I want to study psychology
but don't want to pay
so I study you
reading your face
and words.
Please, don't be
so circumspect;
I mean no harm
(unless it benefits me)
I like the way you look
when no one is watching.
I like the way you think
when your mind isn't set on me.
I own the pain you sense
when I'm the one inflicting
I collect the things you feel
like gems in a paper bag.
Just brush your hair and
let it all flow away.
Avoid meeting the eyes
that accept the mascara
and the mask
that goes with it.
Don't lean too close-
the reflection may prove
too true...
And never
let it be known
that fear motivates
and dictates
that part of you
that will not see
the part of you
in me.
Author notes
Written October 3rd, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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there is a mystery written here that may very well be the personal acquaintance you have with the person you've chosen as your subject. sometimes there is the us we want others to see in battle with the us we truly are. that also appears to be relevant in this poem. a very moving work of self as well as others in reflection. i like reading poetry on this site that has been posted here for a while. seems like you're an oldie on the site. lol
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ha ha! you found an oldie. I've got older ones but they all suck so I took them away. that's not to say this one doesn't suck but it says a thing that needs saying, you might say...
thanks for reading
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Like Danna, I see the paranoia in this piece. The inherently selfish parts of us we don't like to attribute to ourselves. Far easier to mirror our flaws through others. Potentially less painful to study the limitations of those closest to us, avoiding reflection and introspection, excavation of our own depths. Might not like what we see.
Exceptional piece. Cleverly written.
~ Sonia ~ X -
I definitely like the paper bag better.
~*~Kat C~*~ -
you never mentioned you had a strap-on either
that paper bag line used to be: 'like gems in a pot of clay'
you think it's better this way? -
I love it. The first stanza is really clever and I like the image of the gems in a paper bag.
On another note, you've never offered me a blowjob. I thought we were friends.
~~Kat C~~ -
"...and i collect the things you feel
-beryls- in my burlap sack"
eh? am i getting anywhere?
i think i'm spinning my wheels, i'll apply myself elsewhere.
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I see the ... paranoia in this poem, and the selfishness, but it also made me think of how I still don't even trust my own husband in some ways, because I judge him by the past, and so, even when we are being our most intimate, there is a part of me that is always observing, scrutinizing. Or maybe I am that way because I am a writer, and maybe I saw that because I am very egocentric and have to make everything about me
This is really a good poem. I like the ominous tone. -
check that and tell what you think. I want the glitter/gems vs. something plain - clay pots, paper bags - contrast to be stronger.
Edited on Apr 14, 1:59 because ''. -
yeah, I agree with the clay thing. it always seemed a bit anticlimactic. think I'll try to find something different.
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parantheses block off the 'aside' that gives the poem its voyeuristic edge, effective.
"I like the way you look
when no one is watching
I like the way you think
when your mind isn't set on me
I experience the pain you sense
when I'm the one inflicting
and I collect the things you feel
like gems in a pot of clay"
after watching/inflicting slant, clay is a bit of a let-down...
'tis all, i like it. i've stumbled upon the people who can write. hurrah. -
Deeper inside you saw someone.. I enjoyed this.. and laughed too hard at the comments.. I liked the bit about mascara.. Underneath the fake basically.. Seeing the flaws and the real beauty.. The last line summed it up perfectly.. Brazen and so true..
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Short crit. It's song-like. And fucking good.
(Jaunts off) -
eiiwwww
when did you turn gay?
lol -
no, but if you wear that strap-on, I'll give ya a blow-job
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do i gets a gowld stah?
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nope. I think you got very close to the heart of it. it IS about trust and the writer/narrator is supposed to be a bit... dangerous in a hidden/secret kind of way. he/she is an observer, watching over the shoulder of the person in the poem - seeing all the things that the person doesn't see themselves.
not really much love in it though. it's more about the paranoia of most humans and the security they feel in their own minds while there are people out there that can see right through the bullshit.
very close you came to the core. insightful of you. -
there was something hiddenly selfish within this...
