Looking back we reflect upon our past mistakes
perfection in our adult years what we all hope to achieve
so much opportunity appearing for our taking
then the moment comes for realization,
we realize it was all dreams unto ourselves to deceive
...I am but a shadowed image
a wraith I've become of what I hoped not to be
shrouded in my splintered dreams I've become lost
tangled within myself, the hopeless bottomless sea
Often I had fought,
trying to above the drowning tide rise
bubbling forth came many a promising breath,
only to be stifled within its self, each respiration
within each rode a penchant stench,
the stench was of a failure's death
Moment after moment the memories would fade,
each became eventually lost
falling faster into bittersweet oblivion,
each a form of falling chilled rain
withering then dried, each would become
hidden amongst those showers a final kiss, irony and pain
My eyes a reflective glassy surface,
both but a seer's pools
deeper I would look for who I had become,
going deep within the frigid depths of my soul
sorrowed were those reflecting pools
captured in their myriad stare lied the turmoiled whole
This facade I placed upon myself,
when will it find light or perhaps even end
searching, wondering and pondering I only become further lost
frozen within the confines of a failure's husk,
my senses turn comfortably numb
within them the realization that rides to soon that final touch of frost
(c)2004
~Nikki~
Author notes
Written October 11th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Honest Critques In Exchange For Your Best by onerios13.
500 points, ended October 17, 2004, 78 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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LOL. I charge 10.00 an hour for cleaning lady duties!
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Hmmm I crack you up...Ohhhhh Ana Anasuya clean up of Onerios in aisle 4!
ROFL
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LOL...gurl, you crack me up! lol Yeah, live and learn, eh?
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Oh I know after looking at this one about twenty times myself now I want to cower under my computer but ummm to bad the desk space down below was not made for plus size people! LOL
I actually tinkered with it before I posted it and now I am thinking maybe I should not have tinkered at all. AWK well I have written and learned on this one!
~Nikki~ -
Well, hon, to be honest, I didn't feel as impressed as I did about your other entries...mostly because I felt that you abandoned the notion of creativity for the safety of more oft-used imagery to denote one's feeling of lost and bewilderment, lol. I mean, don't get me wrong...I was there all the way with ya on the emotionally level, cause lord and lady knows I've had my fair share of drowning in the seas of my so-called life, lol, but again, nothing about this stuck out in poetic sense, lol...well, except for that last line...yeah, that punched! lol
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Nikki, I'm very sorry, I can't get past the reversed syntax to the meaning here. For example, "trying to above the drowning tide rise" is not reversed for a rhyme, so for what? I'm stuck puzzling about the grammar. Maybe I'm just lazy, or tired, or cranky for some reason, please forgive me.
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I had to read this quite a few times (about 10) before I started sinking into the depths of what you were sharing. I sensed a great deal of emotion emanating from a conflict even deeper than your words... Somewhat like a painting over another painting. The intricacy of you collection of words forced me to stop thinking and rather start looking and feeling... quite a journey. This is one of those works that can send the debate of interpretation in many different directions. For me, what appears to have started as a statement, turned and closed in a question directed at yourself... If that means anything to you I'd like to hear your comments.
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It sucked.
LOL> Just kidding! tee hee. Actually, I thought it was quite good. I especially liked the second stanza for some reason, which just jumped out and grabbed me and had me continuously going back to it even after I read the whole poem. I think this piece could do with some editing in the sense of all those unnecessary words, like pronouns and prepositions, which would create a tighter flow and really create a more impactful message. But overall, it was enchanting. -
i am sry but i dndt understand man i must not be that great at this or somthing im english illetrate i guess i jsut didnt get the just of the poem at all fro some reason no offense and all but can yo sexplain it to me if yo could so helpfully tell me what is means im sorry for not leaving a help comment
sry -
perhaps the right buoy might have saved you form swirling in the depths of despair, or a lifeline to a higher power, but even that comes with freewill and one can sever the tie that binds and later reknot it, perhaps we were meant to be tossed in the tempest all our lives to see if we would rise above, or just float lazily or sink forever and be lost. it is an eternal question and an eternal quest to find a dream and realize it and live it daily with a grin that is permanently fixed or so it would seem...best to you on the rest of your fording the waters of life....Artis
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