farm incidents

“Family senility is hereditary Billy”
that's what my dad told once told me.
I knew it was true -that was why he kept calling me Billy
when my name is Gregory
"My uncle used to call me Gregory" he went on to say
(even though his name was Derrick )
I was named Gregory in his uncle's honour
now he has reached uncle's age
dad insisted on carrying that torch.

He’d often sit in his old folks home reminiscing
thinking about all the family memories
He'd tell me the strangest stories – we also had good times
He taught me why bullfrogs farted, why aunty was moody
And all about the PMS.

I remember my uncle’s kids weren’t all there either.
They’ve done some interesting things – which I would have
Killed to be a part of! Yup they sure were stupid.

the farm incident by far was my favourite story.
He’d always start off by saying:
“Now Billy, listen good – you’ll only hear this once.”
But I always heard it twice.

We grew up on the farm – some called it the backwoods,
Call it what you will, we called it home.
After a crazy party amongst the farmers,
Cousin Daryl would run about trying to get the crops going
Andrew always forgot he was supposed to get rid of manure
But he’d always load manure instead of the hay...

Dangerously enough, I remember Jimmy trying to read
The instructions on how to drive the tractor.
He would always say "Repeat steps one thru drunk as required."

Jimmy wasn’t the strongest branch in our family tree
His greatest moment had to be the time he took the tractor out at night
He wanted to prove to our neighbours (our greatest rivals)
that he could win a race – the specifics:
couple of kilometres across the lake - in the end of winter
over melting ice and snow

now any one can plainly see he’s an idiot
my dad even said jimmy was the family idiot
but who knew that Jimmy’s last words would be:
"Yep, this tractor goes from 0-10 in 2 minutes."

now my dad told me the funeral was held lakeside
a few minutes after the tractor went through the ice.
ironically enough as he pastor was saying his last words
Jimmy's head popped up out of the water
the inbreeds thought it was a miracle!
that was until they saw it was JUST the head.

dad doesn’t like talking about the rest of the family
and it was strictly forbidden to ever speak of the farm
but now If I ever run a tractor, in Jimmy's memory,
I’m ma do it drunk just like our family leaders
and then go find a bullfrog!