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Sight & Sound

Missing image

~'~

Screeching calls pierce the air
Compelling me to lift my eyes
As there... Behold!
A flock a thousand strong
across the azure skies ~

Flushing the heavens vibrant rose
Then as they wheel, to grey
How comical the raucous sound
from a sight that makes my day!



 

 

 

Author notes

Photo of galahs by 'bigbadja' on Birdforum.net
www.birdforum. net

NOTE: 'raucous': adj. 1. harsh-sounding 2. loud
Not to be confused with the colloquial term
'ruckus': noun row; commotion

Written September 30th, 2004

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Comments

1 - 52 of 52

  • rbruce gold member
    November 24, 2008

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    Maybe not your best poem but very good and a true description of a flying flock of galahs. I see them every day. Good poem.


  • Kari gold member
    April 17, 2008

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    Awww, so very beautiful. Now that would be a wonderful site to see! Reminds me of a nature site that I visted in Savannah Georgia and saw lots of birds flocking together.


  • nilav
    February 2, 2007
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    flushing the heavens vibrant rose..that makes my day...beautiful..so much beauty in so few words...

  • Amy-gail
    March 8, 2006
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    short but very sweet... i like short poems, sometimes they can reflect more than a longer poem ever could
    like i said good job!!

    Amy


  • Maatkara gold member
    February 4, 2006
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    Thank you, MG! The name of the bird species is noted in my author comments, as well as detailed information throughout the comment replies. Glad you liked the poem.

    ~Gen


  • Mystical-Gardenia
    February 4, 2006
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    Excellent!! Brava!!

    Truly a striking piece as it quickly and memorably becomes the glory of nature The birds are equisite I don't know what kind they are I have not seen them before could you please tell me the species? Fascinating!!

    An amazing unique refrshing write


  • Anna Emkah
    February 3, 2006
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    Thanks Gennelle. Good luck. Anna.

  • Maatkara gold member
    February 1, 2006
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    Thank you, Jane!
    I liked your "playing" - I don't find that 'rude' at all, on the contrary, I appreciate the time and interest taken to look at possibilities.

    I see what you mean about 'calls' not being immediately obvious as a noun. I like "to where", that may be better there.
    I prefer 'a thousand" to "one" though (easier to enunciate).

    The thing with "crosses" instead of 'across' is that it doesn't convey the fact that the flock is so huge it actually covers the sky in view. As they wheel (bank in turn), in unison, the colour changes as their upper grey colouring is seen.

    Thank you for such a thoughtful critique, Jane. You've been very helpful!

    ~Gen
    Edited on Feb 02, 3:22 because 'typo'.

  • oneluckygirl
    February 1, 2006
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    After the depth of other works in this workshop, I must say this comes as a breath of fresh air. As I am a fan of the outdoors and the joys it brings, I am immediately drawn by the excellent photo and how you have used color to complement it. Not knowing this particular bird, I would have painted a different picture in my mind’s eye and ear so the picture is doubly appreciated.

    It is a simple piece – most enjoyable as it is but as we are all looking for room for potential growth, I share the following nit pick:

    In the opening line my mind takes a tiny bump at .. calls, unable at first to see it as a noun. So I might be tempted to remove it and simply have the line read as


    Screechings pierce the air
    calling me to lift my eyes
    to where … Behold!
    A flock one thousand strong
    crosses azure skies.

    Flushing heavens vibrant rose
    as then they wheel, to grey
    How comical such raucous sound
    from ?? sights should make my day!

    Okay, so I got carried away in my playing. Some think this rude, but I mean it in the most kind way. Any piece I enjoy enough to have such fun with is definitely a good sign. I definitely am enjoying the original and the discussion of ideas around it.

    Best of luck to you in your efforts.
    Jane

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 30, 2006
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    Thank you, Myra!
    Can you offer an alternative to 'from', then? As the last two lines are a complete sentence, it still needs a word there for natural syntax.

    Maybe 'From a sight that makes my day' would soften the stress there, making it 3 beats instead of 4.

    ~Gen
    Edited on Jan 30, 3:45 p.m. because 'typo - I need new glasses!'.


  • myrataal silver member
    January 30, 2006
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    Very visual and auditive

    A lovely, zesty, dynamic poem in motion and in sound! I loved this, Gennelle. Thank you!

    I agree with Ruth on the word "from" -- on reading the poem, the reader instinctively AND rationally makes the connection between sound and sight, for your have written with clarity and with accuracy. There can be NO doubt about that. Leaving "from" out, will definitely improve the rhythm.

    Wonderful picture -- how wondrous an Artist God is!

    Love

    Myra

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 29, 2006
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    Thank you, Ruth! Appreciate your comment very much.
    Not sure 'from' could be replaced and retain the clear sense of where the sound was coming from. That's the contrast of sight and sound.


