Cold,
Is my breath
Stiff,
Are my legs
Frozen,
Is my brain with fear..
The fear so alarming,
The fear this disarming,
Reckless and sudden
in my face!
Fast-forward,
Runs my heart-beat
Burning,
As my eyes glare widely
White,
Goes my face in fear!
The abrupt silence is screaming,
"Run away!You are not dreaming!"
But hypnotized and mesmerized
i just stand!
Fear,
Its feasting on me
Tantalizing,
Are its fangs
Sinking,
Into me, my neck..
There's no point escaping,
'tis a skin we have to dive in,
Its a writer's warm-up
to write something scarey!!!!
Author notes
please give me comments- as critical as possible!!
i dont think i will be able to learn without it, so dont just read and go, pl do comment! thank u so much, in advance!
Written October 15th, 2004
A contest entry
- Scare us with a twist... (New Member Contest- October) by AP Greeters.
300 points, ended November 2, 2004, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
Haha I like this! Because most of the lines are short, it chops up the poem but makes it move quickly too, which makes fear totally stand out. I love the style of this poem, it's just SO cool. And certainly different. And I love how you ended it! Great job.
-
hey there!
thank you! -
LOL
Nice ending haha
I thought that it would have ended in seomthing weird, but the ending was really cool
Good job
-
dear john,
thanks for appreciating, and being encouraging. -
thank you von.
-
This was a clever write. I liked the ending, because it had a good twist to it. Nice imagery within the lines as well. Keep penning.
~ John
-
Kunjal I like this - the ending was unexpected and fits the contest critieria.
Thanks for this and once again Welcome
~Von~ -
thank you mari!!!
i am glad u liked it.
thanks for your hugs too!.. am collecting all of them!
luv n luck,
kunj. -
I liked this one ttoo! The end is quite amusing and clever! I really thought you would end it with some line full of angst, isntead you surprised us.
Very well done!
Hugs,
Mari
-
Tina B.,
thank u for your comment. it feels good to know that u feel my poem has a good combination of material & neatness of form!thanks again.. feels great to be appreciated. -
j.t.,
i think thats a good suggestion.. thank u! i wont be making any changes now tho.. maybe later.
your honest comment is well appreciated.. keep it coming..
thanks again!
kunjal.
Edited on Oct 23, 2:38 because ''. -
I wasn't expecting your ending so I had a chuckle with that. This is pretty well done. Your poem is polished and neat, free of typoes or spelling errors as far as I can tell - so that impresses me. I don't think its just the content of the poem , I think it is a combination of material and neatness of form to create a good piece. well done, thanks for entering
-
i like the feel of this poem and the twist but i have a few nits takte them or leave them as you wish int eh first stanza i think you should take "with fear" to aanother line (dont knwo if this is good advice i just think personally it would make the flwo better.
cold
is my breath
stiff
are my legs
frozen
is my brain,
with fear
good peom good job.
JT -
thank u! u do know u r very kind right?
hehe
thanks once again! -
hehe, i like the last two lines, they make the poem sound a little light hearted, but its all good, sorry im not a good person to do critical, i don't have enough knowledge in literacy, but from how i see it looks pretty good, i wouldn't change anything
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
3 old applause
