Shall I ride the
storm?
Softly whispering
death waits for
no man
To the hearts of
hearts
Shall I ride the
storm?
Waiting for you
to hear my heart
drowning in blood
Like a thief in the night
Lurking through the bushes
You swallowed everything
Leaving me standing
Naked as the day I was born
Can you hear me?
Crying over you
as you walked out of my life
Into the devils door
Or will I ride the storm with you
In a drunken state of mind
weeping
Author notes
Edit version of -Bluebird~Squeal
Written November 26th, 2004
A contest entry
- Winners that Didn't Win/Poems that should have won, but didn't. by -thepoorepoet-.
400 points, ended August 22, 2005, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quickie *2 ~ Dark...3 more entries please by Unsigned.
450 points, ended July 12, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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30 word writes only sorry far too many....
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Thank you for gracious comment and liking my poem. Kendhal22
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Poems that are unfinished are masterpieces, it gives the reader room to create an image inside of them of what they think the poem is about. This is a wonderful piece, I liked the revision but I actually liked the first version better solely b/c it was "unfinished" Great poem and good luck in the contest!
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I will replace my lines. Thank you. Kedhal22
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I agree with Poetprncess. Although the idea is great and the words are not swimming in being trite, it would help to replace small lines with powerful words so it would keep it truly poetic. However, it is still pretty good.
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Thank you for entering my contest. good luck
~`Eireanne -
This an edit version of the Boweski's Blue-Bird Squeal. I like his style of writing. He only gives you just enough for more in his squeals to want more. Kendhal22
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wonderful! I love the lines you chose--they hold so much power to me, as subtle as they are. It feels a bit unfinished, but then, I leave poems like that all the time, so I guess I'm not one to complain. This is a great poem, keep writing and best of luck!
~Kelsey -
This would be my revision:
Should I ride this storm
of Soft whispers
when death waits
for no man?
Or ride the shores
to wait for you
as I drowned
in your blood's rush?
Like a thief of night
you lurk in the weeds,
swallowing everything
whole, leaving me stranded,
standing naked,
as the day I was born;
dressed in fresh flesh,
feeling vulnerable.
Did you hear me
cry over you
as you walked out
of my life
and through the devils door
where I ride the storm
with you. A drunken
state of mind...
and us both weeping.
The issues I consider during my attempt to revise this as I would my own...
1. I felt broken down into stanza makes a much easier cleaner read and allows positioned pauses to help the reader consider the images and emotions that create a deeper underlying meaning.
2. I have omitted some various lines and/or word phrases (such as heart of hearts...and attempted to replace them with substituted words to enhance the sonics, using alliteration in various places and inner rhymes that bounce off in both meaning and in sound.
3. The ending, I felt needed a more stronger punch to make the journey of the poem worth the trip.
Other issues I had wanted to draw more on the subject of the poem...comparing her/him to death, as opposed to mentioning death and then not follow through with a purpose.
To bring more significance to the title I would have omitted the title from the body, but chose to keep it to hold that first stanza's meaning.
Although, I did feel this poem had many strong points and was just as worthy as it was, it's part of the contest to critique and revise...
Best regards and respect, Liz
Edited on Dec 03, 5:21 because ''.
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