Silvery rays piercing through squinty trees
Reflect birth of dawn in the sleepy lake
Life is reborn with the breath of cool breeze
Fresh zephyr hurrys water to awake.
Waves wake to tango with glittering sheen
Birds soar above, somersaulting in glee
The ducks quack, can’t resist delight umpteen
Chicks yelling from nests, want to join in spree.
Toad sat in quietude, praying for prey
Wavy waves rush to embrace shore for sure
Fish hopping and swaggering in array
Leaves waving and resonating galore.
Mindset clicks many snaps at every blink,
When I think of nature, in bliss I sink.
~~~~~
Author notes
This is my first sonnet… (English-Shakesperian)10syllables each line(though not written in iambic pentameter),
I wrote this for genielassie’s rhyme class for the last assignment… the class has been great… I gained so much knowledge from it… I'm very thankful to genielassie for her valuable time she devoted towards enriching me with the knowledge that no money can buy…
Thank you genielassie for the corrections... I'm pretty bad when it comes to syllable count...
Written November 10th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Sonnets and Haikus by seriea89.
300 points, ended August 21, 2005, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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Wonderful Write!!!
Well Done.!!! The title is very attractive (always of high importance) Your heartfelt feelings blossom on the flowery branches of your poem. The images are very pretty and memorable. I really enjoyed reading your poem and thanks for sharing with us.
Would you mind reading one of my poems http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/3342726 (somehow it’s special for me) I would appreciate your comments.
~Vernal Bloom~
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Hey Mina!
This is a splendid write!
Full of vivid images.
Very well done!
Harrisham Minhas
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You're syllables are off in some places, but that really doesn't detract from the overall form too much, so I would be a pain in the ass for that The third stanza, I dont like the placement of the little alliterations you put in there, that didnt really click for me. For some reason I also dont like the word "umpteen" Thanks for entering the contest, I like the style of your writing, keep at it!
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Living Passion, this is the first encouraging comment of the day... lol... thank you very much...
mina -
Great job! Yes, the sonnet should be Iambic... BUT you did a great job without it! Wonderful piece. God bless
~Stefani~ -
Haha... I never thought of that... thanx for solving my misery... cos my dictionary shows two syllables...
mina -
The line you speak of is only 10 syllables. the word "cruel" can be read as one syllable or two.
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Thanx a lot... I think I've corrected the past into present in couple of lines...
mina -
I don't really care about whether or not you stick closely to iambic pentamenter as long as the poem is readable, and this is. You have a typo here:
Silvery rays piercing through squinty trees
Reflects birth of dawn in the sleepy lake
rays are plural so Reflects should be reflect.
You also have changed tense in this from present in the first stanza to past in the last stanza. I suspect you might want to fix those things before the contest is over.
Otherwise, good job. -
momofkaleb, thanx for pointing out... I've corrected those errors... entering this contest has been very advantageous to me; learning point of view... comments from "jthserra" are also so useful and have encouraged to move on to the next step that's to write in iambic... i'm already giving a try... I feel the sonnets are the most difficult form of poetry... if it's written in a prpoer format... I've also started analsying shakespeare's sonnets to get a feel of iamibic... English being my second language, iambic doesn't come naturally.... I've a dictionary that tells me soft and harsh emphasis on the multi syllable words but it doesn't explain about the mono syllable words... can the mono syllable words be used either soft or harsh?
While reading Shakespear's sonnet No1...I got stuck on this line ... as you're more experianced could you please shed light on this ... to me it seems 11 syllables...
ThySELF thy FOE, to thy SWEET self TOO cruEL...
thanx a lot...
mina -
Thank you for entering the contest! When I wrote my first sonnet, I knew about the rhyming but didn't know about the syllable count or the iambic pentameter. Whoops... oh well, like I say I'm learning. I like the picture you've drawn here with your writing. I also like your use of alliteration. It is such a simple element to include in writing, and in my opinion, makes the poem that much more enjoyable.
