22 November 2004 -- My Journal
In the dirt, so many bodies. The blasts deafen me more and more. The smoke... thick as fog. Unbelievable... to be here.... to do this........... and watch my friends fall one at a time.
desert sand . . .
a spent grenade, a lizard
and a purple heart
I found this letter to someone's girlfriend. Tattered and torn..... the ink faded. Yet, it could only be a couple days old. Everything ages so fast here. Except the dead. Apparently, this guy was supposed to get married..... "My dearest Ann...life without you is nothing.... I must tell you how lucky I am to be alive... I yearn for our time together in the days to come. In the peace I fight for, we'll raise our children, buy our houses and grow old together. It's our destiny... our....."
shredded
in a single blast . . .
dreams
What a sad thing..... War. And yet...... I know it's worth it. God, you should hear the blasts in the distance. Echoes of death. I know I'm not gonna make it back. I also know we're doing the right thing.... and.... well.... I'm dying for an amazing cause... to create peace in a country torn. Maybe it's something only warriors understand. Create war.... peace is the result. The blasts rumble nearby.........
the bugle plays
a familiar song . . .
land of the free
Author notes
A haibun is a journal... a style of poetry that doesn't have the wording of form poetry and yet it is form in and of itself. In this case, a soldier that eventually dies is the voice except where I write the haiku and tanka. Haibun is a journal plus haiku... it doesn't necessarily use correct grammatical form and can be narrative in feel and nature. It is not prose in a way either and yet borders it.
Lets say..... it is like a diary entry. Casual yet directional. Sometimes people draw a figure in their diary and that is kind of what the haiku do in haibun. They don't necessarily reiterate what you have written but rather add a new demension to what has been written.
Short and sweet..... a diary with haiku. In this case I also used a tanka.
take care and enjoy,
Don
Written November 23rd, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Your best work by LoveDrug.
300 points, ended August 13, 2005, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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AMAZING!!!!
WOW! Don, I felt like I was reading first hand as events happened! I could hear the bomb blasts and feel the debre falling around me. The bugle has a lonely sound for me. They played the bugle (taps) at my brothers funarul when I was little. It always makes me cry, I'm 45 and it still has that affect on me. This was excellent as always my dear. ~Laura
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I take from this you can also use tanka as a form reagarding the last line. This style lends itself well to this war diary. It makes the words move, perhaps the way a young soldeir woould think and move in the midst of caos.
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Sorry... must have forgotten to place it in my comments.... ugh... oh well..... thanks for commenting and sponsoring the contest.
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Good write
This is really different, and I can appreciate that since the world we live in is so conformist in and of itself. At first I wasn't sure I'd like it though, just because natural reactions tell us to reject the unfamiliar, however, this piece is proof that to stand out is a good thing. (Not that I really ever thought otherwise.) The ending is sad, and yet, with or without meaning to, you leave the reader with hope. Or maybe just me. . . In your author's note you didn't say whose poem you commented on, so I'll look for that, though that WAS a contest rule. . . Well great write anyway, and good luck! -
Hey thanks Red.... good to see you drop by. Yep, I think you should venture into a few haibun. I kind of bend the principles a bit... adding tanka etc.... but love the style in general.
Take care friend,
Don -
Thanks Kerry..... hope you are doing well and will be back in class soon. Take care in the meantime.
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My pleasure Pat.... I'm tickled to think this poem meant so much. thanks a bunch....
Don
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After reading this poem I was inspired to write something...
This reminded me of the Tomb of The Unkown in Arlington.
allpoetry.com/Poem/911014
Thank you for the inspiration.
Regards
Pat -
Hey D, I never heard of Haibun before - I don't know much about certain structures of poetry - but I like this, I thought it told a poignant story. I always appreciate a good tear-provoking poem, being the sad-ass that I am! I often wonder how soldiers feel...this gives me insight into that process. Powerful. Hope ya had a great T-Day!
Luv ya,
Kerry
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Dang Daddy, I have read this and been by here more than once, and each time, I thought I already commented on this but i guess being the nerd that I am... I haven't
As always this is very touching. I love you mostest! and I hope everything went wonderful yesterday on Thanksgiving 
MUAH 
---Sara
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Simply powerful and thought provoking as well Don. I do love this form, I should play with it again myself. Great write.
Red -
very good
I'm impressed. I wouldn't ever write something like this, but it is very good. You said here when you meant hear in the first line of the last prose stanza. -
I like the changes. You're welcome for the comment.
Love you,
~Amanda~
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Hi kid.... thanks for reading. Sorry about the tears. I've re-written it some. You may want to take a look. The part just before the last tanka has been edited. Still working on this one.... probably will for years to come.
Luv ya. -
Brilliant
Excellent work, dearest Monkie ... You used almost visuals here, so vivid these words. Shockingly so ... Awesomely so ... Perfected - yet soooooo sad.
Myra -
Right on
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Stu.... that is an excellent comment and I agree with you about haibun length. It's a joural style poem that really shouldn't be too involved. Well, at least in my opinion...lol. Thanks again.
Don -
excellent
I know I'll have to gnaw on this for awhile because there is a lot of meat on that bone. This is a fine pice of work and I think the double note/double death really adds flavor. I have noticed in reading the haibun of others that some are extremely short and some go on page after page. Yours here and Andrew's the other day seem to me to be about the best length (if "best" is the right word.) Long enough to entrap, envelope and entertain the reader, but not so long as to confuse him/her with too much movement, too many images. Why shoot a squirrel with a shotgun when a 22 rifle kills him just as dead and leaves something for supper. The haibun was great, I hope more follow. Thanks. Stu -
You made me cry with this one. It's so sad, yet beautiful. I'll be praying for your grandsons safe return as well.
