I sit and look out my window
shaking hands tracing the wooden frame
so alike, so kindred I think
as the window reminds me of my heart
So smooth and slippery they both are
each covered in their own form of paint
one faded red and peeling, the other fresh thick red and bleeding
each with it's own sad stories to tell
One naturally chipped and peeling almost beyond repair
the other unnaturally tainted and cracked almost beyond repair
both mirrored yet transparent if one cared enough to look
so sad it truly is that "sticks or stones" could shatter them both
(c)2003
~Nikki~
EDITED VERSION AS OF OCTOBER 8, 2004
I sit alone sorrowed looking out my window
with tear stained face,
shaking hands trace the wooden frame
how alike, so kindred I think
this old window reminds me of my heart
Each smooth yet slippery
weathered and fading,
both covered in their own form of paint
one faded red and peeling, the other fresh thick red and bleeding
they each with saddened sagas to tell
One naturally chipped and peeling beyond repair
the other unnaturally tainted and cracked beyond repair
nonchalant myriad spectacles, false appearances
both mirrored yet transparent if one cared enough to look
sad it truly is that "sticks and stones" could shatter them both
(c)2004
~Nikki~
Author notes
This is an old piece that I felt worthy to bring back to life here. I hope all who read it enjoy it!
*October 8, 2004
At the request of a reader I am keeping the original above the edited version!
Written October 7th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Honest Critques In Exchange For Your Best by onerios13.
500 points, ended October 17, 2004, 78 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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No kidding... sticks and stones can still do some heavy damage to one's ego even if it can't be so readily seen to take aim at. Best to stash it safely behind that heart so it remains out of reach of the both of you. That window must be double pained.
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You know, I think that I like the original better, lol. Mostly because it was simplier, something that I think works best when trying to depict a very personal introspective moment. However, both still gripped me lovingly, and the use of faded and chipped paint stirs something deep within my breast...this was a lyrical wonder, balanced with intensity and an almost indifferent dialoge casually flung at the feet of readers. You were able to convey something that is truly difficult to do in life...and that is to paint a portrait of an unexplanable second in life.
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to be honest, I can't seem to decide which version is best. I like them both.
the comparisons are great, and the descriptions are interesting.
well done, and good luck to you in the contest.
~ Lea -
I particularly LOVE the middle stanza. That just came out beautifully. In the first stanza, try cutting a few more words. You have:
I sit alone sorrowed looking out my window
with tear stained face,
shaking hands trace the wooden frame
how alike, so kindred I think
this old window reminds me of my heart
Now try it like this:
Alone and sorrowed, looking out the window
with tear stained face
shaking hands trace wooden frames
how alike, so kindred I think (wonderful line!)
this window mirrors my heart
Something like that, which might make it tighter. Honestly though... I just love the feelings I get reading this. And these suggestions are purely for those readers who like the eye-candy of a tight write.
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personally I think it's fresh look at an old piece.
much of many old peices have one thinking ...
what the hell did I just read?
because of old language that has no interpetation to it...
leaving one in a quander. no quantification of what they are saying. yet in this...it's in plain english.
Well done!
Bill
Edited on Oct 08, 10:13 p.m. because ''. -
This truely says a lot. Most of all, its the truth. Nice write, continue on strong.-kris
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Hmmm am having a sort of dyslexic night here, and been a long day with some really whiny PITA patients!
I did not even realize I did that little word reversal in the edited version until you pointed it out...so it is corrected back to where it should have stayed! Thank You!
~Nikki~ -
I must say that it was the title that gripped me at first. This is a wonderful piece, I'm glad you pulled it out and dusted it off and gave it a touch up. The only criticism I have to offer is constructive, I promise. The line "shaking hands the wooden frame trace"... I think it would read better as, "shaking hands trace the window frame." The first just didn't feel right to me as a reader. I have to congratulate you as well for not using the word 'crimson' in this poem. I have issues with that word.
I'm just weird like that.
~Bezoar -
i have a poem similar to this, glass always makes me think of the fragile self, heart especially. i have often thougth the rivers of rain on a pane reflect the ribbons of vessels in teh heart...anyway, wonderful job.
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it's fun to see the original and revised versions. i like the original better. the revised, in my opinion, has words added that take away from the central theme while the original is simpler and still profound. those kinds are the best. nice work!
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Windows to the soul are sometimes the most damaged things to restart , You just want to crawl under your soles and wait for your heart to mush out like an old used up dish towel. There's a lot going on here in such a small , Perfectly articulated space , One that makes the reader jump from thought to thought without once stopping and saying " What the hell did I just read? ". This is a no nonsense sort of poem and I like that. To be honest I like to read deep and simple poetry and this falls into both categories quite spiffy. I think it's marvelous the way it is and even if you have to re-work with this in the future , You should keep this original...It's very high up on my scale of likes. I can't help but want to read it again and again. Niecly put together and good luck in the contest.
Love to you and good will ,
James
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Hmmm ok now does this mean I am done in the contest, I get to edit and or I get to post another???
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Hmm... with lines like "almost beyond repair"... try leaving out the word "almost". Any word like "almost", "even", "just"... those are all pretty much unnecessary in poetry, because you don't want to SPEAK your thoughts... otherwise it would be prose with interesting line breaks. lol. Beautiful imagery with the line "the other fresh thick red and bleeding". Bleeding is a word that is used WAY too often, but this isn't a cutting-I'm-dying poem, so it definitely fits and adds a nice contrast to the feel of marble and stone, especially with that picture in the background. I liked it. I'd just try to trim the unnecessary words out of it to add more impact to it as a whole.
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Wow. This is a rich, discriptive, imaginative piece that's charged with emotions. I really like this, and I think that I may even understand it a little,
Anyway... great job on this. Keep up the good work and keep those enigmas rollin'!
Shadowdragon -
what a terrific way to describe your heart. I would never have thought of that. this is a great poem! As usual you have created another wonderful piece although I had a hard time keeping a flow and rythem with this one but it still says alot and has a great description!
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whOOt! what a fantastic way to describe your heart. I would never have thought of that. this is a great poem, rich and thoughtfull and beautifull.
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I wouldn't have described my heart this way, but your feeling is what it is, and I'm trying to understand the metaphor. The images are rich and clear. This is a thought provoking poem.
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i love the sticks and stones idea! that makes the entire poem what it is. scence this apparently was entered for an honest critique contest, ill be honest and say i like the idea, but i cant find a strong flow to it, but that could just be me. anyway, im glad i got to read this poem, and i hope you continue to come up with such original ideas to write on!
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wow! I really liked this! It really took me into another world! lol...The expression in this was great! Everything was just SpiFfy! great job! you better keep up the good work!! Much Love and Beautiful Sorrow, <3<3 Jacqueline Dyan <3<3
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