into my prison
There’s a little game I play
I look out my dirty window and
To myself I say:
I’m counting all the leaves
Still hanging on the trees
I’m counting every crow that flies
On Autumn’s dying breeze
I’m counting all the faces passing
Reflecting the face of fear
I’m counting all the times I’ve wished
I was any place but here
In the ashes of November
Lies a somber pall of loss
Sorrow shrouds me in a mantle
Far colder than the frost
Burdened by indecision
(and my unforgiven sins)
Hope is a bitter serenade
Carried on prevailing winds
...believe... they whisper to me
Believe...believe...(they beg)
I look out my dirty window
And to myself I say:
I’m counting all the leaves
Still hanging on the trees
I’m counting every crow that flies
On Autumn’s dying breeze
I’m counting all the faces passing
Reflecting the face of fear
I’m counting all the times I’ve wished
I was any place but here
My hopes are rusted trophies
Shelved on this prison's wall
I won't believe
I don't believe
I can't believe at all
Author notes
malkinpuss
new poem link: http://allpoetry.com/poem/5143257
Written November 29th, 2004
A contest entry
- † Blah... Blah... Contest... Blah... † by xox Juicebox xox.
400 points, ended March 5, 2006, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - November Rain. by Poetic Aphrodite.
300 points, ended April 12, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Tarnished~ by -Ink Artist-.
525 points, ended April 25, 2007, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - So You Think You Have Soul?? by Trixie08.
300 points, ended September 2, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - $1,000 in cash give away to the winner! ENTER NOW prewrites now allowed! by thelovesongwriter.
650 points, ended August 2, 2007, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Raven Contest: Uncovering Genius in the Written Word by Raven Contest.
14500 points, ended October 1, 2007, 53 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Did You Win a Trophy? by Nam.
1750 points, ended October 18, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm lost by XXAgedWithDespairXx.
1000 points, ended February 20, 39 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your oldest prewrite poems and my 20th contest by stargazer..
650 points, ended April 20, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 51 of 51
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"In the ashes of November" - you have an extra space between "of" and "November".
Other than that, a nice poem that you have written here.
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Nam
Thanks so much. I was so thrilled to win the silver and $60.00 in the Raven Contest! Blew my mind!
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Congratulations!!!
I read this poem a while ago before the Raven contest was over, and I was absolutely enthralled! You truly have a way with words! -
Congratulations on the silver trophy in the Raven contest! Wonderful poem.
PJ
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Congratulations on winning the silver trophy with this excellent piece of poetry. You surely deserved it.
Mercury Rising
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Just dropping by to congratulate you on this spectacular piece which has also secured a silver shiny in the recent Raven contest - very well done!
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This speaks to me of regrets great and small. Of things that one once wished they could change but now they aren't thought about at all. "Consuming" is a word that comes to mind. As the refrain comes again, there is certainly no hope to be found. Best to you with this remarkable write, Blue
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I can't say for sure (as it is a fairly close race) that this is the best piece that I have read for the contest so far, but it is definitely one of my favorites. The only change that I would suggest that you make is to replace "beg" with "pray" in the third to last stanza. (I have also been thinking about something to replace the word "faces" in "I’m counting all the faces passing..." so that it isn't so repetitive with the "face of fear" line that follows. So far I have struck out, but it really isn't that terrible anyway.)
I have to admit that as much as I like intellect, and as much as I am a sucker for flow, the pieces that combine the two mean more to me in the long run then even those where the author has excelled in one or the other, but not both. I appreciate this work as it fills my inner definitions of what poetry should be: refined, interesting, and emotional - with descriptive beat and soul.
On the negative side of things I can say that I wish you had included author's notes so that I could have an even greater appreciation of what you have accomplished. I don't understand why so many authors today rail against them.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
To me it could be a person who nearing the end of life and looking back at there regrets of life. It looks grey and gloomily, hindsight seems always to be clearer years later. I should of known or done more. WE as humans can relate to this life theme. For many of us carry some regret in our life. It feels very grey. Sometimes our memories is our prison. For some reason we can not let go of them. Some hurts and sorrows shall go with us to the grave. I think this write reflect those feeling in the reader. Good luck on the final round.
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First off, I really like the title of this poem as it set the greyness of the mood even before reading, but I was a little disappointed to find it no where within the lines of the work, although “ashes of November” was a good replacement. Following on from the title I think the first four lines start this piece off so captivatingly that I could not leave until I had finished reading the whole thing. The feeling of being trapped in a place where all seems grey and full of sorrow, plus the lack of hope of escaping from it is so evident throughout and it’s something that many readers will easily relate to because it’s expressed so clearly. The second stanza has a real musical feel to it in the indulgent thoughts of the subject, and repeating this as stanza four allows the musical feel to permeate the entire poem.
The area where I feel this poem lets itself down a little is in the rhyme and flow but as it could be considered as lyrics I think rhythm and flow would be dependent on the accompanying music. The rhyme for the most part is intact and works well and I think the few words that do not follow the pattern could easily be reworded. Again, the flow is there, though it varies in different areas of the work but as I have said, if this were put to music it could be that the music dictates the length of lines and the flow. What I could imagine is the last three lines being used as a fade out and the repetition of them would conclude the ‘song’ very well. The imagery used here is good but what is even better is the emotion which I personally feel is the strength of the work.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
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I like the at ease feeling that this poem resonates. I feel like everthing is greyed out as soon as you started reading this wonderful poem. The imagery and the rhyme scheme is superb!
Thanks for sharing and see you around.