I know it was the (uless it benifits me).. that changed how
I read the rest of this...from there on out I didnt trust the writer as much as before that line...
like a cautious love.
like a foreshadow of what you might be about...
dunno.. just me fumbling about like an elephant before a rose -
thanks for reading. yes, james is very thorough. we made a deal and he fulfilled his side of it superbly. I regret it seems that he didn't read many of my poems for the pleasure of reading (but that may only have been the circuimstances of the arrangement). he made some very valid points on the critiques he gave me and I value that.
also, I'm glad you read for the pleasure and enjoyed. most of my poems are of this style (which I don't know the name of because it's the way I write naturally) so you shouldn't be too disappointed if you read more. if you like the mind-tweak thing, might I suggest A Field of Stone (or Stones - I can't remember which) that you can find somewhere near the top of my list as it is relatively recent.
thanks again for reading. I'll have to visit you in the near future. -
breathtaking
Well I see James has been here with this scalpel slicing and dicing...I am so glad I read the poem prior to his critique...very thorough, is he not?
well, personally I can't see much wrong with this at all. I was caught and hooked from the first few lines and was thoroughly not disappointed with the rest of it.
The first thing that struck me was just how personal this piece is...I felt as if I wanted to look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching me read it. Like it was written just for me. There is some outstanding imagery here and the word play is just right - not over the top at all. I like to read a poem and accept it for what it is and nothing more. i hardly noticed the repetition and the lack of formula or whatever. This one flowed beautifully and I am a fan of this style anyway. All in all, I can hardly fault it. It appeals to me is so many ways and as a first read of yours, I think it may well gaurantee that I will be back.
and never
let it be known
that fear motivates
and dictates
that part of you
that will not see
the part of you
in me...
whew. I'm left breathless and hungering for more.
blessings, always ~ crisstiena
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I think it is quite good, well I really like it anyway. I guess I don't know from good.
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Wow, this was quite an amazing write! So I'm not the only one with these feelings..lol. What an honest and excellent piece! Thanks for the creation
~Tina -
first off, I hate to critique a critique, but the use of repeation is annoying... lol. repetition is the word you're looking for.
as for the repetition of 'your', I agree. there should and could be a better word to replace one of those. I will look for it.
circumspect I see as an 'average' word. it's widely used in language today and, as a last resort, it's easily researched.
what I was trying for (and apparently fell short of) was an internal rhyme scheme. I know I didn't quite make the cut on this. it doesn't flow as nicely as I'd like and it doesn't have quite the amount of rhyming I'd like to see to reinforce the other rhymes. excellent view on that.
that capitalization of never has driven me nuts for a as long as I've had this posted. I've asked a few other opinions about it but I still have the idea myself that it shouldn't be caps. thanks for backing that up. I may leave it or may change it... I'm undecided as of yet.
thanks for reading and I hope there was something you enjoyed in it at the least
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I want to study psychology
but don't want to pay
so I study you
and read the facts on your face
and in your words.
I don't like the repeation of your. I think that seeing it is only three words or so spaced from each other, it works more as a unstabling factor towards your poem. I think that you could possibly make this a lot better of a first stanza by ridding the second your and replacing it with something with same meaning but a different word. I think it would liven up this piece more so than it is now.
Please don't be so circumspect
I mean no harm
(unless it benefits me)
Here I don't think circumspect is a fitting word. You use very average english throughout this piece and here is the only segment where you chose to diverge from your formula. I would suggest finding another word for the point you were trying to make and replace it with that. Circumspect is too heavy by itself to just leave floating in the middle of the piece with no other words of its caliber to give it credence.
I like the way you look
when no one is watching
I like the way you think
when your mind isn't set on me
I experience the pain you sense
when I'm the one inflicting
and I collect the things you feel
(like gems in a pot of clay
Just brush your hair and
let it all flow away)
Yes these are two separate pieces of two separate stanzas but there is an annoying rhyme here, consecutive or partial rhyme can be good, but a rhyme plopped down in the muck of things just doesn't fit. The same here applies as it did before, find another word to replace either of the rhyming words.
don't look at the eyes
that accept the mascara
and the disguise
that goes with it.
Again rhyming "eyes" and "disguise", in the muck of things, with no direct placing it seems. The same applications as above.
Don't lean too close-
the reflection may be clearer
and never,
NEVER! - the capitalization here is fumbling and jerks the readers attention making them pause for that one second where they may just lose care to be reading. Also I don't think you need never twice, it doesn't fit you really don't need it unless you are either trying to define something with much emotion or trying too hard to catch our attention, but to a reader i just seems like an attempt to keep them occupied (at least from my perspective)
let it be known
that fear motivates
and dictates - there is, I believe a muddle rhyme here, barely noticeable on first glance, but you might want to check this out, it makes the piece feel unstable and compulsive.
that part of you
that will not see
the part of you
in me...*
Your repeation in many of the parts of the poem come off more as desperation to fill lines, from the perspective I am forming as both a reader and as a critic, it might be advisable to take away some of the repeation and either add some more lines to fill in the fat of the skeleton or just leave it as it is and go from there.
