I've held it all inside of me, not wanting to be real,
building walls of lies because im too afraid to feel.
I can't show my tears because I'm not supposed to cry
What I've worked so hard to build has trapped me in its lie.
My scars are always hidden cuz everything has to be alright
even when I cry myself to sleep and fight to live at night.
My house of cards is falling, its slipping to one side
My emotions are haunting me and killing me inside
Author notes
yeah...smile.
Written October 23rd, 2004
A contest entry
- Any thing u like can go in hear by pimp daddy satin.
300 points, ended October 14, 2005, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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i loved your poem. . .wish it was longer cause i wanted to keep reading! I know exactly how you feel.
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Not really my scene but the concept of cards is o.k.
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this is really good i like
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This was a pretty good piece, I liked the theme of the poem and the overall effect on myself as a reader. There were a few gramatical errors in here such as your usuage of both lower and upper case I's. Make sure you check through these and get them remedied.
I would change the use of the word 'cuz' as well, it's more correct to put 'cause though both of these aren't particularly flattering to a piece of poetry.
I liked the metaphor of the cards, though I felt this could have been used more throughout the poem since that would make it relate more effectively to the title.
I liked your use of emotion in this poem, it touches the reader well but you could expand on this by including more deatils on how you feel when you cry yourself to sleep or why everything seems to be going wrong.
Anyway, nice write, keep up the good work
Edited on Nov 15, 3:39 p.m. because 'spelling mistakes'. -
wow i love his poem. it is a little short, but it works in the poem. great job.
i like the was you used the symbolizm(did i spell that right?) of a house of cards in this. pure genius. -
You can never tell, even if you know someone, if they are writing from the heart or just trying to write something that will touch someone. Here I can feel the pain and without knowing the cause I feel like offering help. I guess that is the point of writing, drawing someone into the story so far they are a part of it and you accomplished this. Good luck with the future and keep writing. You obviously have a flair for it.
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This was truely a very beautiful poem, showing deep thoughts and letting out emotions good foryou. Did you feel better after you wrote this? GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE LAURA
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I have felt like this and oftentimes still do. I just don't think I could convey my feelings as well as you have done. This is so sad and heartfelt.
~Destiny~ -
Sorry, but I don't care for rhyming couplets like this. They remind me of nursery rhymes, and these rhymes feel forced to me. I'd like to have seen the metaphor of the house of cards used more too, pull in the images, maybe use the cards themselves, as if the Jack of Hearts is slacking, and is wall is slipping, about to topple.
Edited on Nov 10, 4:27 p.m. because ''. -
Well, honestly, I would've liked to see this a bit longer, lol. I think that this had such a strong flow and wonderful imagery...and the meter was spot on for the most part. It had a stark honesty to it and a deep darkness...and I absolutely thought the metaphor of a falling house of cards was fantastic! Really, I just wish it had gone a bit longer cause it was extremely well done. Great job.
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Personally I hate lower case i's. Had these been consistent, perhaps I would have passed on commenting on them, but you mixed and matched. big no, no in my book, sorry. One or the other but not both.
I also would have prefered 'right' to alright'.
cuz is yuk, sorry, that's me again. 'cos would have been marginally acceptable to me. At least it sounds like 'because'
It rhymed really well and was long enough (sentences) so that the rhymes were not clichéd.
Short and sweet it netherless managed to give a good sense of the disquiet of the narrator. The hypocrisy of the situation shines through too. A downhill 'slide' into despair.
Despite my early lambasting comments, I did like this piece.
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I love the metaphor here, that was awesome. It seemed a bit slow, which added to this. Keep writing
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that was awesome. the rhyming went sooo well and i loved it...hmm...i have one more applause for the day, so i'll use it on you! ^_^ great job and keep it up!
