So its 12 am by now

So its 12 am by now
what does that mean?
I have school tomarrow....
.... or i should say in 8 hours
I dont care


Do i care about anything
..............not really
My one dream...I think its dying
If i lose hold of that
why on earth should i stay here?
Yes, im thinking about suicide
I mean, truthfully, who would miss me?
My friends maybe
But i would be their tragic story
a reminder what its like when u cant cope anymore
And truthfully if i lose that tie
    This dream ive had forever
what would hold me to this place?
Some vague form of duty?
Or just my cowardice?
.............................Im scared
Not of death
that is inevitable for all
no, im scared of the pain
the brief discomfort of blade biting into my flesh
Such a chicken shit i am
if i become numb again i would slit my wrists
God, what is wrong with me???
I have so much in front of me
.......except someones love
                      am i so dependent?
I exist without someone loving me....
....dont i?
I dont want to
I want to belong to someone
I live to be in love
Or in lust at least.
i just want someone i can... Touch
                                          Hug
                                            Kiss
and much more some days, lol
But how would touch me?
*chuckles*
yeah
go ahead
tell me im pretty if u want
I know im not
Whats wrong with me???
Do i have so little self-esteem?
And im lost
Someone save me

I always wanted to be the heroine
the healer
the angel of grace
and now i think ill be nothing
"a waste of paint"
Whats wrong??
Why does the future seemed sullied now?
All i did was dream.....
............is that it?
I put my heart into the hands of something so....
.................................................
what is the word?
Not fragile, but close
O god, does it matter?
I am nothing now
A collection of liquids
   tears
and blood
what a fool to think that everything
"will just get better"
I dont have the energy to care
...........do i?
I could keep going
                          and going
                                        and going
until i fall again
but what would that say about me?
                            "o, shes just depressed"
no
no, im tired beyond reason
im done crying
what a dream that was
I want to run away and live in sin!
                                             LMAO
no
i want someone to care
i want someone to protect me
(so old fashioned)
How about this...
I want to have a life!
no, that is not it either
haha
I want...
humans r so selfish
I want to give someone everything i am
  ...what a lousy gift...
But honestly, i want to belong to someone

To wake up sunday mornings wrapped up into sheets and warm arms
To watch the waves crash against the shore at night, and lean back into a his body for a hug, and a kiss
To watch a scary movie and have someone laugh when i have behind the pillows and offer to save me
To see his face after a stressful day and watch him smile when i walk into the room, probably remembering something that would make me blush
To have someone who would watch me dance in the rain
and maybe join me....
Yeah
        the perfect relationship
is that really so much to ask for?
                                       lol
Right now i would cry if i wasnt so tired
Besides, what help would crying bring?
And i guess suicide wouldnt bring help either?
for death may end the problem
it also ends all chances of happiness
Pain                vs.               Possible Joy
seems its been thins battle that i will forever wage
But, if i die
           what would i miss?
Yes, pain, agony, suffering, those would vanish
so would laughter, joy, love and happiness!
so.............
I survived the night
But how many more times before i forget about
those flickering flames of hope?
100 nights?
              1000?
                           1?
Shut up Jiselle!


Its time to sleep
And maybe ill get a new dream...

Maybe...
Its the unanswered questions that make this so painful
The waiting
The uncertainty