When I was a child,
I would lie in my bed,
look up at the night sky through my window
and pray to a God I was certain was listening.
When I was a child,
I couldn’t see despair.
The bus driver, cop, businessman,
the white-haired lady in the cafeteria,
the man who climbed up the telephone pole -
they were all perfectly happy.
They didn’t want to be rich or famous.
“God was in his heaven
and all was right with the world.”
But then,
even the most cynical and world-weary adult
can forget his worries for a moment,
smile and speak kindly to a child.
A child can’t hurt us.
It’s other adults we don’t trust.
Time passed and, inevitably,
I saw the realities of this world.
War, pestilence, famine, death.
I became aware
of what adults are capable of doing to each other.
My trust in God
and my willingness to accept the fantasy
in a world that replenishes disappointment
every day
has been a constant battle ever since
Sometimes still, I wonder
how to separate His hand
from an imagination fed by despair.
The disillusionment has been so deep,
I have refused to allow another life
to enter this world through me
and have felt disgust for those who do.
I sometimes remember
the faith that child had,
the child I was,
and I say the prayer again,
but they are only words now,
only words.
There is an old adage,
"We see things as we are, not as they are."
But the jury is still out on that one.
Maybe the difficulty of staying sane in this world,
is one of the reasons people continue
to marry and have children.
They find someone who represents all they have lost,
someone who protects them or needs to be protected.
They shut the door and create their own world
even as the horror and madness outside
cracks their windows and rattles their walls.
But you have reminded me
that goodness does exist.
Goodness, forbearance, selflessness,
kindness, charity, compassion -
they’re all alive in you.
So I made you my world
and gave up on the real one.
And when my brother died
after twenty years of addiction,
after eight years in prison,
after the drugs had destroyed
the blonde-haired boy
I played baseball with in the street;
after he had become someone
I hardly recognized;
after seeing my mother and father
utterly devastated;
after months of anger at God,
at my brother and myself
for not trying harder,
and anger at the world in general;
I knelt in a church
and prayed for his soul.
I didn’t know what else to do
so I prayed
just in case it was all true.
The minister came over to speak with me.
We talked about many things.
He asked me if I had lost faith in God.
Holding back tears, I told him yes.
He put his hand on my shoulder and said,
“You mustn’t lose faith, son.
God has a plan. You must trust Him.”
I almost laughed.
I almost
laughed.
I have faith in you.
Author notes
Written November 5th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- To the depth and breadth of your soul! by Mozaic.
300 points, ended November 10, 2004, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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This was....amazing. I honestly loved this. It shows raw emotion that so many are afraid to show. They put on a front for their family and friends every day, and it's really sad to live a lie. I loved your honesty. Thanks vey much for entering, and best of luck!
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WOW...WOW.
You've been through alot.
You know... hmm- I'm almost afraid to say anything...
Mark, I wish you knew God like I do. -
"Have the faith of but a mustard seed and you shall move mountains"...or something like that.
I get nervous too when I post something that leaves my emotions gaping open, like this did for you. I'm sure glad you did. It's quite a piece. -
not bad
Your cheering section has pretty much said it all. Intriguing write. -
Ah jeez, here I am talking to you about being positive and you happen to pick one of my downer poems to read. haha Check out any of these to recover from this one -
The Tips of the Tallest Trees
Gratitude
Just Live
On Looking Through Old Photographs.
Pretty much any of my poems except this one. lol
Thanks for reading it, anyway!
Mark -
Mark...
It is really good..You have created a feel...in this...causing the reader to feel your emotion..
to want to reach to you...and help you in this hour.
I enjoy your work...Keep up the great work..
Edited on Dec 14, 3:23 p.m. because ''. -
Mark this is a wonderful write...you take us matter-of-factly down the reality road ...bravo
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How absolutly amazing, and what a necassary write for people such as myself who have lost faith ....this was incredibly profound and I found such depth within it.... found my own thoughts wandering throught it, and you wrote it with excellence, wonderful.
~Tina -
this is a most profound write.the honesty in it carries it to the height of profundity.once we accept the that the ways of this world were brought on by the free will that was bestowed upon us by God and by trying too hard to live without obeying His laws,we learn to keep the faith.you are an awesome poet.
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well, that sure was 'open'!
