just beat me with a stick and call it love
it'll hurt just the same
breathless, tied up between concepts
choking on thoughts
that don't go down as easily
as a heroin induced sweat
just stab me with your needle
inject it deep within my heart
short of breath, tied to the tank
choking on oxygen that's only half pure
it'll go down smoother
once the stuffing of air called "words"
is jammed right in there
totally slap me with empty thoughts
unvalidated ideals
gasping, restrained by dreams
hurling on emotions
tied down to the hospital bed
vehemently seizuring about
sleep induced and hung for the night
cuddling sweet thoughts and echoed whispers
streaking through the nightmares
waking up to the ropes, to the med sheets
stuffing "reasons" in my face
suffocating the last of my will
--^--^--^--^_
as the respirator's displaced.....
Author notes
quick photo note: taken and altered by yours truly- but not my arms and hands obviously
I just couldnt fight the image of being taken away into a mental hospital. driven crazy by my own hand. A lot of bed fighting...just too much. Lunacey...lonely What an amazing concept. {pats herself on the back}
In a list
A contest entry
- Look losers before you get eatin by a fat dude by Classified Memories.
500 points, ended April 9, 2006, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - One Day: Real Love by Nicole Hanna.
300 points, ended June 27, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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15 lines or less
I realize some people will overlook that when they see the contest accepts pre-writes. If you can edit this down, let me know when you do. But thank you for entering. It was still a very nice poem to read.
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wow this is some write....the uniqueness in it is great...just beat me with a stick in call it love...as the respirator displaced....lines go together I notice....you have a way with words....are is it that words have a way with you...lol...don't mean to over-flatter ya...
lol...but I'm thinking you like that and already know all this stuff so Imma just end this comment like always with much love from me...
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LOL I just might! just kidding. just can't get enough of justs!
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Seems like I read this a few months ago. Sorry to waste your points. I Still don't like "totally"
It's needs to be tighten up a bit.
example:
(just) take "just" out. -beat me with a (stick)
how about cane? stick sounds cliche.
-and call it love
it'll hurt just the same
breathless, tied up between concepts
choking on thoughts
would flow better:
bonded between concepts
breathless, choking on thoughts.
that don't go down as easily
as a heroin induced sweat
- that last line is realy nice..
All in all, I think this is an exellent write, just needs some work.
you can beat me with a cane if you think I'm full of shit.
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Great imagery, some of the lines in here are classics!
"beat me with a stick and call it love",
"as a heroin induced sweat",
"totally slap me with empty thoughts"
they really help to keep the poem flowing and follow the same theme of writing, right through.
Very nice! I really enjoyed this. -
Very well written with great imagery. I don't find "totally" to be out place in the slightest. I guess, these days, it's viewed as slang; however, it means "completely", but with that meaning adds a punch to the line and poem. Very well written.
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I really like the idea of being beaten with a love stick
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This is very refreshing, a new viewpoint and totally unique. Alot of emotions here
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Woah..this was very good, so much emotion. I really loved it all, I'm speechless. Great job, and best of luck to you.
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well there goes the lot of the work! lol. Thanks for your comment. BTW anything new in your writing?
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Yes, it would fit the contest bill for "strange". But wouldn't you know that I once worked on a psyche ward in a hospital and saw all your images first hand, thus taking off the strangeness for me. Not to mention I've known some characters who would "beat you with a stick and call it love."
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typos are gone long gone!
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Wowzers! Reading this, it's easy to imagine one's mind going in a thousand directions at once... and nowhere at all at the same time. The imagery in this is outstanding! I love the flow... and had not a bit of problem with hte "totally slap me.... " part. It seems right to me. Keep up the good works!
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please correct your type-o's other than that i liked the essence of this poem, i recieved it well and I can appreciate it's message, great job!! Check out my work and you'll see I know pain, loneliness, everything except freedom!!
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totally doesn't fit.
(totally) slap me with empty thoughts
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what's "girl interrupted"? and what exatcly doesnt fit? I'd like to tinker...
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Creative. The thought of mental hospitals is one young people often find interesting, I did when I was much younger. Having flirted with institutions for many years as a teen. But as interesting as girl interrupted makes it out to be, it's far from reality. The worst side effects of meds can be a walk in the park if we put hospital and pills side by side. I also found the word totally, totally out of place.
Other than that, this poem gave me a chill down my spine. Good stuff. -
Thought this was really original. Liked the first stanza especially, had a reall nice flow and some great images. Only problem i have is with the 'totally' in the third stanza - juxtaposed with all that amazing imagery it seems kinda banal. It might be just me but it conjures up images of alicia silverstone in 'clueless'....maybe something like 'slap me senseless with empty thoughts????' Anyway...good write, i'll try to check out some of your other stuff
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Awesome work!
You've inspired me to enter the contest...
but I cna't now cuz mum's kicking me off the puter...
grrr...
if anyone in the ontario area needs a roommate... without a job...
im me *g*
Phrozen -
This poem was well thought out and very personal like, although I hope it wasnt you you were writing about! Well I enjoyed reading it
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nice description!!!!! I understand what you mean, very well written!!!! keep it up!!!!!
Gem~chan -
ah i thought i removed chocking! lol! thanks for noticing that haha im such a dork sometimes. anyways i want to change the font but then i'll lose the background hehe...
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I had a difficult time reading this because of the font color and background both being so dark--my first suggestion to you would to be to lighten your font color so that others won't have to highlight or otherwise strain their eyesight to see.
Secondly, I caught a spelling error--"chocking" should be choking.
Outside of those two things, this poem is quite intriguing--I especially identify well with your opening line, "beat me with a stick and call it love". (I've gone through that process what seems like a countless amount of times.) Most of us think that with every new relationship there will be more happiness and less pain--and while that might be the truth at times, it is not always so. Emotional abuse can render the mind to thinking that such treatment (like being yelled at, ignored, slapped around, etc.) is normal and that it's all you really deserve--and while you know in your mind and heart that you are worthy of better, you often are inclined to stay with such a person because you don't want to think they don't care about you.
I feel this poem quite deeply. A very good literary work.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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fix those typos! there's so many i'm gonna chock to death on 'em!
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I really like this. Your images are some to be reckoned with. Oh yes....mental hospitals can be quite fun , NOT. Been there. Done that. But I do like your sick , Almost twisted , Sense of humor. Your images bleed with force and beauty all at the same time. Some of the words tingle with anticipation and begging to be though about...Especially that ending. Stellar. I also love the way you've twirled and roped all the images together , Almost like you're watching an unfolding of relevance right from the diary of an escaped hospital patient. Really strange and really good. I liked this one muchly.
love to you ,
james
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very good
I like it. I really do, and i think its a great write! and I love the backgroung! Only thing i would suggest is a lighter text color. i had a lil trouble reading it. but hey thats just me, its ur poem, a good one too, so do with it whatever you want -
Gosh, this was great! The wording, images, and overall tone of the piece was exceptional. (Although, love isn't supposed to hurt some much... It's loving the wrong people that'll do it) What a great perspective, and clearly something that you poured your heart into. I truly enjoyed, thanks.
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