Zero gravity
Across the time
As I’m diving
Into the sky,
The mist of rain
Veil of my eyes,
Thunderous silence
In soundless cries.
Falling up
On top of the wind,
Free of the drag
That binds my being
To the fragile webs
Of mortal life,
Love, hate, need,
And all in between.
P
E
R
P
E
T
U
A
L
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
Why
Does heaven’s
Pure tears rain upon
The tainted mortal ears,
When my rain of earthly
Sorrow washes away
Heaven’s years?
Toneless memories,
Deluded dreams,
Pasts I left behind
Falling free
To the other side
Of that second rainbow
Below the shades
Of love’s lost tree.
Zero gravity
Cut me free,
Wash me anew
On top of the wind,
Another chance to feel
The webs so tempting,
Love, hate, need,
And all in between.
Author notes
does the lines under perpetual falling look like the shape of a teardrop?
Written October 26th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
That's a pretty fat teardrop! I do like the effect you were going for; the words "perpetual falling", that was my favorite part of this poem. Nicely done! And thank you for entering my contest.
~Jessica -
crap!!! This is amazing!!! wow it really put words to emotios that are hard to grasp!
Phonomenal job! -
Very good!
I really like the fact that the stanza underneath "Perpetual Falling" looks like a teardrop. Took me a second to realize it though. I really liked this. It was very unique and the flow was great. I really liked it! Keep up the great work!
God bless you,
~~~~~
Erika ~~~~~~
-
...and thank you for reading this piece, "as a leaf falling from a tree" you ahve beautiful use of words, good luck! ^^
-
Poetic Masterpiece
WOW... what a poetic masterpiece. This poem flows effortlessly as a leaf falling from a tree. Each line leads into the next so naturally that it is not forced at all. Most of the rhyming poem seem forced but yours is so natural. It is always great to read something this well written. Thanks for posting such a masterpiece. -
Whimsy and enjoyable. I love the rhyme and the form of the stanzas. Good job!
-
Very interesting write. I enjoyed your form. I see some allusion here to Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
Soar
into the Unknown...
centrifugal force
sinuous motion.
Cut loose the
sandbags
betray gravity
Where does helium go? -
Very nice poem. I liked the whimsical nature of it. A smile came across my face when you wrote "Perpetual falling". For some reason, that just worked. I also think that the imagery is perfect. Keep working of unorthodox structures, and don't let anyone stop you from being different because that's where all the creativit comes from anyway. I wish you all the encouragement in the world. I look forward to reading your other stuff.
-
P
E
R
P
E
T
U
A
L
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
Im not quite sure why you chose to put that the way you did. The structure is a bit different. But i liked it. It made the poem interesting, so good job. Keep writing -
At A Loss For Words
Why
Does heaven’s
Pure tears rain upon
The tainted mortal ears,
When my rain of earthly
Sorrow washes away
Heaven’s years?
That and the whole poem was AMAZING! I loved how you used "Perpetual Falling" in that sense, it was awesome.
Keep up the good work, I'm at a loss for words!
Jaylynn -
great poem, nice rhyming. very powerful indeed. this was a great wrie, and i loved the lines:
Toneless memories,
Deluded dreams,
Pasts I left behind
Falling free
To the other side
Of that second rainbow
Below the shades
Of love’s lost tree.
great job, keep it up!
xxmaureen
Edited on Nov 19, 11:30 p.m. because ''. -
a rather heavy one at that, and this so reminds me of a jump I took in a depressed mood over a hazardous area where sure trouble waited below, and how lovely the freefall was with no conmmitment except the air gliding me high above the frey, and the temptation to just sail on into eternity was never stronger.....Artis
-
thank u very much for reading my poem and being truthful My web page buddy just won one of your contests yesterday, the vampire one, her pen nam's Hastings how opportuned ^_^
-
Hey, your in one of my groups and i read a post you posted saying you wanted someone to read your poem, and this was great. I really loved it, and think your very talented. This was really just awsome. And im not just saying this to be nice. *I applauded* thanks for sharring.
DJ -
this is a very powerful piece my friend. i loved you vivd imagry and you word choice. you captured feelings and emotions in this piece that people struggle theie entire lives to understand. this is truely a great write my friend... i enjoyed reading such a spiritual and powerful piece such as this once. truely unique... keep up the good work my friend and alwaise remember to stay true to yourself and to your heart, or else you'll be no more...
*LuNaR* ~ stephen -
thank you so much for the comment, i think the raindrop is a great idea, I read ur advice many times and i will rewrite it to make it better. thanks for the hankie ^_^
-
sweet stuff
hiya noticed you'd posted needing some help on that critiquing board, i'm sorta tired so i had to read that couple times.. but i'm sorri i can't catch the meaning yet.. so i'll go after the couple errors i found, nothing big but it could use a tad bit of a polishing up
simple typos like VEIL in 2nd stanza, wash should be washes... toneLESS in 3rd stanza, below the shade, no S 'cross??
i know 'cross shortened from across for rhythm maybe.. but it gets confused to me and i just see cross... but that's a personal choice if you want to leave it open to interpetation hehe
and in the ending... you mentioned veil before in the first stanza, could find impact in the final line with and veiled tears in my eye... dunno just another suggestion
one other thing i noticed -- you did ask for help heheh sorri i'm pretty analytical and think this is an sweet poem worth polishing -- but you have this wonderful perpetual falling
a last suggestion would be to make it totally a concrete poem and reshape all the lines into tear drops... forgive me as i hack up your poem lines a bit
Why
does all
heaven's soft
tears rain down
upon mortal ears,
when my earthly
sorrows do wash
away heaven's
years?
yes i added a few words to make a more symetrical teardrop but idunno concrete poems are sorta fun so if you wanna.. it's got a beautiful sad mood already that you could totally visually add to...
the stuff about time and dreams... very cool thinking indeed
you mentioned love only once out of nowhere so it seemed to be a seperate thought... could you keep a narrower focus or add another stanza/teardrop about your hope in love?
either way don't freak about the editing suggestions... i could be called picky or i could expect that you'd want everything in your writing to be as good as it could be before you publish it that gets easier over time... awesome job though...
i didn't decide to write poetry very much until ninth grade either... hahah i woulda loved to post my stuff on the internet.. i almost predate internet lol
actually posted a couple for fun recently that i wrote back then heheh.. keep writing every emotion and event down in poetry or freeflow prose... develop your descriptive imagry and storytelling in poems.. just enjoy it all... take care *hands you a hanky for the tears*
cheers
phil
Edited on Oct 27, 10:06 p.m. because 'argg if you center the line... it is a teardrop i swear'. -
omg this is fabulous... wow u create such a lasting picture in my mind... this would make an awesome song... I could just see it now! Keep it up! **jess**
-
lol did u watch wold's rain? ALL OF THEM DIED!!!!! ITS SOOO SAD
-
hah...u made a poem about wolf's rain didn't ya?
*laugh* *sob* *sniffS*
loved "y does heaven's tears fall upon mortal ears, wen my earthly sorrow wash away heaven's years?" perffffect.
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
5 old applause
