Come browse our men’s collection
Of intimate attire;
Specially fitted hosiery
To suit a man’s desire.
For pantyhose with access,
For those who need a fly,
Relieving in a hurry?
Give our Pants Away a try.
A sportsman on your Christmas list?
Perhaps our Catch/Release
Arrayed in fishnet colors
They're very 'shore' to please.
Christmas Ho Ho Hosiery
That comes in reds and greens
Our latest line? Try Q Balls,
For hefty, buxom Queens.
For softer endzone landings,
Our Touch Down paddings do -
What?! … all your tough equipment
Forgot to pad for you?
For patriotic troops who keep
Their flag poles tucked in tight
Behind their country’s colors –
Blue, red and NOW in white.
Or try the Hunt and Pecker,
For your weary webbing friends,
Whose every waking second
On connection speed depends.
For naturalists we have a style.
We call it Nature’s Buff.
It features rugged outsides
But inside? – powder puffs!
What to buy that special man?
A gift with room to grow!
He'll shed a tear when he unwraps
The gift of panty hose.
There’s the Boa Constrictor
For those over eighteen.
Our Out Aware is rainbow-ized
For Maine-ly, manly dreams.
Fly Me to the Moon? – sold out
Doc’s Orders? – running low
Prescriptive Pleasures? – tax exempt,
To help your platelets flow.
Romantics like the cod piece
In our armored Fly By Knights.
For jester suits, we even have
Our lineless Thigh Thee Tights
We see a growing market
For those who have been pierced
With snagless satin linings
For those who just look fierce.
Our excess stock of Bobbit’s Pride
Still sits upon the shelf.
It features special pockets
For your stocking stuffing elf.
For athletes with that certain itch,
We’ll even add a salve.
We’ll custom pack a pair for you
To soothe that scratch you have.
So email us your order.
Send measurements please, too.
(Perhaps we’ll send our tailor/maid
To specially tail for you).
This, our red light special,
For ladies you must meet
Leaning on a lamppost
On the corner of the street -
Tiptoe Temptress Ho - siery,
(We have non-latex too,
With germicidal properties)
“Zee vot ve do fur vous?”
Our Deli-Wear, our Midnight Snack,
Our special PR Tease -
For those who advertise the gift
That hangs below their knees.
Jubilant Ex Pressions.
Polo fan? Try Pony’s Pride.
Nascar man? Our special straps
Will hold you safe inside.
Gotta hide your money clip?
Our simple Tuck A Way --
We promise all your precious jewels,
Once stashed, will safely stay.
Do send us teste-moan-ials
We’ll publish them for you
And give a two-fer discount
if you send us pictures too.
Happiest of Holidays!
Depend upon this Gift
To hold the joys of full support
That gives us all a lift.
Author notes
coming soon to a store near you
(eat your heart out, Joe Namath!)
Written November 21st, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- What cha sellin by kjack.
500 points, ended December 7, 2004, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 49 of 49
-
A must-read!!
Very, very, very good! Lol...definitely one to go down in poetic history as priceless!
This has it all ~ regular rhythm, a good rhyme, inventiveness, originality ~ oh, and humour, humour and more humour!! Well done indeed, poet! Bravo!
-
Don't know what to say. Wasn't expecting this so early in the morning.
-
Wow what more can be said about this piece, such humour in abundance always going to catch me. To carry a poem of such length and not have the reader turning off take a talented poet indeed. I read and loved every word. But as I said humour is always a winner with me, and many other readers Excellent
-
LMAO...panty hose for men eh
What about the one with the rolled up sock stuck to the front? The Fake Bulge I betcha a lot of research was put into something like this...must have been drooling, er i mean grueling Bravo! Here's the clap!
-
lmao
Hmmm.Gams for guys! I want the biggie size.
I just want to know two things. Is that a 12 on Leo's shirt. And it that in inches or centimeters?
I never thought frolicking through men's underwear could be so much fun! That is, without them in it.
~Michelle~
-
This was incredibly hilarious! It captures of advertisement perfectly! Although some of it didn't make sense, I enjoyed the flowing rhyme. Next time, however, try to make it shorter.
-
WOW!
I'm amazed at the selection! I mean, you provide for all! LOL!
Original, witty and packed with oh-so-clever play on words... I'm thinking this is one of the best pieces of yours I've read.
LOVED IT!
Kyla -
Congratulations of winning the silver trophy, very amusing and muchly enjoyed
Kat xxx -
I am so glad that you entered this in my contest. It fits in there just perfectly. I have already commented on it before, so I am thrilled to read it again. Good luck to you in the contest.
becca
-
hee hee, that was great. I haven't laughed so hard in ages! Fantastic stuff!
-
Wowzers!
You're amazing! ROFLMAO! This is the funniest poem thing I've seen in a very long time! Thank you so much for sharing your work. Please accept my applause! -
excellent
This is priceless. You are a genius. I actually laughed out loud, and I don't do that often just from reading a poem. Wonderful work. -
OK, this is brilliant!!! My, my just how do you think of all this stuff? You are fast becoming a favorite for me to read! Usually when I see a long poem, I don't read it... BUT YOURS...... I just HAD to finish! Hilarious! ***Smiles*** ~Melissa
-
Freaken awsome... it was so funny..I would like to know where I can find this at?I know a few guys that could really use it. lol...hahahaha Keep up the great work
-
Hehe, I have a few guys in mind who I'd send the catalogue on to. This was hilarious. Certainly not your run of the mill xmas poem.