~VIRGOAN~
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Virgoan
Thank you for your words, they truly made my day!
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Congratulations on your award, a wonderful write so deserving of this award,
Warm thoughts and thanks for sharing,
Love and Light
Frozentearz -
Magnificent monorhyming stanzas! The imagery in this piece is lovely and vibrant, even though the underlying tone is saddening. Well scripted poetic story with a wonderful flow. Thanks for your entry!
~Lori
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Thankyou for your beautiful entry, Bella
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h1ghlander, thanks so much i really appreciate your encouragement!!!
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a well deserved win my friend, excellent flow and rhyme, well done.
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Amazing
This is great!
I LOVED IT!!!
Good luck in my contest and thanks so much for entering!!!
Yours,
Cassie
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Pink Absinthe, thanks for taking the time to read my poem and to leave such an encouraging comment!!!!
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Thats a lot of applause! And rightly so. This is so inspiring, it was the title that actually caught my eye! It says so much for your poem. I love the idea of using November as a metaphor. I love how you formed the poem, is it any particular form? Your rhyme is very good, poping in when you least expect it. I love the images of ashes, and the fact that you elaborated it. Your imagry is brilliant, crows, rusted trophys! All very effective! Also, the way you quote yourself in the poem is cool adds a persona to it. The picture is a beautiful image of despair, and it only adds to the poem. This is a brilliant, well deserved write! Well done! You deserve justice in the contest!
~Absinthe -
I so very much appreciate you taking time to read and comment so encouragingly on my poem...thankyou, thank you thank you
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as my birthday falls in november- i have always liked it at least a little- now i apreciate it for everything you;ve written here. this is exquisite. and, as always, i love it. thank you for sharing such talent.
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Dream Dragonfly, wow, what can I say except thank you thank you thank you!
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Saskatchewan, I see. You don't find many people from this area on this site.
As for your poem, this was absolutely amazing. I am absolutely stunned at your talent with words and your amazingly powerful emotion. I'm going to bookmark this, as i'm sure I'll want to read it over many times over the ages.
You have an incredible talent... Never stop writing.
Dragonfly -
Exquisite!!!!
What a fantastic poem!! So well-written and so moving. You can feel the heaviness of soul in the narrator of the poem. You have such an outstanding way with imagery. Your images reach out and grab the reader. They pull the reader into the emotion of the poem.
Edited on Dec 22, 9:57 p.m. because ''. -
zt....Wow...thanks so much...actually I am thrilled because Joshua121 honoured me by putting music to it....man it was incredible...he really is amazing. Thanks again...your words...they made me feel wonderful!
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This was so amazing. It was like a song...it should BE a song! You covered the subject very well and gave us such bitter feelings of hopelessness. Your rhyme was so well done and the rhythm followed suit. Yay!
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beau2fulloser...thanks so much!
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great
this is such a great poem and it shows a lot of self expression. i love it, its sad but very beautiful!!!! -
Thanks bobanangel
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Great work I hope you do well in my contest
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Joshua121...Thank you ...the music you put to these words totally captured the feel of these words. You amazed me.
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most excellent work! i loved the flow and the way you put everything together. keep up the great work
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i really really reallyt love this. If you only knew how much i related to it today.
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No problem!
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Thanks for the comments aslanlight
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Really good poem and it makes me glad because I could be feeling like this but thankfully I don't.
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Thanks for the beautiful accolade Samantha Pain!
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Perfect. Heh trust me to enter a contest before looking at the competition! Oh well I will settle for second.
Very nicely written.
Samantha x -
Thanks YerTweetyness! Know that I use a lot of imagination when writing and that I don't feel the sadness that I am writing about...at least not these days!
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Most Excellent!
Wow, this poem is so sad. The thought of no longer believing scares me.Belief is what gets me through my low days.
Most excellent poem, malkinpuss.
Yertweetyness
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Gee Joshua121, thanks so much! You didn't spell exquisite wrong by the way and I wish I could hear the music you'd put to this...
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Thanks Balldinger...I luv yer discriptions!!!
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that is Frickin awesome. that would make such an awesome song. i love the ashes of november line and the chorus is exquisite (i think i spelled that wrong but oh well) reading makes me itch to put it to music. but you probably already have music for it. and if i did i wouldnt know how to play it for you. i really like it. very nicely penned. take care of yourself
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A magnificent outpouring of gray matter, through and through – built on mounds of loathing, fading hope, and self doubt. It has an excellent meter/counter meter that dances on ice like a metal-studded ballerina in Doc Martin boots waltzing on a glass panel. Nice work – made me feel cold. ~ EZB
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zara I always appreciate your imput. Thanks so much.
Edited on Nov 30, 4:57 p.m. because 'error'. -
In rhyming poems, I find myself looking for more regular rhythm that this poem offers, but that could be just me. This could be a song (probably is) and the way you would sing it isn't necessarily conveyed on the page. Your use of language is direct and natural and clear, and I appreciate that.
For me, the refrain is the most powerful part of this poem, filled with concrete imagery that for some reason conveys emotion better than description of the emotion itself. I have yet to figure out why that works, but it does. "Counting all the leaves still hanging..." yeah, who hasn't done that? In lines like that, the reader becomes the poem. Good stuff.
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Thanks for your comment shadowofasoul
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Hey pozo... thanks so much
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Wow, this is an amazing poem which I liked a lot, fantastically written and very powerful
This was a great poem, keep writing because I loved it
All the best,
Pozo
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lovely, absolutely. what are the odds that i was feeling the same?
"I’m counting all the times I’ve wished
I was any place but here"
yep
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