dead, still night
empty bench with a sign reads
"in honor of rock and roll"
Author notes
This was written for my haiku class. My teacher thinks this would work even better as a Haibun(with editing and expansion), which is a combination of prose and haiku poems. It's focus is often on everyday experiences, but sometimes it focuses on a journey, and in the the style of the originator of haibun, a Japanese monk named Basho who kept travely journals. So you will see this revised in the future If you want to know more about haibun go here: raysweb.net/haiku/pages/haibun-definition.html
I am still looking for a better title, so any suggestions welcome.
Mariza, guess you were right on target, given all the comments that followed yours- Empy Bench it is. It is very metaphorical, and highlighting it as the title captures the poem at a different angle than I wrote it with.
Written October 20th, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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another beautiful haiku....
I didn't know about the form "haibun" until you mentioned it in your author notes. It's so nice to learn something new. I really appreciate this captured moment. I can just see the Grateful Dead, all banded together on this bench, with the Rolling Stones camped out on the sidewalk. I love the metaphor with the still night and Rock~n~Roll. I wonder if that's because I like country music so much. In the 80's and 90's it was said that Disco was dead, and it's getting to the point that Rock~n~Roll might be heading in that direction. Times change, and on occasion, people change with them.
Knight70
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This was truly brilliant. I am such a huge fan of the Haiku form and you have done a marvelous job with this. You have painted the picture well with your words. Nicely done, to say the least.
~ John
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wow, this was powerful somehow. I can't quite put my finger on why but I thought this was excellent. It embodies the feeling I have about rock, how it seems to almost dead, just a shallow heartbeat away from goign up in flames. Great write even if it was only three lines
-Gibson -
Every time.
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Haiku's always amaze me... So short and simple.. This is really good.. I enjoyed it a lot
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Not familiar with this particular form. In general I like Haikus because they say much with few words. This one seems very simple in its description. I'm not sure of any deeper meaning except to describe a scene.
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Laughing at this, poor rock and roll, it has its own bench and all. This makes me think of those benches you see when visiting the graveyard with the plaques. Good work.
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i do simply wish
to have energy to know
haiku but cannot -
"HONOR OF ROCK AND ROLL" that would be a cool title. i loved this haiku-it was beautiful! i'm not good at writing them myself. beautiful write
*Lyssa* -
Hooray for imagery
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This is just wonderful! Where did you see this bench! I love seeing random quotes and inspirational words on random posters and walls...it gives you something to do on long walks. I walk by a wall that says "Sing Loudly" on my way to class every morning and i always seem to look forward to reading it again. Great Write!
Cheers!
Laura -
it is where many wishing to be rock and roll stars ended up sleeping and it is fitting to be sure, we once set up an entire band on a bench using it like a stage, and made over six hundred dollars in donations to the hat we put out that day, and were very pleased with the benches output.....Artis
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i like it...im not sure of the actual meaning..but from what i got from it, i like it...well done...enjoyed the read
~*~blu~*~ -
Love it. I think it was a great idea to use in the class!
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I love the title and the haiku, and the visual or mental picture that the words made my minds' eye see were great. Very good job whether it is haiku or haibun, it is excellent!
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No I'm not. I think I missed the deadline, and besides, I didn't even know he was offering another course!
So sad. Oh well, I'll take it next semester. Have you done a lot so far? Maybe I can ask him to reopen the application.
~Anastasia -
As for a title how about, Night Still? As for the poem itself, I love it. I am not good with the haiku form, but I do enjoy reading them.
Damon D. Brewer
Edited on Oct 20, 5:44 p.m. because ''. -
very good
I found this to be very thoughtful, especially with the empty bench. Far too many rockers dying at an early age.
Very well done.
thanks,
John -
nope, justfrom this site. Your in the latest, right?
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This is wonderufl on so many levels. The contrast is very impactful. Reminds me of all the ironic situations when you walk through the silence, the dark, whatever, and see a flier for a club flying through the park. Hmm. My example isn't as good as you rhaiku, obviously. Never heard of haibun before. Interesting. And didn't we take all the haiku classes together? Or are you taking more elsewhere?
~Anastasia -
You got EXACTLY what I was aiming for. Quality observation in my haiku I think, but it was very hard to write it out in haiku form.
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that's Ozymandias By Sheeley. You can find the text on eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/display/poem1904.html
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This reminds me of an old poem which was about a stone tablet saying 'the king of ... look at my works and despair' or something (can't remember what exactly) and all around is desert, kind of a modern twist on that A great haiku- I'm rubbish at titles but this was a really good poem
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I don't know squat about haiku. One of my preconceptions
was that the form eschewed punctuation.
However, it's there so that causes me confusion.
Is you comma a listing comma or a gapping comma?
If it is a listing comma, you (in essence) wrote
The night is dead and still
If it is a gapping comma you wrote
I am dead, it is still night
The former might be more suitable as a hyphen, the latter as a colon.
If it is the latter, this has more implications when reading the final line than the former does.
Having started punctuating, I am surprised you didn't continue
by surrounding the weak interuption of 'with a sign' with commas.
I know this sounds like harping on, but with a form of such brevity, I feel that clarity is paramount.
Nice poem though, whichever way you go! lol
re the title, I feel if this pice is extended, we need more information on the theme of the rest -
Excellent Haiku, great pen my friend, keep up the great works!
I seem to like these styles, but need some practice writing them, lol...Thanks for sharing, please pen on!
-Little Tim -
I agree with Mariza , Empty Bench would make a nice title.
I love the feel of this piece , haiku or haibun , i really can't say.
Luv
pia. -
I'm looking for a title to tie it all together. IE the title I have is a famous rock n roll song. But I think there is a better title out there. I want the title to capture the hunmor(irony) of the situation.
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The images are very interesting Duana.
You could use Empty bench as title
Hugs,
Mari
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title suggestion: Rock On
or: Night
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