When will I learn, once and for all,
that sadness always follows anger?
I am attacked for my thoughts, my beliefs,
and I attack back indignantly.
I "win" the argument, or think that I do,
and feel vindicated.
But the sadness always rushes back in.
Always.
I don't want to hurt anyone,
not really.
And if there is no communication,
nobody wins.
I clobbered a mugger once,
beat him half to death.
It was him or me, after all.
And for a little while,
I felt elated that I was still standing.
But the sadness rushed back in again
that it had to happen at all.
I get angry in traffic, then feel like a fool
for letting a stranger control my emotions.
I get angry with my loved ones
for knowing where my buttons are.
I get angry with strangers
for doing things I wouldn't,
then realize that,
in my condemnation,
I am not much better.
But there is something deeper in all this.
All the hurts of a lifetime
rising up.
The boy inside, still wounded,
determined not to be hurt again.
The most dangerous people in this world
are boys hiding in men's bodies.
It is an undignified way to live.
There is no virtue in instability.
To be the plaything of others
is to be dishonored.
To be constantly on the defense
because of injuries in the distant past
is voluntary imprisonment.
In my finer moments,
I preach peace and understanding,
trying to convince myself more than anyone else,
with the rancid odor of hypocrisy on my own breath,
the disease within finding its way out.
I want peace in this world
but can't hold on to it consistently
in my own life.
My close friends tell me I'm not that bad,
that I am very kind to people,
that we're all our own worst critics, etc.
But I know the rage and cynicism
that pollutes my soul.
I know it very well.
And I wish I could vomit it up,
all of it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it anymore.
It has never served me.
It is the source of my sadness.
The world is what it is.
People are what they are.
They are not to blame.
They are not to blame.
God, give me the strength
to be the person
my friends believe me to be;
the person who is fearless,
limitless and free,
somewhere beneath the anger.
Author notes
Written October 7th, 2004
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Thank you for entering! Amazing purely amazing. I love your expression of anger as a burden and a curse. Not many in this comp have written like that.
Good Luck!!
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Thanks! It means a lot to me to get a review as positive as that on a poem as personal as this one. I opened a vein writing this one. lol
Take care,
Mark
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Cherylline,
I was just checking some past comments and found this wonderful one from you. Thank you so much. And yes, this was definitely a catharsis to write. I felt like I had actually lost weight when I was done. haha
I hope your new year is going well so far. May all your dreams come true in 2006.
Mark
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Wow! Thanks so much for letting me know that. I appreciate you sharing my poems with your friends. That has always been one of the greatest things to me about writing - hearing about poems helping people that I don't even know. There's nothing better than that. I'm sure you know what I mean because you obviously like to help people become happier when you can, too. I hope things work out for your friend. As I mentioned in this poem, I know the damage being cynical and skeptical can do to the soul. It protects us from pain but it also makes us invisible to the life-lovers like ourselves and ultimately leads to loneliness and despair.
Thanks again, my friend, for thinking enough of my work to share it with your loved ones, and for letting me know it had a positive effect. It really does mean a lot to me.
Mark -
I got a rush today. My best friend, who carries an immense personal load, thanked me for emailing this poem. He thought every line was speaking to him right where he lived. He thought I knew or was lead by God to send it. I was trying a simpler technique (Im an neophyte on computer) and thought the lines about people being what they are might help him as he is often ashamed to be human. He is a gifted sceptic and says he is ready to become a christian and has asked me to help him. Thanks so much for making yourself transparent, vulnerable, humble, and leading the way.
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The most famous guy said something like, blessed are the meek. Meek is misunderstood; it means power under control. I am most impressed by your heart-goals.
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This wonderful poem, then you go doin train katas and littering the sidewalk. No, No, No!
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Thanks, Al. See, I'm not a complete prick. (Not all the time, anyway.) lol
Mark
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This shows me another side of you, fine work which holds a truth that we all need to contemplate. -Al
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excellent job!
Oh Mark..another wonderfull piece of art ...this is such personal thing to share and that what made it beautifull because it is coming straight from your heart..