Incredibly amusing write ~Susan~ -
lmao i loved it! it was hilarious!! And I'm with Debracey.. where n HOW can i get tha catalogue! hehe
-
OMG, I gotta catch my breath. I almost peed myself from laughing so hard. What an imagination to come up with all of that. My poor little feeble mind couldn't have come up with the first stanza. This is truly a Holiday Gem. I will bookmark it for sure so I can come back and read it over and over. The meter on this was impeccable. They just don't get better than this one. Too funny for words.
becca
-
Beck,
'tis the season afterall... or so they tell us. One has to do something if one is not out joining the mash of crazed shoppers on Black Friday, eh?
Thanks for sharing your smile.
Jane
Edited on Nov 26, 7:49 because ''. -
YEAH YOU HAVE CHEERED ME UP!! I love a good funny poem and this is a good funny poem!!
Also you have rhymed really well so I wasnt stumbling over a faulty rhyme scheme or reading too fast/ too slow.
This is just right and I understand why you've featured it.
you've brought a smile to my day and for that I thank you!!
Beck
-
Step right up, Christmas obviously has your name on it! I loved this, this will atleast make me smile when caught in the crush this year. I am certainly not giving my wife "Bobbit's Pride" this year and might cancel on the knives too.
This is great!
David -
This was hysterical! Where did you come up with such an extraordinarily amusing concept? I never would have thought something like this up? I don't think I've read any other poems on here that have made me laugh quite like this. Great write! I was sure amused! Good luck in the contest.
-
sooo glad to hear this brought you laughter, illusionist. It was such fun to write, this almost feels like cheating to hear of the fun it brought to you.
Thanks.
-
THIS IS AMAZINGLY FUNNY!
I loved the great rhyming and subtley suggestive theming, it was unbeatable! I was actually laughing out loud when I read this, and my friend on the phone thought I'd gone momentarily insane. -
Uummm where can I get the catalogue? Absolutely brilliant, loved it- DB
-
eyes aglow in the infernal christmas tree lights, the young girl pulses with excitement, barely able to contain her anticipatory frenzy. She licks her plump little lips and her eyes widen when she reveals the Christmas package for which she has waited all year. BOING
-
good write..made me laugh ..the picture is wow..lol..keep up the good work, good luck in ur contest..
-
this is simply hilarious
where did you get the idea
i laughed all the way through it
you should get a trophy for this
breat write
-
Need I ask which mind is which?
-
Actually, after looking at the picture oneluckygirl, I was thinking what a great way for a man to finally get blood flowing to the right head... I guess this is how you were able to get such good ideas from leo huh?
-
... and now, leo and I get to argue over which is which, right? What great fun this could be!!!
-
This is absolutely hilarious. What a great collaberation you two. It's amazing what one great mind and one warp and twisted mind can come up with.
I wish you both the best of luck in the contest. 
-
Why thank you, Invisible Man. Coming from you, THAT is QUITE a compliment. lol
-
Leo told me about this piece and he was right, it is definitely hilarious! What an incredible amount of work you put into this! Sheesh...it would take me YEARS to think up all this zany/kinky stuff. you are REALLY warped oneluckygirl.... GREAT job!
-
What a wild and wacky crazy wonderful imagination you have!
Thank you for this entry!
Yertweetyness
-
Very funny and very creative! I liked the suggestions you two gave here, and Leo's pic is hilarious!
Mari
-
Aww absolutely love this collaboration. You make a wonderful writing team and this write is very clever. Designed to make the reader smile.
Red -
Brilliant!!!
This is HILARIOUS!! gave me a good laugh all the way through, its all so very plausible with trends the way they are today! your rhyming is absolutely great, poem has good flow all the way through, couldnt stop reading, this is a "must" for all ladies who need cheering up.. you have left nothing out, I dont know how you were able to come up with all the ideas you have, you would do well as a PR in some classy fashion house!
way to go girl, a great piece of writing.
~Katie~
well done!!
~katie~
-
Wow this was incredibly funny. I loved the way i laughed all the way through it. Great job!
-
OMG! Is that Leo in that picture This is so funny. Thank you for writing this...I needed the "lift" this morning
~Lyrical
-
Wow, that was great... and nice and long so it kept me laughing I needed a laugh, thanks !
Bookmarking .... -
Anything but pants!
roflmao.
Ouch! just got tangled up in these old-fashioned things...
Do Fly By Knights come in small sizes?
Laughing, laughing, laughing...
Thanks for making the world a little brighter. -
Hah that's fantastic! It kinda pisses me off that there's so much pressure on women to wear tiny things that are actually really bad for you to wear and very uncomfortable, when men can just wear what they like. Great poem, I'm bookmarking it!
-
hahahahahaha. I'll take a pair of hunt and pecker please I tought that looked like Leo. lol. Or at least the one piccy I saw of him and it is. This brought big sunday giggles. Big.
Desiree
-
This is REALLY REALLY funny stuff here! Not that often i come across something that makes me laugh the way that this one did...so you scored a direct hit...because i could not stop chuckling. This is very well done! I just love it...now where can i get the catalog????? hahahahaha
UB
-
You just have to love a man who can wear mantihose....I mean pantihose. This one needs one of those full makeovers though. I think it has some serious problems.
The poem itself is so very funny and gave me some wonderful ideas for Christmas...if I can wait that long. Kudos to you and Leo.
Cheryl
Cheers!!
-
wondering if we shouldn't add an appropriate bow to Leo's package? Maybe with a sprig of festive holly? lol
-
Now, don't you go all modest on me, Leo. You know you are entirely to blame for the creation of this!
-
Hilarious
oh! wow that was so clever... you would make hell of a PR for some fashion house Talk about "Tickling the fancy" Wonderful stuff to get us in the xmas mood
-
This is so outrageously funny. I had to stop laughing before I could type. Who is that guy? Where did this come from? Your sense of humor never fails to put a smile on my face.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
Adding your comment:
1 - 49 of 49
23 old applause