So, just a few critiques:
It seems in line 4, you have 11 syllables, and in line 13, I only counted 9 syllables. -
Jim, I can't thank you enough for taking time to go through my sonnet... English's not my first language, therefore Iambic doesn't come naturally.... wish there was gadget to scan a poem for iambic meter and then one can amend it to suit... I know the theory side of it but to imply it practically it becoms hard... though it's my wish to learn to write in iambic... thanx for the encouragement... your suggestions still won't make it fully iambic... so I'll leave it as it is... but I'll appreciate if you could let me have a formula if any, so I can apply before I start writing a sonnet in future...
mina
Edited on Apr 21, 7:29 because ''. -
a nice first sonnet
Beyond syllable count, the sonnet is written in iambic pentameter and while a few breaks in the meter is typically acceptable if needed to help the poem flow, to many breaks in meter can break the poem. To explain in more detail I'll show you in your poem. In iambic pentameter, the 10 syllables are divided into 5 iambic feet (iambic is two syllables with the first unstressed followed by a second stressed syllable)
For example: "the RAIN in SPAIN falls MAIN - ly ON the PLAIN." Read that line several times and hear the stressed words (all caps) and the unstressed words as they form a rhythm. ta DAH ta DAH ta DAH ta DAH ta DAH. This is the meter you want to work towards in sonnets.
When I scan your poem, here is how the stresses fall:
"Sil-VER -ry RAYS PIERC-ing through SQUIN-ty TREES"
Re-FLECTS BIRTH of DAWN in the SLEEP-y LAKE
LIFE is re-BORN with the BREATH of cool BREEZE
Fresh ZEPH-yr HURR-y-ing WA-ter to a-WAKE."
To work your poem toward iambic pentameter you could make a few changes in work choice and usage. Line 1 could change from
Sil-VER -ry RAYS PIERC-ing through SQUIN-ty TREES"
to
"Sil-VER -ry RAYS that PIERCe through SQUIN-ty TREES"
"Silvery rays that pierce through squinty trees"
"Re-FLECTS BIRTH of DAWN in the SLEEP-y LAKE
to
"Re-FLECTS the BIRTH of DAWN in SLEEP-y LAKE"
"Reflects the birth of dawn in sleepy lake"
"when LIFE is BORN with COOL-ing BREATH of BREEZE"
"When life is born with cooling breath of breeze"
"Fresh ZEPH-yr HURR-y-ing WA-ter to a-WAKE"
to
"Fresh ZEPH-yr HURR-ys WA-ter WIDE a-WAKE"
"Fresh zehpyr hurrys water wide awake"
Your first stanza could become:
"Silvery rays that pierce through squinty trees
Reflects the birth of dawn in sleepy lake
When life is born with cooling breath of breeze
Fresh zehpyr hurrys water wide awake"
Read that stanza out loud and listen to the rhythm of the stresses: ta DAH ta DAH ta DAH ta DAH ta DAH. That is iambic pentameter... the hard part of the sonnet.
Your poem presents some beautiful imagery and for a first sonnet it came out nicely, following the correct rhyme scheme and syllable count. Now you need to work on meter (the hard part).
jim : ) -
Thanx a lot... I'm glad you liked it... yeah its a matter of prefference...I think I'll go with you on this one... and shall change "Quack Quack" to Quack...
mina -
I think you should write more of these. The imagery is breathtaking. Yeah, it's not iambic but you cover up for it with delightful wording.
But I think two 'quacks' was not necessary. When you say something like 'THE DUCK SAID, "QUACK QUACK" ', it's fine. In that case, you're quoting the duck. . But when you're simply referring to their sound, it's only one 'quack'. Perhaps you could put one 'THE' before duck or delight instead of the extra quack.
Anyway, it's your decision.
Great job..thanks for givin' me the link! It was a delightful read! -
Pari, you know you're the best on nature and generally... and I'm chuffed that you liked this one...that means a lot to me... yep... genielassie is very good teacher... after the class my outlook has changed altogather... I feel I've improved... thanx once again...
mina -
lovely
This paints a lovely and intricate picture I love the words and descriptions you have used.
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I find it very difficult to write sonnets. You have succeeded in your first attempt to capture the scene, the sights and the sounds of the dawn at the lake side in a sonnet. Thanks for spreading the bliss.
krishna -
The imagery is superb. "The squinty trees" in the very first line set everything up so well. I also liked the "toads praying for prey". Al in all a very nice sonnet.
