I remember the first eyelash flicker of you
I do
Two pairs of eyes
joined at the iris
across a Bacardi-breeze
freeze-framed bar
of empty glass-fragile lives
Our pupils learning a foreign body's
body language
The frown above your smile
spoke volumes to me
from your unauthorised biography
I replied
with my practised Princess Di
lowered eyes
as you held your pose just long enough
for my memory to capture
that polaroid moment
of a stylised me
you
us
lust
Three years on we meet again
finding ourselves
in that exact frozen moment
Your eyes started to close
as the shutters came down
I smiled
and they drew right back
But I saw right through
No soul in you
Author notes
Written November 8th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- show me some love by Trueloveneverdies.
300 points, ended October 5, 2005, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love by Abstract Image.
400 points, ended May 11, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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Spoken from a true heart of love. The eyes are an amazing thing to me...they're actually the first thing i see when it comes to people...first i notice on Ash...GL
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Eyes are very powerful tools...perhaps the most powerful of any other part of us, including the spoken language...we can see things in people's eyes...we can see in them and like you said unfortunately, sometimes through them...but if it weren't possible to see people through their eyes, what kind of world would we live in...we'd be amongst many many lies...
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Some people just have more bravery than others. Such as looking at someone else through the eyes. When you think about it, you can actually be the one that puts the other's eyes down first by staring the longest. Sometimes I'm like that, but then sometimes I'm not. Beautiful piece.
Abby Eyeball
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i liked it but i dont see how it is bridget jones' style? nice work though! i've been reading your stuff... i like it [not trying to kiss up... i'm actually not going to enter your contest cuz i don't know exactly how to write in her style]
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really good poem, worth the click to read
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Fantastic
That was a really great poem, I really like how the mood changes in last verse, because it's qute unexpected, I like this poem alot, good job -
that is a beautiful poem- i feel like that when i look in the mirror- selfish ya- but it fits- though i love the poem- it rings so true- keep on writing- this is my favorite line
Your blinds were down to shield your pain
I smiled
They drew right back
But I could see right through -
No soul in you
i love the honesty-keep on writing -
Luv it!!!!!
This is a great write! I really enjoyed reading it! You get a great point across, I love the way you phrase things. My favorite lines are:
"from your unauthorised biography
I replied
with my practised Princess Di "
Beautiful! Loved this! Keep up the good work, I want to read more!!!! -
Great poem, very good imagery, I did not expect the ending. Makes one wonder what pain could cause there to be no soul. Disturbing but in a sad sense, enjoyed this piece very much
Tammy -
great poem, definitly worth the click to read it. I enjoyed reading this alot
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excellent
Good poem expressing much truth....Good words that you used saying so much.....Attraction is physical....love is in the soul. Seems you got it.......just remember that moment in time. Good poem and thanks for the memory.
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this was really good. the rhythm was amazing, and the phrasing of words. I really liked the idea of freezing that moment which was (for you,or the persona) long enough to have even an inkling of a meaning, and perhaps short enough for the moment to seem unreal. great imagery too. wow, i love this poem.
Keep writing
Kannika -
wonderful
this is a great write...i love the imagery of Princess Di's eyes.. everyone can see the depth of her eyes, and it was a good use... awesome job.. keep writing.. -
well written
I like this. its different. Very creative. Keep up the good work. -
wow!
i read this once and went back to read it slowly.
i did not expect the ending i found which, strangely, made the poem even better! too much imagery for my senses this early in my morning
i applaud thee -
This is great, and the spelling is correct. (not that you needed me to tell you that)
An excellent read.
Sam
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KlassyLassy thank you so much for you comments. Very kind. I am English and in England we do not spell words with a "z" so my spellings are correct. I am very fussy about spelling! It's the same as "colour" and "color" etc. I just checked and it's the same with "practiced" it seems to be OK in USA English but not English English - it you see what I mean! Thanks again for you kind comments.
Edited on Nov 12, 2:02 because ''. -
Fantastic
While reading this, the imagery was so vivid that I felt as if I were watching a movie. The last stanza is particulary powerful, leaving the feeling of wasted time and hollow lives and consequent pain. An excellent poem. The only thing I might suggest is to check your spelling. I think "unauthorized" and "stylized" are the correct spellings for these two words. "Practiced" may be spelled either way. -
This poem spoke to me, as if i was the one you were looking at (or through). Sometimes i feel as if i have no soul then i get all empty and bleh... Anyway, i really liked this poem and i hope to read more of your work in the future.
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I am sorry I clicked twice
I shall return the points
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I like your repetition of words while using them differently!! This is very effective in this poem!! great job
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Amazing..
