She sat up on the mountain top and stared out at the sky
Hugged her knees and relished in the beauty there on high
A panoramic image of the Smokey Mountain view
Paradise danced before her in the tranquil sky of blue
She felt his breath upon her neck and turned to see him there
An older man with wrinkled skin and balding grayish hair
No backpack and no walking stick, no shred of hiking gear
She turned back toward the scenery and wondered why he's here
She puffed on her last cigarette exhaling all the smoke
The stranger stood beside her then suddenly he spoke
"Pardon miss, If I may, I'd surely like to learn
"why there's a tear upon your cheek" he said with much concern
She stared out at the sunset and the skyline hue bouquet
She whispered softly in the wind 'it takes my breath away"
He nodded in agreement, then touched her hand and said
"Take a glimpse behind you, don't live in whats ahead
There's all of this and so much more - right in your own backyard
you just can't see it hidden there with eyes so blue and scarred"
She closed her eyes and took a breath of august mountain air
The evening breeze caressed her face and drifted through her hair
She thought for a long moment at the strangers bold cliche
Then stared at the horizon and the colorful display
She turned her head to face the man who had spoken so profound
Then glanced in all directions, he was nowhere to be found
Just then she watched an eagle as it spread its wings to fly
Souring proud and free in the summer southern sky
She pondered for a moment more what this drifter said today
Then took a breath and closed her eyes and bowed her head to pray
And later in the evening under flickering starlight
She whispered in the wind to the angel in the night
Author notes
Written November 14th, 2004
A contest entry
- Trophy Poems - Round 7: Finals by Claide.
300 points, ended November 16, 2004, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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BEAUTIFUL AN D HEARTFELT POEM
The was simply amazing. It was such a joy to read. You are an awesome writer. Take care, Sandy
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Beautifully written
Oh! The mystique of the mountains. The beauty is awesome and more pure than many places on earth. It is no wonder they inspire spiritual experiences. I agree with Claide; your poem is very well written with good cadence and rhyme. The story also flows easily. I do have one suggestion, however. I would change the words, "the man who had spoken so profound" to "the man whose words were so profound." What do you think?
Edited on Dec 04, 11:28 p.m. because ''. -
again a great write. you seem to like spiritual writings.
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You made it to the finals for a reason, you earned it and then some. This was another amazing write. SO lyrical and spiritual. My favorite kind of read. Breath taking and beautiful.
Sam
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Lovely and wistful. So true about everything being in your own back yard if you have the eyes to see it.
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This poem deserved what it recieved! What I've noticed most of you, compared to any in the tournament, is that your writing is most "consistant". Before I even click on your entry with the mindset of judging, I can almost completely count on the fact that it "can't" hurt you much because everything you write holds so much strength (poetically). Poetic device is there, rhyme and meter is usually decent... How can you score someone low with that! Unless it's poorly worded (which yours never is), you can't
. Hence, despite the end of this, your performance here has been wonderful.
Now, for this poem.
Poetic Device(s) - Personification! Loved it. You pen some of the greatest personification I know.
'The evening breeze caressed her face and drifted through her hair' mmm.
Form - Rhyme was pleasant and rhythm wasn't offending.
I'd say this poem had a potential of about 9.5 (due to originality) and minute rhythm details may have taken those tiny bits away... But besides that, this was phenominal.
Great write - Carry on
!
Claide
"Where there is life, there is hope" -
Spendid I'm teling you!!! And a poem I certainly needed to read at this time in my life. Your are such a wonderful poet, and i believe everone on this site would stand in agreement.
and much love, Jacki
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