The cloak-wearing men captured the youth,
blindfolded the brave one, brought the hunter
by ways well-hidden, winding and narrow,
to a dark-shadowed grove deep in the forest.
They unbound his eyes; he blinked in the light
~ ~ ~
To a tall tree they tied the captive,
bound the boy firmly to the bark of the oak.
They brought out bows, bent them at him
- the unfree one had no fear of the flight of arrows.
Six they sent flying swift to the target,
yet the piercing points pained him not at all.
First in his foot a feathered thing stuck;
a second to his sight-giver - his seeing did not fail! -
swift and straight it struck his eye.
~ ~ ~
The biggest then spoke of the black-cloaked ones:
'Your courage has kept you, keen as you wander,
from hurt or harm, bold hunter of elk,
by these arrows of ours, artfully made.'
Author notes
Plainly this is not a finished poem. I actually started working on it in late 1999 or early 2000, and did quite a bit of work on it in autumn 2001, but then I basically didn't work on it at all until now, when I've done a little more work. I'd like to come back to it at some point and make it into a coherent whole. The story came to me one day and it seemed like it would be best told in poetry rather than prose. I hope I can still remember the story, otherwise I'll hafta reinvent it. The metre is inspired by Old English alliterative poetry, but I'm sure it doesn't follow all the Old English rules. Some rules that it does follow:
Each line has two half-lines (separated by 5 spaces).
Each half-line has two stressed syllables, which are relevant to alliteration.
In the first half-line of each pair, at least one stressed syllable carries alliteration, and ideally both.
In the second half-line of each pair, the first stressed syllable carries alliteration, and the second shouldn't.
All vowels alliterate with each other, but /st/ only alliterates with /st/, /sp/ with /sp/, (and /sk/ with /sk/, though Old English didn't really have /sk/).
When I was first working on it, I was taking a class in Old English and had the opportunity to read Old English poetry, so I got the flavour of it in my head and could write alliteratively fairly easily. I suspect that I'd hafta re-immerse myself in Old English before I could write alliteratively again without too much trouble.
Written October 10th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
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I agree with your first commenter, this reads more like a story than a poem. I think the way you have written this is going to leave most readers confused. If you are writing for a selected audience then an old world style seems appropriate; however, if you are looking for wider acceptance as a poet, you might consider reviseing the brisque grammar and diction. Just some thoughts.
Edited on May 05, 11:21 because ''. -
Yes I realized after I wrote the first impression. Like I said in the last comment I decided to keep it there so you could benefit from the first impression of an uninformed reader. I've read some old english poetry, but I'm not sure what you mean by ancient poetry.
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Thanks, elune24, for your comments.
The spaces in the middle of every line are the usual convention in modern editions of Old English poetry, which this was inspired by. In a sense, the half-lines are separate units, so it feels right to me to separate them visually in some way.
The sections separated by ~ ~ ~ aren't exactly stanzas, they're fragments. If I ever get around to finishing this, there will be more material in the intervening spaces.
Have you ever read any ancient poetry? I think the sense of what's poetic has likely changed over time. -
I am going to offer you my opinions in this little critique. I noticed that you posted in the “people who want Real critique” forum so I thought I was do my share.
The first thing I notice about this piece is that you put space in the middle of every line. I really don’t understand that and I think it distracts from the piece itself.
The second thing I notice is it reads like a paragraph in a book. The descriptions are great but I feel like I’m reading a prose piece rather than a poem. That being said, it’s the beginning of an interesting story and after reading it I was keen to know what happened next.
Also I don’t think it necessary to separate the stanzas with ‘~ ~ ~’.
I liked your use of descriptive words and your talent for creating a scene.
Keep writing. I hope this helped.
P.S. Since I read the description of this piece, I see that what you did has a rhyme and reason to it, however I am still going to keep my first opinions so you may benefit from them. Since that is what I honestly thought upon reading the piece without prior knowledge of your intentions.
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