Your honesty, courage and willingness to share is truely admirable!
god bless..
luv and luk always,
kunjal. -
Ohhhh, Sweetheart...of all the people I know...you should not be lonely, ever...I'm so sorry you're feeling down tonight...Mark, I am your Friend...on this site, in this Life...anytime you'd like to talk...or need a Friend...I am here...I've said it before, I'll say it some more:
Smile, my Friend...'tis only Life...you hang in there, Sweet Man...the Sun will rise again...& you will smile once more...until then, you may have mine...
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Thank you, Wanda. I'm feeling lonely tonight so your words brought a tear to my eye. (The good kind.) Thanks for being such a good friend.
Mark -
'...I sometimes remember
the faith that child had,
the child I was,
and I say the prayer again,
but they are only words now,
only words.'...
'...But you have reminded me
that goodness does exist.
Goodness, forbearance, selflessness,
kindness, charity, compassion -
they’re all alive in you.
So I made you my world
and gave up on the real one...'
Mark...as a Poet held in high esteem by so very many people, most certainly including me, you do know the Power that words can hold...no, words are not enough...but when they're all you have...sigh we make do, my Friend...everyone does the best with what they have, at any given time...I am so very saddened by your sorrow for your brother...& I really can't say I don't understand the bitterness, either...I have been in the Shadow of similar Pain...we make our own Path, Mark...you know this...be the Strong Soul that you are...you'll be just fine...& for my Happily Wanderin', Bartlett Quotin', Friend...a quote!!! 
Thomas Harris: 'There's nothing wrong in doubting. It sometimes leads to greater Faith.' Be well, Mark...Life does have a way of working out...sometimes, because of our efforts...sometimes in spite of them...we love you, Wanderin' Man... 
Wanda
Edited on Nov 10, 2:27 because ''. -
Thanks, David. God, it's nice not to talk about Bush/Iraq, etc. I hope things work out for the best and all your fears aren't realized. Time will tell.
(Oops, I just talked about Bush. lol)
Mark -
Hi Sara,
I always try to be positive, but once in a while, I've got to get stuff like this out of my system. I hope I didn't bum you out. lol Thanks for your compassionate words. It means a lot to me to have you in my corner in life.
Love,
Uncle Mark -
Hi Reenie,
That's me - always wandering off! lol Thanks for your kind words. It's always good to hear from you.
Mark -
Hi YYC,
Funny, as much complaining I do about God's apparent absence or unwillingness to right wrongs, etc., I agree with you that most of our problems in life are caused by us. I personally don't blame God for anything that happens to me because I know I create everything in my life. I have a lot of bitterness about my brother, though, because it crushed my parents, particularly my mother, who prayed and prayed for him, even in the Sistine Chapel when she went on a trip to Italy. If God didn't hear her there, where would he? But the worst happened anyway, so I'm still a little pissed about it.
I think I write these poems to get responses like yours, that help me find some faith, because this world just keeps stripping it away. So thank you for your insights. I hope you are doing happy and well.
Mark -
I think that many people keep on losing faith but find it back, eventually
Too many things happen in life, too many bad things around the world make us doubt and see faith as an abstract and useless point; but there are too lots of wonders to remind us (or should though) that beauty and goodness are still alive.
I wish you well and lots of light to illumonate your way, always
Kisses and love,
Mari
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Good writing- from others I have read this should do well
David -
hey
Alot of what I write is in what isn't said....
I am curious of your above statement... lol the whole flaming cantelope things... I dont think I have taken word playing that far but... lol I like that line... I am picturing how gay men play bacchi or something... lol dunno... just where I went... anyway, on your above write...reminds me of prose a story with many thoughts and phases... I enjoyed the journey and how it made me think
good luck in the challenge
oh with the way you feel.. would you read this and tell me what you honestly think? allpoetry.com/Poem/330709 thanks. -
Thanks Mozaic,
I like your take on pain - that it is "present to strengthen and test our hearts, not for the sole purpose of sheer mental misery, but for the sake that we can rise above all trials to be able to move on to the next level in life."
My mother often says, "These things are sent to try us." I guess this poem arose from the feeling that I (and my parents) had been tried enough, and then the main source of our pain dies. I worry about my mother so much. They're doing much better now, though. It's kind of amazing, actually - how much the soul can endure. She didn't laugh for so long after he died that when she did, it was like music.
Thanks again for sharing your insight with me. I appreciate it.