~Amanda~
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thy words raise within those tears.
yet leaving one asking the question...
why?
I remember the vietnam war.
I was lucky and missed the war by 6 months.
yet some of my friends weren't.
and some of my relatives were not as well.
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill -
Thanks Don, this was a great learning experience, I like the idea of two streams of consciousness that intertwine. I Pray your grandson returns safely.
Mike -
Yeah Rabid... I was drafted during Nam. Jumped over to the Air Force Academy in Special Services. My brother served in the Army in Turkey.... my Dad the Army.... etc. My grandson is on the way to Iraq in two weeks.
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It's not me writing this. It is a note left in battle. The soldier is not a poet... he is a soldier jotting down memos.... and sending letters to the family. I didn't want to overwrite this and make a soldier read like Chaucer.
Thanks for the comment. This is a very particular style that is journal oriented and not poetry oriented. But, the haiku in it and the tanka.... now those are supposed to be excellent and skilled writing because that is the poets interjection in this case.
I created a combination where I, the poet, and he the soldier both wrote some of this haibun. Generally it wouldn't be that way. But I though I would give this an interesting twist. Maybe it didn't work?
Thanks for reading.
Don -
Thanks Andrew. You've come back with an incredible tanka for this as well. You are truly a modern master of the tanka.... and that's a fact.
In this story, both soldiers are dead...... the second killed while reading the tattered not of the first one. We don't know who is reading the second soldier's note...... just that it was also left behind unfinished.... sort of like it is when the war is over.... unfinished for a long time. But the story goes on to hint at the peace now present and that in this case, the war is over. Thanks for reading.
Don -
wow this was powerful and poignant so sad that those dreams will never be fulfilled. excellent writing which fitted in so well with the letter, but what is a haibun? a loan bugle should be a lone bugle
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Great haibun Don, I like the format of the prose, it give a feel of uncertainty....who's next?.....me?
The kus not just emphasise, but illuminate the prose to a wonderful level.
I'm really learning to appreaciate the haibun, (though I'm still very green at writting them), an reading yours are a good incentive to continue.
Wonderful work,
his dream
trapped in
the sand
which slips through
all our fingers
Andrew -
marginal
i kinda liked the description parts. I also like the story feel to it. other than that it was marginal. its easy to say of things that happen, your telling me it is unbelievable to kill, that is bland, describe and vivid detail, not to just tell about the things -
Wow! Don! Where did this come from? I love the format you used and the story woven into poetic prose, a sad story, but one so true. This was gutwrenching to say the least. A very stunning grasp of a soldier's nightmare; lives lived, lost, and changed forever. You have incredible empathy and I can see that you can walk in another's shoes. I only wish more of us could do so. We'd certainly view things in a new light instead of getting bogged down with closed minds. There is so much more to war than what we know. Understanding is key, and many soldiers are fighting for what they believe is right, still dreaming of a future that might never materialize when blood spills and all that is left is a letter packed with belief and dreams. This goes so well with my "Dear Soldier" write which has captured its own bit of controversy, when all I was trying to do was empathize. My son is over there, and two dear cousins. They are good people, loving people, and they have dreams too. Thank you so much for putting a new face on desert sands and M-16s. We need a more rounded view, and you provided that with such gravity, it hurts. (((HUGS))) to you, Don! You deserve them! Love, hope and peace!--Kel
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It is so very sad when we must go to war no matter what the cause. But when we fail to stand up for what we feel is right or when we turn a blind eye to the wrongs of this world are we any better than those who commit them?
My heart goes out to all the famlies who have men and women in the military and mostly for the ones who will never return. It gives a different meaning to Thanksgiving...
Excellent write...
Regards
Pat -
definately very descriptive. it put me right in the place and my imagination was swept away. reading this with veteran's day being not so far away in the past, its all still ringing in my mind... i don't know if you've ever been in the service or not, but i think you've done everyone a favor by presenting this angle. good work,.
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hey thats brilliant, fantastic. really original, tells a sad story with such description.
Edited on Nov 25, 9:46 because ''. -
This really bowled me over. It read like an anti-war poem, but I reread the last stanza several times and actually ended up seeing it as an affirmation that this war is right. It seemed to be past tense, as if projected into the future when the fighting is over and Iraq is finally "a land of peace". May that day come soon. So much death, but nothing new for mankind.
Very powerful writing. Thank you.
Mark -
Don, the haiku's and the tanka summarize the texts so well, it seems that the texts were written for both forms and not the other way around.
A music plays here, soft Brazilian music, and the first thing that came into my mind as I finished reading your poem was, how sad it must be to when the sound of bullets and bombs are the last sound to be heard, ever.
Excellent write!
Kisses,
Mari
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Thanks for the comment.
Don
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Thanks so much for the wonderful comment. I appreciate it.
Don
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Wow! I am speechless. To simply say that I admire your talent is an understatement, but what else can be said. If I had no admiration or respect for your talent, I wouldn't have faith in you as a teacher, nor would I be a willing participant in your haiku class. This is truly stunning. The imagery created here will not be quickly washed away and forgotten. Very nicely done Don.
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SADTALEWARISHELL
Sad indictment of reality ..the Illusion of peace yet many fight for Oil supremecy..and many precious souls die in vain whilst generals and a President plot control through democracy
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