Mark,we all have the bad and good side on us..and as you said to someone above,as long as the good side shows more that is the most important thing..because people do judge us from out not from the inside..so what ever you give..you get it back..
I loved this poem ..and im enjoying reading your work ..and you don't stop amazing me with your beautifull work. -
sad, and full of meaning..i enjoyed this, you captivated my interest
though as a poem, a little bit choppy around the edges, but other than that, good job
Jen
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Your only human sweetie, and sometimes thats all you can be.
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another awesome write. the lines that really stuck out to me were
God, give me the strength
to be the person
my friends believe me to be;
the person who is fearless,
limitless and free,
this is what i wish too. i think every one can relate to this. every one knows the deepest darkest parts of themselves and they wish to be rid of them and always be the person that their friends' see. keep on penning man!!!!!
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this sounds like a very personal piece, and to write it out and share it with so many others from practically everwhere where there is the Internet, is what i think a remarkably heroic thing to do - like sharing a deep, dark secret. i suppose it was a catharsis of sorts for you...but it was also brilliantly well written! you managed to convey a great deal of what you felt inside, 'beneath the anger', and get us readers to feel it as well, empathising with you. if you don't believe me just look at how many impassioned responses you got for the poem above...i'm sure we've all at one point in our lives felt like this, critical and full of bitterness...and then we look outside and see inside (as you so quaintly put it in another poem of yours, 'looking outside and looking within') and it all becomes clear again.
you captured so much in this piece - a bubbling, very real mass of feelings and thoughts that fall into a random order kind of like abstract art - powerful, sometimes personal, and vivid. it makes one feel undeserving of the label poet, when there are such master poets like you around. -
So many have said so much...that I feel like there isn't much to say. Of course that won't stop ME!!!
Actually, I will keep it short though. I agree with what others have said. We all have our dark times...the times we feel so bad inside that we want to jump out and smack others up side the head!! Our actions are what make us who we are. We grow wiser as we grow older...we don't just grow older. That was something I didn't understand until I hit about forty.
This was very well done...don't be so hard on yourself, but writing IS a good way of getting through things.
Cheryl
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Glad to have 'been there' for ya, my Friend...hehehe 
Some Kind Soul bought me a three~month preferred member ship...LOL Now I can emphasize to my Heart's content!!! 
Besides, I like them lil' smiley dudes!!! (I know, you are 
shocked & 
dismayed at my torture of the English language!!!) LOL Aw, jus' pickin' atcha!!! You know I do know better!!! My Friend, we may 'only' be 'virtural' Friends...but tell ya what, my Happy Wandering Friend...if ya ever show up in OKC...or if I ever got to where you are...I would take ya out for coffee!!! I know we would have much to discuss...if not, we can always throw quotes at each other!!! LOL...I am here for you, Mark...anytime, Sir... Wanda
Edited on Oct 07, 1:45 p.m. because ''. -
Hi Becky,
Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. That's one of the greatest gifts we can give each other, I think. As long as the good side comes out on top more often than not, we'll both be okay.
Thanks again. I hope all is well with you.
Mark -
Master Don,
Thank you VERY much for your response on this. It was so full of powerful ideas, I read it several times.
The debate over Iraq yesterday was definitely the impetus for this poem, but it actually comes from something deeper. My main emotion during all the arguing over Iraq wasn't anger so much as it was incredulity that anyone can think taking out monsters like Hussein and The Taliban was a bad idea, or that they could get bogged down in details about bad intelligence, etc., when so much suffering was ended. I'm amazed that they don't hear the lack of compassion for humanity in their isolationist views, and it actually damages my faith in people a little. But this poem is really a product of something deeper - a tendency I had in the past and still have, though to a lesser degree, to get annoyed over little things. When I was younger, I saw something ignorant and negative everywhere I looked. I demanded the utmost respect from everyone and got violently angry if I didn't get it. It suddenly dawned on me at around the age of 30 or so that I was addicted to conflict and that if I was ever going to be happy with any consistency (and stay out of jail, lol), I had to do something about it. One of the most profound realizations I ever made was that it had almost nothing to do with others. There are definitely weiners in this world but it was my choice how I reacted to them, or didn't. And 90% of the conflict in my life arose from my own inner disharmony, and what I chose to focus on.
