I remember a story my uncle used to tell me
he told me many stories - some plausible
others were just old age psychotic rants
He'd try to get all philosophical (bless his heart for trying)
"Gregory my boy" (even though Derrek was my name),
"Life has some bizarre lessons. Nature can teach us
if you're willing to listen - I've heard it all
let me pass down my knowledge to you
When you're lost in the woods,
look to the sky
when you're looking for spiritual connections
connect to the earth
Last time I (meaning he)
was out in the forest and it was late
things become more clear when you're starved
overtired and all those wonderful things
I wandered for days...hours...for such a long time"
he went on to say,
"I sat near the swamp and as hope began to dwindle
I found myself talking to moss, trees and whatever came to eye
(Now I know my uncle has never been in a swamp)
I began talking to everything and nothing.
It was the spirit of the swamp that came to me,
she said, 'if ever you be in distress find a bullfrog'
why? I asked boldly and desperately
'Because bullfrogs are magickal'
So I knew that being near the swamp, I was sure to find a frog
I searched for hours, to no avail
as soon as I fell asleep I heard it
I'll never forget - the bullfrog was there on my forehead
That spirit was right about the magickal bullfrog!"
So I asked my uncle what was so magickal about bullfrogs
he quickly replied:
"Rarely do they do a thing. It wasn't all that magickal either
but after it ate the moss that had begun to grow over my eyelashes
it did the queerest thing - the bullfrog, it farted!
Then the sun came up - and I heard dogs in the distance
When you're about to be rescued, that's when it happens
and that my dear boy, is why bullfrogs fart"
When his mind started to slip more than his mouth
we knew it was time to have him put away
He actually took the time to listen to me
despite his twisted views and his shoes (on the wrong feet)
we loved him
but at least now, I know why bullfrogs fart!
Author notes
instead of the princess kissing the frog to find her prince, we have an uncle that's full of bull with his tales of frogs and their uses....AND THAT'S WHY BULLFROGS FART!
if you can't bedazzle them with your brilliance,
baffle them with your bullshit!
Written October 13th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- For all the class clowns. Make me laugh so hard that i fall out of my chair and you win by sawyer.
300 points, ended June 3, 2006, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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That's funny. I like it.
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'good luck in the contest
~~Sawyer' -
LOL every family has someone like this guy! glad you enjoyed the twist
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thank you so much for the comments and reading so much of my material! it's greatly appreciated
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Omg! I Don't know where to begine. I loved this sooo much! Specially the part where he calls you the wrong name. Happens alot in my family..lol I also loved the last lines of your author's comments. So true so true..you have baffled me completely. wonderful write!! much love!
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This was so funny Excellent! Thanks for entering the contest, and Good Luck. Luv Niky x
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That Uncle sounds hilarious!! Fantastic imagery, & very cleverly worded. I greatly enjoyed this piece.
Best of luck to you in the contest!! -
thank you very much! very appreciated!
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This was so doggone cute... Congratulations on the well deserved trophy!
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yeah I ran it through my spell check (set to canadian)
glad you liked the tail, and this uncle was probably one of the boys frog giggin in arkansas! -
I loved this whimsical little tale ...your uncle may even know the good old red-neck boys in Arkansas who go frog gigging and snile hunting
..you weave a clever little tale...be sure and run spellcheck after you write a piece...it just helps catch any tiny errors...sometimes I get hung up on the simplest words...write on my friend and I will read...good luck in the contest... freda
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Don't worry, I'm the same way. It's like we're immune to our own work even if we read it a thousand times.
And yes, that is what AP is supposed to be about, and I would want someone to do the same for me, but there are a select few who get offended easily or cannot take a critique. That's why I always try to gently point out the things I see wrong or off, and also point out what was great or promising. You never know how they'll take it. 
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I want to be a better writer - I can't always see my mistakes, I wrote it. That's why it makes sense to me!
isn't that what AP is supposed to be about?
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You are more than welcome. I always try to be honest without being negative. I'm glad you weren't offended.
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you know what, you're quite right about the quotes - took a look back over that the other day and was thinking about it!
and the recently is wordy - I agree!
alright - consider it fixed
thank you for your helpful feedback -
Okay let's get the critiquing out of the way first....I would go back through and place your quotation marks in the correct places or remove them. They are kind of sporadic. And in the line,
(Now I know my uncle has never
been in a swamp recently)
I would either change never to not, or take out recently. I would lean towards taking out recently.
Now that that's out of the way you are a talented story teller. I really, really liked this. There was humor, (I loved the line about him calling you by the wrong name), there was sadness, (the ending made me feel like I myself loved the old man), and I captured the feel of the characters through your words. Superbly written.
Thank you for entering the contest.
~Denise -
I thought you did a fine job telling your tall tale. I couldn't help but laugh and I though the part about calling you Gregory even though your name is Derrek was hilarious. Good luck in the contest!
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I found this an entertaining story, and it was a pleasure to read it. Old people have many odd experiences, and some of them are instructive still, though maybe not this one.
I noticed the spelling errors too.
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Reminds me of my grandfather, actually
Interesting story, and quite a good write; very descriptive. However, I recommend that you go over it and check your spelling. 
Rock On!
~Tal~ -
This is a clever story that you have told us. I laughed because I know a lot of people that tell the good old whoppers like that. I think you captured their essence nicely.
~ John
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.....sss...what is that smell??
LOL...that must have been alooong sleep for the moss to acumulate in uncle's forehead, enought for the bullfrog to snoopy by and have a late lunch...ahhh.such fine delicatessen...but darn..those %$@%$!% dogs they won't let me eat my lunch whole!!..gotta run, gotta run..but I'm to heavy to leap again into the faithful swamp..oh dear..oh dear..the bloody hounds are getting near!!! 
..ok..try this..1...2...3...MMMPHH!! (FARTS!!)...yay!!! just in time..that was funny indeed...no wonder uncle woke up..i'm glad he didn't passed out with the smelly remains...best of wishes for the contest..you had also a really great story-telling like quality...almost saw every picture, grin, gesture and background scenery with it ~ Juan Pablo Anguas
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frogs fart back
well there is no uncle like this (although i have one that is pretty crazy) that and my real name is kryspin and im not a boy lol
glad you were amused -
Okay, this is just weird. LOL Very entertaining. I enjoyed this. Your uncle sounds like a good guy. {if there really is an uncle that is. lol} Great job on this.
~*Destiny*~ -
Oh, this was very entertaining and creative. I love the story and all the references to your uncle. I especially liked;
"When you're lost in the woods,
look to the sky
when you're looking for spiritual connections
connect to the earth"
Nicely done, enjoyed this!
~ Wendy
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LMFAO
this was hilarious! glad to know the answer to that question, (why bullfrogs fart) never gonna need it, but hey...as you said if you can't bedazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit! lol
very funny right here -
LOL!! OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO DAMN FUNNY! great job!
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smelly@
im not sure if bullfrogs fart! lol it was a line in the contest listings (o0o0oh options) and chose that one because something amusing came to mind!
maybe they do...or dont who knows? -
LOL. Um... I don't know exactly what to say about this one, or even what I COULD say. It's funny, in a twisted sort of way. LOL. I never even knew bullfrogs farted before... odd, since I live in Mississippi and I go to Louisiana pretty often and I have been on a few swamp tours, but I still never knew that! WOW. Anyway, thanks for sharing. keep it up.
~Miranda
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thought provoking
Bullfrogs fart?...dude Ive been awoken. My whole life ive been blind. But now I know. Cool write, I learned something from it. Lol -
cool. I always wondered about that. I'll share this with my friends for sure.
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