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Penthouse Suite

She reached into the dresser drawer behind the gold-toe socks
And carefully pulled out the old tattered music box
She slowly opened up the lid and brushed the dust away
As the wooden box before her played a song from yesterday
Hidden deep inside, she grasp the neatly folded note
With teary eyes she read the parting words he wrote

"If ever you feel low up in your sky-rise penthouse suite
Or you catch a moments glimpse of the world beneath your feet
I'll be here in the valley on this run down southern farm
You'll see me from a distance with outstretched loving arms

If the glitter of the city lights should blind your deep blue eyes
And wear away the layers on your forged elite disguise
Or if your satin sheets grow cold under shiny neon lights
Theres a burning fire waiting in the starry Texas night

If you find your growing weary of the latest high class trend
And the last one has betrayed you and your thirsty for a friend
When the rain falls down and botches your beauty parlor hair
Come swing with me angel, in the southern mountain air

When the diamonds in the sky reveal that heaven has no price
And the gold begins to tarnish in your man made paradise
When the reflection in the mirror shows a heart that's incomplete
Just call my name out in the wind, I'll offer you retreat

If you should find you've lost your way, your scared and all alone
I'll be your savior in the night, I'll be your highway home
Let me carry you through fields of green out in the open air
I'll adore you in your old blue jeans and a daisy in your hair
We'll lay out in the corn fields and stare up at the sky
I'll be there to hold you close, till all your tears run dry
And when the day is done and the evening sky draws near
We'll ride off in the sunset on my rusty old John Deer

So remember this my angel, as you reach out for the stars
I'm singin you a love song on my old beat up guitar
And know that if the day should come your feeling sad and blue
There's a cowboy over yonder... waiting here for you."

Author notes


Written October 16th, 2004

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 39 of 39

  • Silence of Finality gold member
    March 25, 2006
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    This poem was so different, true and beautiful you made me cry. Thank you for sharing it with us here.


  • heartnsoul
    November 1, 2005
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    superb

    I had this bookmarked from the time I first read it. I came to find out that bookmarking only hold just so many. So I have printed it out. I do hope you don't mind. I read this once again with new eyes and I am in more awe than I was the first time I read this. I get chills when I read this. The heart softens with sadness and deep profound love. This is truly a work of art. I'm glad I found you once again.
    ~Michelle~


  • terrytheterrifyc
    September 25, 2005
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    Excellent!

    This is a totally awesome love poem. It should be made into a country song. You are very talented! Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem. I truly enjoyed reading this, and it flows so beautifully from beginning to end--it kept me captivated!

  • ecrivain01
    January 5, 2005
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    not bad, not bad

    This should be a country western song. It's almost perfect for that.

    Jim Dunlap


  • Jcsketch82 gold member
    December 8, 2004
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    Yet another great poem. All I can say is keep up the good work.


  • Abscessed
    December 8, 2004
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    the whole country picture you painted is really lovely. filled with a lot of hope and despair...this is a good write on the whole thank you for entering the contest!


  • Lady Bird
    December 3, 2004
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    This is extremely delightful, enchanting, and beautiful. It seems simple, but that's one of the reasons I like it. The rhyming was great, and the flow was awesome I think this could make an interesting song if it was put to music...that's just my opinion, though

    -Emily

  • afgtsdfhsdfhnd
    December 3, 2004
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    This is very inspiring to me. Makes me think I should work alittle harder on my poems.


  • Samplette gold member
    December 3, 2004
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    Sometimes we walk away and leave behind the life that we should live. Other times we walk to and find the life that is ours.
    This was another write that sung with each word that I read. I found it inspiring, and so beautiful. I just don't have the words to describe how your words are touching me this morning.
    Has been a pleasure.
    Sam


  • Claide
    November 18, 2004
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    Consistant, consistant, consistant... Arg! How does she do it!

    You entered this into my mine not to long ago and I didn't have time to comment on it but I'm glad to have the chance to read it again!

    Favorite on yet, started to tear up it was so great. (SomnusLupus must be high or something ).

    Emotion was the strongest characteristic of this piece... (duh!) -

    Inspiring, heart-gripping
    I scored you high for this, right?


  • Georgette
    November 13, 2004
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    Aww wow, great poem! It deeply saddened me - yet I still read it again! Well done and congrats on being such a thought-provoking writer.

    xxBellaxx


  • SomnusLupus
    November 7, 2004
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    ok, the rhyme scheme was still a bit bleh, and the poetry itself could use a bit more care, but on this one the meter wasn't quite so perfect.

    still, I've seen worse,
    - Adam


  • TishBarton silver member
    November 5, 2004
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    really reminds me of a country/western song. Personally I think that's actually really cool!!

  • surfermike
    October 20, 2004
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    an excellent piece of rhyming rhythm and imagery
    well written and .... just overal great
    mike

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    October 20, 2004
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    Emotions, rhyme, content... This poem leaves tingles and the reading of this piece is reward in itself. Score: 9


  • Hoosierpoet silver member
    October 20, 2004
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    Wonderfully delightful and beautiful poem to read - a truly great and entertaining creation. I give you an 8.5 in the contest.

    Best wishes,
    Moses


  • Ava Noire silver member
    October 20, 2004
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    siiigh. This is just beautiful in one of those simple, yet passionate ways. Its kinda hard to describe really, but it left me really wishing that I had a cowboy waiting for me :'(

    good luck in the contest.


  • windhover3 gold member
    October 18, 2004
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    This is well conceived and well executed. You keep a consistent tone throughout, and give a touch of tongue in cheek humor to the note (like he'd let his John Deere get rusty!). I think you want grasps or grasped in line 9, and dropped a "the" before "high class trend" (based on meter), but these are minor edit points.