There's an old saying, "When unhappy, one doubts everything. When happy, one doubts nothing." In my case, that was absolutely true. When I was happy, I didn't notice all the BS around me. When I was unhappy, everybody seemed to be an arse and it was a good thing I didn't have access to the "red button" under the White House. lol
But as I've grown older, I've felt a kind of purification happening in my soul. I've become more acceptant of human beings and all their faults and foibles, including my own. It's been like a painful disease gradually leaving my body, because being negative, cynical, distrustful, hateful, etc., is painful. Even at my lowest points, though, I never treated people unkindly, but there was something dark and ugly beneath the surface in me, a poison I willingly ingested over and over, and it caused nothing but disharmony in my heart. A more devout Christian than I am would have thought it was the devil himself. That's how bad it was.
I think I have finally overcome my own darkness. I'm more free now than ever before, but I've got to keep my guard up because the enemy is still hiding in there, weak but dangerous, like a little terrorist who strikes the moment I forget that I don't see things as they are, I see them as I am. There is ignorance in the world, and I agree completely that it's okay to get emotional. The only thing I worry about is letting the anger in too deeply, like I did in the past. When the "insular Tahiti" we all need to have deep inside to stay sane in this world gets polluted, too - that's the beginning of the end.
Anyway, your response on this was the best I've received on any poem, ever. I'm so glad I wrote this just so I could read it. Thanks for the encouragement and for letting me know I'm succeeding in the battle against my lower nature. Your wise words are always gold to me. Gold.
Mark -
Mark, I know what you mean. I'm not that nice all the time either. You should hear me (hm, not a good idea to let you hear) when I really get angry, I can make an Italian sailor blush with the words that come out of my mouth...lol. Of course, I do that in Portuguese to protect my neighbors innocence We all have a Dr. Hyde somewhere inside of us, you are not alone.
You be well and smile
Mari
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Hi Mike,
"Opinions and self judgement are the burdens of intelligence and concious beings."
That comment alone made the effort of writing this poem worthwhile. Thank you.
Mark -
Hi Mariza,
I should have called this poem "Confessions of a Recovering Conflict Addict" because when I was younger, I had a lot of contempt for humanity and saw examples of ignorance everywhere I looked - people littering, talking down to their children, mistreating animals, driving recklessly, etc., etc. Of course, that tendency does not make for deep happiness and peace. lol I have become more and more acceptant of humanity as I've aged, but every now and then, that old habit rears it's ugly head again and I have to smack it down again so I can be happy. That's where this poem came from.
Though I've written a few rants here (See poem The Rant to End All Rants" - lol) where I vented my cynical side, I try to suppress it most of the time and write uplifting poems. And of course, your wonderful nature brings out the best in me so you don't see the Mr. Hyde lurking within. lol But I do appreciate you letting me know how you perceive me. At least I know the good side is winning.
Thanks, dear friend.
Mark -
Hi Wanda,
Thanks so much for all that you said. You leave the greatest responses (and most interesting looking! lol) I'm blessed to have friends like you, even if only in this virtual world. Thanks for being there.
Mark -
Hi Anna,
You're right, I was feeling a bit dark when I wrote this. Sometimes we just have to release the dam.
Thanks for your kind comment. It's always good to hear from you. I hope you are doing well.
Mark
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Ah, Mark, Don's response was so dead on - and we all have our little dark thoughts, our deepest and most sinful desires - and we keep all this very closed up because we figure, hey, if anyone knew what I was REALLY thinking, they would hate me. In reality, we are all having those thoughts and feelings, those things we can't really control as far as their comings and goings - what we CAN control is what we do with that thought or feeling. Sometimes it slips out, rears its ugly head, gets through the front line of defenses, but when the doing is done, we tuck it back in and say thank God we survived that little disaster! Being a good man, an honorable man, doesn't mean being a perfect man. Sometimes we falter a bit, but when we get to the end of each day, we can look back and say, oh yes, I faltered, but I fixed that I hope!