Mark -
Wow Uncle Mark, This is so sad yet very beautiful. I'm sorry about everything you had to go through and the emotions and feelings that you had and still have in losing him, losing a sibling is almost unbearable, and I would lose my faith too, I hope that everything is getting better, I know hard but you're soul is so strong, stronger than I could ever imagine ... ---Sara
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Between reading this and the comment youleft on my rant...I agree that one must always have faith , I am just in one of those phases where I think I have to regain the faith in myself first ...and then take it from there . Thx Mark , you have a very encouraging and yet truthful way about you , and I am so glad to have found the Happy Wanderer back after he wandered off
Reenie
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You have stirred alot of mixed feelings here judging from the comments you've receieved...faith in its very essence has always held mixed emotions for some, especially when a tragedy occurs to us personally. True we can be swayed from time to time as we end up vacillating between beliefs, yet as disturbed as our spirit's be, we must always hold on to the foundation of the promises remembering that pain in this lifetime subsides and is present to strengthen and test our hearts, not for the sole purpose of sheer mental misery, but for the sake that we can rise above all trials to be able to move on to the next level in life. Thanks for such a powerful read and for baring your soul
Edited on Nov 06, 1:47 because ''. -
Thought Provoking
A priest said once as he was showing us around his church and someone said, "What if none of this is real and is just our imagination and group insanity." The priest said, "Well we either have salvation or we are the biggest fools who walked the earth." Even if it isn't real...we need to believe it is real...and maybe...just maybe...if we believe hard enough it will be real. Anways as long as you believe... heaven and faith are real. Reality is in large degree what we believe sort of like relativity depends where you stand. Perspective.... We aren't robots and most of the bad things that happen are due to the bad choices made...not by God...but by us. And who is God...whoever we believe he is for it is a choice nobody can force on us or take from us. For in our silent thoughts we believe what we want to...or need to.
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"WWII encryption devices". lol That's hilarious, and a great compliment because clarity is always my goal. If people who read my work don't understand it, it's my fault, not theirs. I think modern/abstract poets caused poetry's all-time low in popularity with crap like -
Flaming cantaloupes
trickle down my brow
as the terrified sand
screams oblong operettas
to my parched bicycle seat
I mean, who the hell needs it? It's like a modern painting I saw once in a museum. The canvas was about twenty feet tall and ten feet wide, solid yellow, with a blue square in one corner. What a waste of space. And people were standing around analyzing it. Jesus.
Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
Mark
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You have an innocence to your writing that is uncommon... It’s very refreshing and allows other to peer into your should without using WWII encryption devices. Well Done. Jack
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Why fluctuate at all? There's no harm in believing in something and sticking with it.
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This piece struck me really deep as I can totally relate. I struggle to have faith in God, the higher being who makes everything ok - but skeptisism runs too deep most days. Good and bad is common knowledge - and perhaps if we all spread love - we spread God. Thanks for sharing your spiritual thoughts -always a pleasure to read your work -
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Hey BK,
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I don't mean to alarm any of my friends. I fluctuate from atheist to Christian all the time. For an example of one written in a more faithful moment, check out my poem Journey to God if you haven't yet.
I have seen Bruce Almighty and really enjoyed it. They tackled the big questions in a very intelligent way, without being preachy.
Thanks again for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
Mark
Edited on Apr 07, 12:36 because ''. -
this kinda took me back for a while i too have been in your shoes in many points that you made the only difference was it was a bother it was my father it's a shame we can't all think like kids (not the kids today the ones like when we were young)we would all be so much happier some days i think there could in no way be a god if there were why is this world this way but then i think for everything that is bad there is something good and how could we feel lucky for having the good if there was no dad i'm sorry to hear about your bother but if there is one thing i'm lucky for that is that i don't have to see my father in so much pain drugs and booze can be the worse of all you think they could just stop but they can't just like we can't stop loving them nicely done i hope you never loose your faith hope or love for god they are his gifts to you
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Like the minister said, you gotta have Faith, especially now, in today's insane world. I know how hard it is to believe in a Heavenly Father who watches over us; I used to question that as well. After a while, though, I came to realize that He does exist. Humans do what they do, because it all comes down to a matter of choice. If a person is able to choose an education over drugs, if he/she is able to choose good over evil, then that's a miracle in and of itself. If that person is able to stick with that, to be the best person they can and help others to be that way too, then that's truly a miracle. A movie you should check out that was made recently is called, "Bruce Almighty." You've probably seen it already, but if you haven't, check it out.
I've heard a lot of people say that there's no way in hell they'd raise a child in today's world, that it's almost a sin to raise children the way the world is these days. That is an affect of terrorists and the general way of the world. Don't let violence change the way you live your life or your beliefs; when that happens, then violence truly has won. Anyway, I don't know what else to say on this, so...see ya.
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