Wow.. I'm speechless. This is truely amazing, and greatly written. The imagery is great and I loved it. I love the structure and the last line made as perfect as can be! Well done for writting such a wonderful piece of work, and best of luck in the contest, you deserve to get far with a piece like this submitted. Once again, well done.
Much love, kati x -
a good poem, eye contact, i thought that was an extreme sport with javelins
laughing at the comment here about sullying the name of princess di, i thought your use there was a nice touch as everyone knows her look.
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nice poem
very sad -
You can jus imagine every moment in this poem , i know exactly how it feels to feel this way and you describe it so well and it a really good poem. gr8
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Wow, very imaginative poem, you know what I thought was going on in that poem. You don't really but oh well, I got the impression yeah that ermm you see this guy and you crushed on each other lots. But he is married and nothing happens between the two of you. Making you both upset I know I'm wrong but I enjoyed building up my own little story. Liked it much. Peace <3
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Thanks Beck! I've had such terrible writer's block and had lots of problems in my life, so I guess my mind didn't have any room for a poem to pop into!
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This is brilliant and I love the last line and also the bacardi-breeze freeze-frame.
Fantastic.
One of your best for ages and nothing I can pick at for not being just right.
This is brilliant!
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Ouch! Love the last line!! Excellent poem. Good luck! Patricia
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good
I found this disturbing well written and a good read .No soul in you got me -
What a well written poem. I love the lines:
"with my practised Princess Di"
and
"The frown above your smile"
well done. I've been there before, and you've done exactly what a poet should do-put it into words.
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Excellent
Had this mental image of a box brownie camera, with a slow shutter... frame by frame you walked us through this rendevous. A study of life (still life) Nicely expressed
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Awesome
Wow, that was amazing! Brilliant! I love the imagery and the greatness of this piece. It sounds so personal and lovely, and you can capture moments very well, either that, or make up a scenario where someone caught that moment! GREAT JOB!
/f Jaylynn -
How dare you sully the name Of Diana, Princess of Wales. You use her name to describe your own common sluttery. I am deeply offended by this piece and I hope you will remove the reference and replace it with something more fitting. Please preserve the name of the true Queen of Hearts. I do not mean to offend but I am angry here.
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I HEART IT!!!!!!=D
Hooded eyes...that sounded really cool. ^_^
If you have AIM feel free to IM me sometime, sCrEaMoRoCkEr23
~Liz~ -
Hey,
This was really awesome..i love how it captured the style of the bar..and how memories are so important..single moments in time..can just change everything. Looking into someones eyes reveals alot about a person. Sometimes there eyes are filled w/ pain ..or love..or sometimes their eyes are cold and empty! This was beautifully written.. I love how you captured and portrayed everything perfectly!! Wicked awesome write..keep rocking it..later
lyl
~Jenn~ -
Hi Lou. What a wonderful critique! And, as usual, you are spot on with your interpretation of what I was trying to do. The rhymed ends and beginnings of lines I have been working on - it's a Dylan Thomas thing, he did that a lot. Also I was particularly pleased with the two examples of wordplay you singled out. We must be on the same wavelength (poor you
) Don't all women do that coy look she mastered so well? Not that it's ultimately got me very far! Still single :-(
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Brilliant Jane! A cleverly written and well though out piece, methinks.
I love the plays on words that you have used throughout this….
such as… “Our pupils learning” and “volumes… from your unauthorised biography”
I also like the way you have rhymed ends and beginnings of lines in the first stanza, with…
“…Bacardi-breeze
freeze-framed bar”
and
“a foreign body's
body language”
A wonderfully evocative and personal poem… I enjoyed it very much.
~ Lou
P.S. You don’t really do that Princess Di thing do you??
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this was fabulous... i loved the wording and the feelings you gave in it... i loved the concept and the flow, it was so deeply touching... eyes are wonderful thanks so much for sharing!!
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Mmmm...I really enjoyed this one...it had just the right amount of poignant memory and sizzling sardonic barbs to make this a delicious treat for the eyes, lol. That last stanza was wonderfully crafted...with excellent visuals running throughout the entire piece. Honestly, this had some fabulous moments in it and I gulped it down in one greedy swallow!
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oh wow.. this is interesting and very different! i like the freeze-frame moment... you described it very very well... i could picture the eyes, sticking out above all else... and the hiding... no soul inside. i think that last bit was my favorite because of that... to see so much about a person just through their eyes. love it!
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liked this muchly... a carved out moment highlighted against the dark background of the bar. Says something about relationships, memory, and the particulars of a moment within a nicely packaged metaphorical frame.
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wow, that was wonderful, love the style and just the way you tell it and the words you chose, sorry, my critiques are crap! but I loved it.x
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Great Write This is really a stylized piece of poetry! And I love the ending. It seems like this is no bum, yet not a keeper either...
Abby Eyeball
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