single star blazes
away from heaven’s abyss
home - to earth’s embrace
Patricia Gibson-Williams
Author notes
The first line of this gave me fits. I changed it quite a few times and I'm still not sure I picked the best option; so here are my other two top choices:
boundless star blazes
lonesome star blazes
Let me know what you think. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. ~ Patti ~
Written October 11th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- ~ haiku ~ 13 hour contest ((CLOSED)) by FifthDove.
300 points, ended October 11, 2004, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Very few master the restrictions of a haiku and even when they do the text is often lame, this however is beautiful a celestial theme ended cleverly and totally without cliche.
I applaud you. -
I would have but it's too many syllables. It's a great word though and maybe I will have to write another using it. Thank you for you suggestions. Patti
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I always love to read the author’s comments on their work when they have something there. I would recommend leaving this one just the way it is. The other two choices just didn’t hit me as right. Would you consider using the word “solitary,” rather than “single” in that first line? All-in-all, this was a nicely penned Haiku.
~ John
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I prefer lonesome myself but single does work wonderfully as well. Wonderful description.
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Paints a beautiful picture of a star.Great description. Great Write.
James -
Ooohhh very pretty! I love the use of descriptive words in this, it was very beautiful. Well done.
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I have to agree with the masses. I like the one chose but doggone if the others aren't just as wonderful. Very nice haiku! I can see I need to study your work a little. Great job!
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I am a star gazer. They do blaze in the heavens. This is breathtaking! Good luck!
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very beautiful, i can see the lone twinkle star, nice write
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wow i love stars and this is beautiful just like they are
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Nope nope, I like the line you're currently uses verses the other two choices you provided in your author comments. I liked the flow of these lines, which melded together perfectly in the finished product. Paints a lovely picture.
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Ahhh. Home is where the heart is OR is that "home is where the haiku is". Very nice imagry - gave me a peaceful feeling. I believe you chose the perfect 1st line. Thanks for the entry
Cindy
Edited on Oct 11, 9:59 because ''. -
A nice little 'ku, with some lovely imagery. I would remove the hyphen from L3...it breaks the flow, and isn't really needed for grammer and interrupts the pacing.
Thanks for sharing this one, and good luck in the contest.
s' monk -
i like it as single, lonesome was a good one though too, but i think single yes. nice poem, our little planet here searching for company, where's the life from other stars.
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I thought this was a beautiful write. I really liked the first line like it was but I also thought the other choices would work really great too. If you are going to change it I'd go with the "boundless start blazes". Really great imagery and a good flow. Thanks for sharing.
Elisabeth
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