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The Equation

Missing image


Shards, of frozen tears cascade
towards the heart of man;
Bitterness enveloped, hatred
engulfs the self righteous,
who scream abuse and dissent,
as is their right ;But what rights have
the gentle of heart ,who want
nothing,  ask nothing, only a freedom
that should be everyones right;
Why are we better than our neighbour?
what makes us believe thus?
Is it our need, to improve, and in improving
move forward to unseen perils;
Why risk all, in our quest to remain
supreme ; Is it not possible, to live
in harmony, can we not learn from
others ? Do we want peace, or do we
prefer to have dominance over others;
As time passes, history repeats itself
over and over, thereby, reducing numbers
and keeping the equation in balance..........

 

Author notes

mmm...not too sure where this came from. I am not refering to a war state. It is what I see around me......
Written October 3rd, 2004

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • cutiepie gold member
    October 4, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you I am very pleased that you had your "Critical mode" in gear. I am always so pleased for advise and I never take offense as long as people are honest and dont just say " it stinks" I understand what you are saying, my problem is always that I dont use hard enough diction, ( when I say hard I mean that sometimes I write in anger and then feel guilty and try to soften it ) has this effect of not hitting hard enough...the word "Dominance" fits better than "Edge? is this more of what you had in mind? I shall definatly re-read this poem and adjust I am so grateful for the time you spent with your critique


  • windhover3 gold member
    October 4, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    As usual, you have a good solid point underlying this piece, a very human and humanitarian feel, and the final image of this piece is worth the price of admission.

    I'm in my critical mode, so please forgive me, but I honestly think this piece would be better after re-working. The heart of it is all here, but the simple inquisitive nature of the expressions doesn't carry a rhythm or cadence which really seems to draw out the cycling of history or the questing of your intellect, or the balance which seems broken. The message is here, but it doesn't seem to have been infused into the form. I can't even really suggest a direction, because I'm not sure what you would want emphasized, but I think this could be allowed to gel and returned to with very positive pay-off.

    The only phrasing which seemed a little off to me was "have the edge". I understand what you're saying, and I find it appropriate in that sense, but the phrase itself strikes me as too soft, too casual for a discussion of the roots of conflict and cycles of history.

    I think you've laid a solid foundation, and perhaps in another mind-set it would strike me as more complete, but right now it strikes me as a sketch, providing the outline for a fuller image working its way to the surface,
    Brian


  • cutiepie gold member
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    That is it ... The first sentance arrives and then there it is done !, it never fails to amaze me Many thanks for your kind words, they are always appreciated


  • Dreamweaver silver member
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Another very thought provoking write Cutiepie.
    It is amazing where they come from sometimes.
    I know that I cant start with a line or a sentence and then wham! It is done and you are left wondering, Did I really say that?
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
    Take care,
    (((((HUGS)))))
    Sammy


  • cutiepie gold member
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Aw, you do know how to cheer me up Ok there is one just for you called "The Wise One" as requested


  • Night Hope gold member
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    hugs you hard You c'mon over to MY place...I don't!!! Just posted five I wrote after 3 a.m. hehehe Aw, c'mon, Sweetheart!!! Please cheer up...do another critter poem!!! You'll make yourself giggle!!! TTYL...I have to go offline....at least, until later...LOL... SMILE, Sweetheart...'tis only Life... Wanda

  • cutiepie gold member
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you sorry I have my doom and gloom head on tonight


  • Night Hope gold member
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply

    comprehensive write, my Friend...

    Beautiful, Lynne...very observant...descriptive...lucid...well done, my Friend... Wanda

  • cutiepie gold member
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you

  • Buchan
    October 3, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    History does repeat it's self.we can learn.....well expressed

1 - 10 of 10