Another thing I notices as well is your use of varied areas of capitalization which in my personal opinion I do not believe adds any benefiting factor to your work, it merely functions as another diversion of attention for the reader, but this is only coming from my personal view on things that I do not feel are necessary.
Overall I think you have a very interesting piece that strikes us with both personal and universal truths that can be taken by the reader and places within their own scope of view. You have an interesting way of putting things together and I believe with a little touching up this poem will be excellent.
You can either take my suggestions or tell me to take my pen and shove it somewhere uncomfortable. That is up to you entirely. Hopefully this critique will help.
much love,
James
Edited on Oct 08, 10:00 p.m. because ''. -
This part caught my attention...very honest
Please don't be so circumspect
I mean no harm
(unless it benefits me)
This part turned me on...very sexy
I like the way you look
when no one is watching
I like the way you think
when your mind isn't set on me
You obviously have a great knowledge of yourself, and could probably be payed by other men to give them the same kind of inner knowledge. I like the figurative language used here..the personification of eyes that accept mascara..and the simile, gems in a clay pot..you have some talent. Your pretty cute in your picture on your authors page too lol. I will bookmark you and come back to see if I can "pretend" to like any other of your poems, as your comment says
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This is so intriguing..I love how it strays from typical love poems. Wonderful! I really admire your works!
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I too love the "short spurt" form, and it goes well with the sentiment. People are more real when they let their guard down and I think you have captured that moment/feeling well. (As always) I truely enjoyed this. (and yes it is very insightful)
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Well can learn a lot from the people that surround us, the only thing that I fear, more often then not people stick with what they believe, many choose not to learn, not to speak and consort with on a deeper level.
But this poem, this piece was brilliantly done, when we let our guards down, when we are truly ourselves we are at peace. There is emotion unguarded, there is reality as real as can be.
I am rambling...what I am trying to say is...fabulous piece!
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Well I for one like the "short spurt" (If thats what you call it) Form of this poem. I quite often like poems that dont fit into ideal format or rhyme sceam etc. It just makes them all the more interesting if its done well and this is.
I've read this three times and I cant fault it. I like it alot. BON -
*Bookmark*. I've missed reading your poems. Barbie. Xx
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nice kyew, done well, the thoughts twisted behind a mask, all things said when words can't be spoken ..... reminds me of many of the conversational i have while sitting on a park bench mentally talking to a stranger that is walking by, or feeding the ducks ....... much enjoyed, thanks for sharing this ..... *cheers*
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Interesting
Kyew.... tisk tisk tisk, don't you know by now I check in here late at night like 2-3 am and don't wanna analyze a poem to understand it?? =P Great write very interesting, and insightful on your inner psyche (erm check the spelling on that) =P -
lol, the site is all about poets critiquing other poets. I wouldn't get mad unless you came to my poem saying "what a great write! keep it up!" and that was all.
as for the 'short spurt' thing, I just wrote this a few minutes ago and will more than likely be editing it. although I have to say that this method of communication in poetry does appeal to me so it may not change all that much.
thank you for reading and I hope you got something out of it you liked in the least.
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Interesting, i didnt particularly like the short spurt form that you used, but i did like some of the vocabulary choice there... i wish you would just let it flow for a minute, it totally gets rid of the fluidity of the work, but i like what you had to say, good job, keep it up, and dont take it the wrong way, if your mad, come say bad shit about my work, i dont care, im just being honest, come read my poems and be honest too... just dont get mad over a little criticizm, tahts what the site is all about
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ah, you see through most of my poems... lol
ya know, you're beginning to piss me off. I can't write anything strange and mysterious without youn coming around and ruining it! lmao!!!!
very insightful, barb. you get the prize for this one head of the nail and all that
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then again, I may be wrong
"Please don't be so circumspect
I mean no harm
(unless it benefits me)" interesting, very interesting. Somehow that sets the tone for this piece. Insightful and thought provoking. -
that was a beautiful poem... wish i could give a better comment, but i'm never good at these things... lol. keep up the good work, though
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Whoa.... Very deep. I like the last part;
Don't lean too close-
the reflection may be clearer
and never,
NEVER!
let it be known
that fear motivates
and dictates
that part of you
that doesn't see
the part of you
in me...
Almost spooky. I got a chill...
Interesting and in a way insightful...
hummm...
Pat
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