I felt such a gut wrenching while reading this, but couldn't leave without commenting. You wrote it beautifully - and it makes me want to cry.
~ becky -
haha.... why am I not surprised to see this poem? Hey, all feelings, all emotions within the human being are normal. Did you ever want to kill someone? I wanted to once. It's how we treat those emotions in the end that defines our character. Sometimes, people are simply arses and it's ok really to identify that... as long as you don't hate. Sometimes, people are really rude and indignant..... and it's ok to point that out to them..... as long as you don't hate. There's several levels to our beings.... the surface level of our daily lives is one... and that one from time to time says its little thing... and it is ok. Another one is where hate and prejudices exist and that's the one we need have a guardian keep track of. The problem is - our guardian is the external one and sometimes that guardian lets our inner being get away with murder. lol..... Ah.. we live and move on. In a million years we'll never mention it ... keep that in mind. Nothing you have ever done is of cosmic disappointment or otherwise, really... same for me and everyone. Having some good old fashioned rough house verbiage is an ok thing. lol... everyone does it from time to time. But what identifies our personalities is our consistencies. If we spout off occassionally... well, that's blowing steam.... having some poignant fun.... but if we do it every moment of our life.... well, then... that's a problem.
You are a very passionate, sensitive protective individual. People adore you and enjoy those aspects of your personality. Then, you blast someone over their inane political poem because they are obviously missing some gray matter.... and that's ok. It's just dandy. Cuz, you're not really trying to hurt them but kind of sword fight with them to get them to open their sealed shut eyeballs... and they can be frustrating!!!! Oh man, I have had it out with a couple people over the years. I make it right in the end.... but I'm always glad I took them on. It's natural.... as long as there isn't hate.
Well Mark..... you don't have hate anywhere in your body. Don't be so hard on yourself. So, move on from these thoughts and just keep being you.... a wonderful talented you... in my opinion.
Take care and keep up the good fight. You have to tell a few liberals off once in awhile!!!!!!! lol Just funning around folks..... don't IM me with angry responses.... I'm just kidding... hahahaaaa
whew... that was close.... almost got myself in trouble! See how easy it is?
take care friend,
"M" B
Edited on Oct 07, 3:08 because 'clarity'. -
contemplative
your words describe what we all are
human
without our vices and mores we would not be we, opinions and self judgement are the burdens of intelligence and concious beings . .
well written and emotive release of what many of us ask also
you are not alone, I know that!. . chukles. . this was a familiar theme contemplated by many after a storm of emotion
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I think we all have our moments of anger and we lose the control of our temper. I don't know you personally, but for what I know you are a man that wants and try to live in and with peace.
The fact that you know for yourself that this anger doesn't do you good is already a huge step! And honestly, I can't imagine you being angry for nothing.
There is a big difference between to feel angry and to be angry. You aren't on the last category, I'm 99,99% sure of it
Kisses and love,
Mari
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A scorching, Soul-searching write, my Friend.
Oh, my Friend...I hear you...we all hear your Beautiful Heart...Mark, you are 'only Human'...& yes, I do understand what you're saying here...we Poets do tend to be our own best & worst judges, my Friend...& we feel so very deeply about everything in our World...I read the 'debate' earlier...John (bluffininlv) clued me in to what was going on...no wonder you needed to 'cleanse the dust from your Soul'!!! sigh There is nothing I can say to you...you need to say it to yourself, I guess...just like I do...but know this, Dear Poet...we are here, listening...I am here, willing to listen...or talk...or just BE, in Silence...you are a FINE MAN, Mark Rickerby!!! I have known this since you first visited my pages...& I read your quotes...& experienced your generous nature...Mark...be well...& please... Smile, Mark...'Tis only Life...
Wanda...YOUR FRIEND
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Wow Mark, this is really strong. I truly believe you are an amazing writer. I am always blown away at your work and even look forward to new posts from you. This piece was harsh and I felt a thud in my chest after reading. It had a bit of darkness to it. I am impressed with your ability to to turn thought into words, words into sentences and those sentences into poetry.
Anna
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