-Michelle
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I just had to click.. because it was on the list like 5 times. Who could resist, right? Anywayz, I'm glad I did click too, because this was an awesome poem and I relate to it so well. This poem put into words my thoughts and feelings that I haven't been able to express through my poetry yet. It gave me a look deeper inside of myself, and that's what good poetry does. I liked this poem a lot. "I'm not supposed to cry." I don't know whether it's a pride thing or what.. but I refuse to let myself cry.. even though it happens sometimes. I won't ever let anyone see me cry, because to me crying makes you seem weak. But sometimes you've just got to cry, and being a girl.. that's really true, lol. Anywayz, awesome poem, great job, and keep it up.
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I wanted to say something bad about this poem. ..like find a flaw cause you know.. no poem is perfect.. but this was such an exceptional write i really couldnt find anything to critique. Terrrific piece filled with emotion and pain. keep up the good work
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Very nice! heh... we all feel that way sometimes... it's just that some of us feel like that all the time..... everything is just a paper in the storm and a marshmallow in the fire... awsome poem.
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yay!
amazing write,,,, truly great. Keep writing and keep me updated...great analogy....very very intense... -
excellent write. although sometimes i find that short poems try to fit too much into them, this one was quite the opposite. it was wonderful, very emotional and intense. great write, thanks for sharing.
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Wow all I have to say is wow! I loved the whole thing but I loved the last two lines and these lines the best:
"I can't show my tears because I'm not supposed to cry
What i've worked so hard to build has trapped me in its lie."
I think you have a great talent! I also believe a lot of people can look at your stuff and relate to it, and that is true poetry! Great job! Keep up the great work!
Much love,
Sarah a.k.a DeadlyKisses smoochies
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Hun you did an amazing job! The rhyme was uber good for one point, and the lines were just brilliance with a shit load of feeling.. I just wow, I loved it.
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Excellent poem. I appriciate the honesty of it, and it doesn't take forever to get its point across. The metaphor is familiar but not cliche.
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good write frought with emotion the tension u feel is brought to life in your choice of imagery
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This poem is awesome! Well written and lots of people can relate to it. I know I can. Great job!
Bye bye be safe! 1-4-3 Miya (That's me!) -
I really liked this poem i thought it spoke to me and I really enjoyed reading it nice job -lacer
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whoa.. this made me cry. This was short but you got your point across very well. Great write.
keep up the good work. Im off to check out your other stuff.
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Short and simple, but wickedly awesome. Nice Job!
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bravo
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HEY DUDE..tht's soooooo impressive..pierced my sainty and grabed my tongue..i just adore it ..am stunned yet forevermore speechless..its a blazing masterpiece and the most part i liked was ::: My scars are always hidden cuz everything has to be alright
even when i cry myself to sleep and fight to live at night.
its just a typical phrase for my state ..i cant comment anymore ..you got all the talk ..left me in the cold , a pose for the tainted souls...
keep the blazing working..standing ovation
LITTLE SOUSOU TO NOWHEREKID:: GIA -
Hey listen, notakidofnotnowwhere, of course you may cry! Please do. Because you cry in your poem. And your poem is YOU. So: YOU may cry. Cry and see if the skies fall. And: blow on that house of cards, and let it tumble in. And then you start all over again. Why not? Never too late to start at the very beginning ... Or are you too young for Julie Andrews, Hmmmmmm?
Poem expressed your feelings well. Good. Get 'em out.
Myra
Edited on Oct 24, 11:11 because ''. -
My scars are always hidden cuz everything has to be alright
even when i cry myself to sleep and fight to live at night.
My house of cards is falling, its slipping to one side
My emotions are haunting me and killing me inside
^ Muh fave part.
Dude you're one of the best writers i've seen in ages.. Don't ever stop okay!
<3 CC -
Oh my gosh! This is so amazingly beautiful!! This is so depressing, I almost cried. Very well done, my friend, and keep up the good work. Your lines, the way they rhyme and flow so nicely, is also awesome. This poem is a definate winner in a contest. You should submit it someday.
~Taylor~ -
Delightful
Wow, this is truly an amazing poem. I enjoyed reading every word of it. I know how you feel, if that makes you feel any better. *hugs* Well, I hope you feel better. Great job. Great poem.
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