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i like the way u talk abt the sun pierceing throuhg the canopy tree with sundden wind that bliss, n the wave of wave the cool the fish in the ..... all the part u gave with a deep expression are quiet perfect i like ur writing u must be a famous ..
abdul -
wonderful
Gosh that was probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Most people write about emotions, past loves, or such. But its kind of refreshing to hear an artpeice about nature. I tried a nature piece once and it turned into a girl I was very fond of that was IN a nature scene. But this was definately enjoyed and you should be very proud of yourself for writing something with this much beauty and intensity. I'm glad to see others enjoyed this as well or else I would have to snarf at people for being so cold and heartless. This poem made me feel warm , almost like I had just taken a bath. This poem was extrodinary, especially your descriptions and imagery. I hope you realise your talent as a poet and the beauty of your work, and the affect your words have on others. I hope you understand how much I enjoyed this exeptional piece.
- Melissa -
This was a very pretty poem. I liked the rhyming in it. Great work! Keep it up and have a great day! Love and peace!
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beautiful
You did an excellent job with this and should be proud. I enjoyed reading this emensly. It gives to me a pleasant picture of how nature is at it's best. Nature anywhere is so beautiful that it is ultimately breath taking. Keep up the good work.
Rebekah
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this is a really nice poem. I like the breezy air it has, almost a silky sound if thats possible. The picture goes really well. I love the trees, they look relly pritty. the titel is good too. It describes the feeling of the poem well. some poems have good sounding titels that leave you disapointed in the poem, but your titel doesn't make you expect more then you get, or expect less then the poem deserves. titel makes a big difference sometimes and this one is good. keep up the good work.
Bowie of the knife and spear. -
Great poem, shows lots of skill! Enjoyed reading it!
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superb
an enticing piece of how adorned nature makes us feel....
you give an excellent illustration of the sonnet and form
be proud of this piece, you have mastered the starlet image
in a difficult form.
Tamara
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How lovely. I simply have to get busy learning some of these forms. Sonnets and Villanelles are on my list. This is a beautiful tribute to nature.
~Lyrical
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wow, mina nagi, this was a quality sonnet. I admire your skills at writing them, for the first time too! I don't think I could catch the idea of how to write them... I've tried, but mine come out crap.
Anyway! Wonderfully done, beautiful images painted in my mind. Thank you for sharing this, I think I'm inspired to attempt a sonnet some time in my life now. Share again!!!
~Gothic Rose -
Enchanting
This poem is busy with many images and sounds, it was indeed fun to read. The rhyming is very nice, and I'm going to let the meter be as it is. "Chicks yelling from nests" makes it so lively, an active world which is not communicated in this peaceful photo.
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what an excellent sonnet!! its really good and it flows so well. The imagery in this poem is amazing, i feel as if i'm almost there myself, with the trees waving, the ducks quacking, it really is very good and happy!! the nature element in the poem portrays your love for it and makes the poem work very well. Excellent work. keep writing!!
esme xx -
Oh, I don't have students anymore! That was way back when I used to teach. Now, I just stay at home.
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I enjoyed this poem a lot, especially how there were many unusual words and juxtapositions such as "resonating galore". Keep up the good work!
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Thank you neha... I'm glad you liked it...
mina -
Cheryl, that'll be nice if you could read this to your students and let me know their response...lol... thanx so much for liking it...
mina
Edited on Nov 10, 6:38 p.m. because 'typo'. -
wow! im so suprised..sonnets seem so difficult but great job!
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I am so sorry I had to drop from this class. This is such a fun piece. I smiled all the way through it. I am reminded of the type of poems I would read to my students when I read to them in sixth grade. They liked it read to them, rather than having to read it. I liked the sounds you used. Very very nice.
Cheryl
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Words fail me
mina i enjoyed this a lot!!! its such a wonderful write..like this entire scene is alive in front of me and i can hear the ducklings go quack quack and see the sun rays find their way through the tree leaves..the rays that they leave are indeed amazingly beautiful to watch..and so r ur words amazingly soothing to read...immense enjoyment calm n serenity is reflected in ur words...thanks for such a wonderful write...it was a pleasure -
Outstanding!
I like the discipline of the form and the fact that you still had fun with it. Because you had fun, the reader had fun. This poem wears a smile, and give a smile. Excellent! -
Congratulations with the end of the class mina! You did close it with a golden key!!! This poem is so beautiful that I even didn't bother to count the syllables...how could one syllable more or less spoil such a lovely poem? Not for me it wouldn't
It is very pleasant read, thanks!
Kisses and love,
Mari
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THEWATERYAIR
Beautiful flow of words , great images and sounds , the reader has travelled through a wonderful place of peace and serenity
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