The sun sets off in the distance
Somewhere behind the whispy rain clouds
Drifting in over our heads.
Somewhere along this road,
I heard those drops start to fall.
I am blind now, to all the world,
An act of god to cover the existance.
When will the rain cease to pound
All around my tin can of armor
Bouncing down the road in a diesel haze?
When will the trees stop falling
Down around this long, twisted road?
Singing and dancing to a macabe whistle
From the winds blown from the mouth of heaven,
Dropping one at a time around my tin can.
When will the winds stop blasting
Cold gusts of empty promises
That shove me further away from this world,
Away from some deep reality
That everyone else sees as so important?
When will the gray clouds split apart
And show me the dark night sky again?
Oh when will I see that thumb nail moon
That shines down in an accusing point
From some god hiding in the cosmos?
When will the weight of the world
Finally crush my little tin can
Into the asphalt hell beneath it's wheels,
Spilling diesel and future plans
All across this crowded highway?
Sitting still, watching the lightening,
Hearing the hum from that tin can motor,
Swaying along to the dance of the trees
And laying back to avoid the wind,
I feel those arms about my torso.
I sit here, in the arms of my lover,
The one who's eyes show gray and wide.
His chin rests on my shoulder as I watch,
Out the window of the tin can,
And I can hear him breath in my ear.
All the sounds cease around me,
Save for that even breath warm on my neck.
I am safe now, in the arms of my lover,
Caught in his wide eyed gaze like a dear
In the blinding headlights of this tin can.
His arms tighten about my body
As he guards me from the crashing lightening
And the crushing trees all around us.
I know nothing but him and his touch.
I know nothing but his breathing.
He sighs, as if this all bores him,
So brave, but I feel his light shaking.
I grip his hands, not removing them from me,
And lean back against his body.
We're safe my love, you and me.
In this, our tin can on black top Hades,
With the dancing tribe of pines
And the whistle of a disapproving god.
We're together, safe, as one.
My love, my life, my everything.
Copyright 2004
Author notes
In case you are wondering, the "tin can" is an armored truck. This poem was a brain fart while I was at work (in an armored truck) and I just wrote it down the best I could from memory. Note: "tin can" is one of the several nick names we have for the armored trucks in the business. "Iron pig" is also popular, but I didn't think it fit with the piece. LOL!
Note 2: Yes, I am aware the poem is long. I tend to not do short very often. And please remember, there are a lot of great works out there that are long enough to be novels, plays, etc...and they are poems. Yet amazing, famous works. So don't knock long.
Written October 14th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Prewrites Galore! by kavi.
300 points, ended May 31, 2005, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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i thought of teh eric clapton song...don't ask why...but ti is a lovely poem
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nice write
This was a very wonderful poem. I loved the imagery involved and if this is what you call a "brain fart" then OMG my work that i work so hard on must be crap! LOL
Neways great job and keep up the great work.
XOXO
~laura -
This was written so beautifully. You are Very good at painting pictures with words. I like how you changed the utter sadness around by including your special one in your "tin can" with you. Very good job! Hugs, Penny
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excellent
This took me back to a winter week in '95, riding alongside my love, in his truck, we toked and listened to music that we attached our own meaning to, in the snow and deserted park of Niagara falls we hurled little crane machine moppets over the railing into the semi frozen falls, saying "This represents all our previous heartaches..." gone, and the ride onward to Boston, it was his job, to retrieve change from the rest area vending machines...and mine was to help him count it, in the truck. It was the best week of the year, cold and sooty snow nonwithstanding...this inspired me to write a poem about that truck ride. Thank you thank you thank you! -
Beautiful
Wow, tin can was a great poem. Wonderful job -
This was a very descriptive and emotional piece. I loved it. You did a good job. And yes at first I was conffused on what was the tin can. but I read the comments and truely understand now. I like the way yoy twisted it up. To me it seemed as if you were lonely and scared in the begining. But as I continued on I read the brighter side of the poem. I useually don't like to read love poems but you did well emough on this one to catch my intrest. Good work!
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great job! i really enjoyed reading this. it was very beautifully written, nice work! good luck in the contest
:::love always:::
melodie -
This had some of the greates imagery. It is a picture that has been painted with words often, the sunset and the rain clouds at least, however very few, if any have painted it so well.
I definently felt like I could see the setting...and it takes a good writer to write descriptions so entrancing. The metaphor or similie or whatever of tin can for car seemed a bit strange, it made sense, but I didn't like it to much...
Besides that though I liked everything.
Certain lines stood out
When will the winds stop blasting
Cold gusts of empty promises
But they all contributed to a great poem -
Don't re-cycle this yet!!
Dear W B,
Just a very great poem, that's all!
At first I was reticent about reading a poem THAT LONG!
But could have assimilated a few more when I was done!
Most august write! Bravo, and good luck in the contest!
John-Las Vegas -
pretty good for a brain fart...my fav. part was:
He sighs, as if this all bores him,
So brave, but I feel his light shaking.
I grip his hands, not removing them from me,
And lean back against his body.
We're safe my love, you and me. :
really good job with writing it..a bit long..but a good read...
~*~blu~*~
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.. Well .. Its an awsome poem ,but its long and i dont like poems that are that long so i minus you a few points for that ..however thats personal to myself .. I give it a B
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interesting...i really thought it was going somewhere else at the beginning - i didn't expect the lover thing to come into it - i almost liked it better before that...but meh, it's coo
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wow thats good
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Well, honestly, I found this to have many exceptional moments...and I loved the expression 'tin can', lol. Had so many nice connotations involved here...really thought that was yummy!
However, I'd like to go ahead and say that I think this piece would be even stronger if two things were done here: 1. shorten some of the stanzas...mostly because I felt that by the middle part, the flow was starting to sag, and because it also was becoming a bit scattered, lol. And 2. to not use so many pronouns...that somehow makes it harder to connect emotionally with the piece. But overall, I have to say that I found this to be lovely and really enjoyed the tale.
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If this is what you come up with when you're having a brain fart, I can't wait to see what you do when try. Wonderfully written, thank you for entering the contest.
~whisper
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*11/10*
::is speechless::
(see Verdict) -
lol, brain fart I'm glad I got attracted by these two words, cause this is really a wonderfully written masterpiece!
Well done!
Keep up the good work!!
Leander -
good
Nice read .
His arms tighten about my body
As he guards me from the crashing lightening
And the crushing trees all around us.
I know nothing but him and his touch.
I know nothing but his breathing
Love this stanza -
very nicely written.
it's realistic and clear and concise
with some lovely description.
Great work!
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