on thermal updrafts
boundless ~ soaring
sharp-eyed hawk spots prey
Patricia Gibson-Williams
Author notes
Written October 24th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- For the Birds (haiku) by MagicLady.
300 points, ended October 27, 2004, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is a nice. Your words made me want to fly with that hawk. It is very nice to see poets sharing thoughts and ideas. It makes me feel so good about allpoetry when people come together and share their information. Thank you all for that.
Thank you for both of your entries.
Cheryl
Hawks are amazing. I have seen them swoop down and come up with mice, rabbits, snakes, and birds. The can be very territorial as well. Even male and female that have mated are like that. It depends on the species. Birds are so fascinating.
The most common and widespread hawk in North America, the Red-tailed Hawk is a bird of open country. It is frequently seen sitting on utility poles where it watches for rodents in the grass along the roadside. Notice I give you North America...cause that is what I know best. I need to make trips to other areas....maybe soon...maybe someday!!??
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this is a stunning image and it appeared in my mind almost abruptly as i read. i learned from the helpful comments back and forth also. beautifully done.
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*11/10*
Very nicely written. Flying creatures are cool. It's also well worded. Please keep writing. -
I too Like Haiku. You have captured the essence of a stalking raptor. the graphic only adds to the feeling of surfing the wind. I think this was a well done non-traditional Haiku. What can be more pleasing than to paint a moment in time with words? Red
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I love hawk! hehe, anyway, this was great ... love the feel of freedom you give in the second line. Exceelent haiku.
~ Moon -
Yes, That is much better!
I feel like putting "boundless ~ soaring" as the first line... but that's just me - getting involved gives me the urge to fiddle 
~ G
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I changed it... I do believe it's better. Thank you for your suggestions. Patti
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Thank you for your gracious reception of my observations.
I understand what you mean about conveying the feeling of soaring, but that's the poet 'telling'
. The tricky part about haiku is the 'egoless reticence', allowing the reader to 'see' the image, and what it suggests, themselves. Something like 'soaring higher' could perhaps achieve that.
I appreciate how difficult it is, there are many I just can't get right... or come back to them later and tweak 'em some more.
I loved your "cardinal sins" one!
~ G
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Thank you for your comment on my haiku. I will give your suggestions some thought. When I repeated the word soaring, I was hoping the reader would see it as a glorious feeling of soaring, higher and higher. I played with several ways to word this line, but I kept feeling that soaring! ~ soaring! (maybe I should have used !) would express the feeling of being so absorbed in the experience that all other thoughts are over taken. I hate that I seem to have failed with that. As for the word taloned… that is a little harder. I wasn’t sure what word I wanted to use from the beginning. I was hoping to remind the reader of how lethal a hawk is by focusing the picture on it’s talons. Maybe I need to keep it simpler and just say lethal or deadly. I guess I’ll have to think about it. In the meantime I’ve paused while writing this to jot down ideas for two other haiku, so thank you for the help, for more then one reason. ~ Patti ~
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The image is good, but I'm wondering if the repeat of "soaring" is necessary. 'Soaring ~ silent', perhaps, or 'circling silent'? The soaring is already suggested by "thermal updrafts". (glider pilots simply call them 'thermals'). Also, "taloned" is automatically implied by "hawk".
Just some thoughts from a 'participant reader' and haiku enthusiast.
~ G
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