    It works really well, clever and moving,
    Brian


  • MagicLady silver member
    October 17, 2004
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    I read this earlier today, and didn't get a chance to comment. It is a two tissue poem. I was not too thrilled with your choice of colors for your fonts....made it really hard on the eyes....not the blue, but the red....yuck...you might want to change that. Make it all blue, maybe? Just a thought!

    Your poem is moving, imagery is beautiful, and you took the reader into the poem like a story. I really enjoyed it. Two thumbs and a big toe....UP!!

    Cheryl


  • Reece Magic
    October 17, 2004
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    A+

    Great imagery, very beautiful write. I loved reading it. I didn't know what to expect, but I got out a treat. This was a treat, like eating dessert before dinner. This was a great write. Much enjoyed.

  • pozo
    October 17, 2004
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    Wow, this is a beautiful poem which I liked a lot- excellently written with beauty and truth, great poem of life Keep writing, I loved this

  • Banelord
    October 17, 2004
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    that was really beauftiul, really pulls at the strings.. lol heart ones keep it up i do'nt usually like things like this haha first time for everything


  • InvisibleSoul
    October 17, 2004
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    Very powerful, emotional and beautiful write you have here! I loved every word of it! Great job with this piece...Keep up the great work!


  • onerios13
    October 17, 2004
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    Awwww...gosh that made me wanna cry it was sooo sweet! lol Dude, I swear this should be made into a song or at least a trashy romance novel cause I'd pay good money to read it! Very precious, a true testimony of both emotional skill and poetic talent...I really loved this...sniff...


  • Jacki D
    October 16, 2004
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    perfection

    Increible!!!! It's been a while since I have read anything from you but my gosh this was worth waiting on!!! You certainly haven't lost your touch. Jacki

  • Purplerose
    October 16, 2004
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    Great

    This is a really beautiful piece, you captured such a wonderful scene. This really is a wonderful piece, I really enjoyed it! Your sybolism was great, I don't know if that was intentional, but the music box was a really profound object to put in you poem. Great job, all the best in the contest!
    Purplerose


  • bluexsakuras
    October 16, 2004
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    Oh wow... this is such a beautiful poem. The way you draw me into the words is just gorgeous... keep up the good work!!


  • October 16, 2004
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    i really liked this! there is just something about it i cant pen point it out but this is a great write talent really shines through. i hope you keep up the excellent work. and i will applad this because u totally diserve it!


  • Pusher
    October 16, 2004
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    9/10

    Fuckin beautiful, the images in this are so vivid and perfect, it makes me feel warm inside to know there are more romantics in the world than I thought. I really loved the line about your 'old beat up guitar' that was especially good. Mr Bob Seger would be very proud of you dude This is excellent work, a great ryhme scheme, a perfect flow and a great collection of loving loneliness Definitely worthy of applause and a smile
    Great Work (pushit)

  • Blue Moose
    October 16, 2004
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    yeeee-haa! this was a great poem. i reckon your loved one moseied on up to the big city. i grew up in the south. oklahoma to be exact. miss it. thank you for reminding me of home.

  • AxidentProne28
    October 16, 2004
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    wow

    great poem, i think ive heard the song before- keep writing


  • anyonita jenea
    October 16, 2004
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    wow the image is wonderful as the images are that you painted in my minds with these words...i agree with the above comment...this will be a fantasmal song...i really enjoyed this, glad i stopped by to read this
    anyonita


  • Poetalaina
    October 16, 2004
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    Well worth the read

    Oh wow, I'm stunned. I *bow*. I long for this awesome cowboy! Lol why would anyone let a guy like that go? Anyway, throughout the whole poem, I could just about hear a guitar playing. You should definitely consider making this a song because it would be really good. I just loved this, thanks for sharing.


  • heartnsoul
    October 16, 2004
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    excellent

    THIS IS A CLASSIC!! Yanks at the heartstrings. What a powerful write.I agree with Leo2. Thanks Leo, I couldn't remember the name of the song.Was one of my Dad's favorites. Great job.


  • October 16, 2004
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    You really no how to pluck the heart strings. I felt like I was there. Take a bow, you deserve a standing ovation for this wonderful poem.


  • Nicolette gold member
    October 16, 2004
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    Beautiful word painting!

    Wow...and wow again! I just loved this. Boy, do I wish to have a note like that somehwere in a box of yesterday! Lovely rhythm and rhyme and imagery and emotion. Great work indeed...a poem that lingers in the mind and calls you out to that place where you can run free and wild!! Stunning write - I am in awe at this word painting...
    ~ Nicolette


  • leo2
    October 16, 2004
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    Truly a beautiful love song. Reminds me of one done by Gene Watson called 'Fourteen Carat Mind'. Where the cowboy just didn't fit in to her fourteen carat world but his love for her was twenty four carat gold. Well done. You've written a true treasure.

    Sincerely,
    Leo Long


  • myrataal silver member
    October 16, 2004
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    Lovely

    This poem should be a song, I thought, whilst reading ... and then, in the last stanza, the guitar man said it all ... Loved this - it surely put the focus on the right place: in his heart and in the sincerity of nature.
    And I agree: smooth, seamless write.



    Myra


  • LadyUnique silver member
    October 16, 2004
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    this is beautiful!
    your choice of words is breath-taking and paints a vivid image of Texas and the man that waits there, with all the patience in the world.
    seldom do i read such a smooth rhyme with a natural flow. usually the meter is off or it sounds stiff.
    you done did yourself a great job!
    i applaud thee...

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