  • RuthKephart
    January 29, 2006
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    Wow, the picture of the birds that accompanies this piece is beautiful. Oh, how I'd love to see that flock in person I rather like your change in meter from the first stanza to the last, I don't know, for some reason it gives this short piece a bit of spark! The only place I found I got hung up a bit was with the word from at the start of the final line and that may just be me. best wishes in the contest
    Ruth

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 29, 2006
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    Ah, ok I see what you mean, but it's the sight specifically that is so affective.. 'their flight' is more indifferent somehow.


  • Lyndon gold member
    January 29, 2006
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    HAHAHAHA lol ! Gennelle, I was serious. Try "Their flight". Ron

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 29, 2006
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    It would if I were flying with them, maybe (I have flown with eagles in a sailplane before)...but as it is an observation from the ground it would confuse the sense I think

  • Lyndon gold member
    January 28, 2006
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    Hi, again, Gennelle. Looking at the poem for the 4th time, would "flight" be more interesting than "sight"? Just a thought; perhaps even, an idle thought. Ron


  • cubert
    January 28, 2006
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    lmao@holy crap

    ok, thanks for telling me that! feel free to ignore everything I said than lol

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 28, 2006
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    Ah, ok, thank you for the clarification, I appreciate it Yes, I understand what you mean about 'Behold!'.. it was intentional as a 'wow' effect, of 'biblical proportions' you could say .. Sounds better than 'holy crap' for instance

  • cubert
    January 28, 2006
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    I understood James to have meant "floweriness" so my bad, sorry. It was words like "behold" that I had in mind, but like I said (none too clearly, sorry), the language does enhance the humour as well, so if that was your intent, then my comment becomes moot.

    I see your point about the reaction to sound.....I'm working that out in my head. Somewhere around the 20th read, I found a beat I could live with. I was very specific about what disrupted the flow for me, but it is just my opinion. I can reconcile that as the reader. Perhaps the fault lies with me.

    I think your word change at the beginning of S2 works better, though I hadn't been bothered by it the first time around. All in all, it's a good piece.


  • masterblaster gold member
    January 28, 2006
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    Hi, short and great, this has lovely feel and poem and pic belong together, it must be wonderful to see these birds in flight together, lovely poem. all the best in the comp. Di

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 28, 2006
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    Thank you, cubert Since it is a reaction to sudden sounds, isn't that indicated by that "jerky, shifting gears kind of feeling" you mentioned? Any suggestions?

    Perhaps you could elaborate on what you think is "too ornate" in the language (although that is not actually what James said, he was referring to the 'flowiness', i.e. not his preferred style).
    Btw, I have since changed S2; L1.

    It's always more helpful to explain what you mean specifically

    ~Gen

  • cubert
    January 28, 2006
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    The rhythm changes from the first stanza to the second gave me a jerky, shifting gears kind of feeling, which was a real drag. I hold two words responsible..."And there!" lol That extra line just threw me all off.

    I agree with James about the language, it's too ornate, but if you were playing around with that on purpose, I did laugh! lol I got a big kick out of the way it ended. I can hear he sound in my head, and you're right it is funny how the sound of them screeching conflicts with the pleasure of watching them. Like something that moves with such grace shouldn't sound like that!

    I think this piece is an easy fix (if you put any stock in my whinging). Even the language could work to enhance the humour with a tiny bit of tweaking. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

  • Lyndon gold member
    January 28, 2006
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    Yes, Gennelle, this is the poem. You did my footwork for me. Yes ... many years ... but this is the poem. Notice that Frost did not have to use a screamer(!) Ron
    Edited on Jan 29, 7:11 because ''.

  • Rowan gold member
    January 26, 2006
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    "Flushing the heavens vibrant rose"
    I love it! The word flushing works so well with the theme of flying.
    Now I see a rosy sky, without seeing baby cheeks.
    And thank you for your help with mine! Isn't it funny how we can miss a typo a thousand times, and just need someone elses eyes to set us straight! Thanks!

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 25, 2006
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    This must be the one you remembered, Lyn..

    DUST OF SNOW by Robert Frost

    The way a crow
    Shook down on me
    The dust of snow
    From a hemlock tree
    Has given my heart
    A change of mood
    And saved some part
    Of a day I had rued.

    I sse what you mean

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    Actually, Rowan, you have helped me identify the line that needs reworking, S2, L1... Something like 'vibrant rose' would maybe work better.
    Will see how to refine that line now. Thank you!
    Edited on Jan 23, 11:27 p.m. because 'typo'.

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    Aah, yeah.. thank you, Rowan! That could help, with a different descriptive term for the colour... but, suggestions? How would you describe that colour? It is such a definite 'rose'

  • Rowan gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    I love the happiness here, not all poetry has to be sorrowful, and depressing right?!
    I think the only words I would consider changing would be 'rosy pink'. Just because it's a bit cliche.
    But the rest of the poem, makes me feel like flying!
    I really enjoyed this, it made me smile. Thank you!

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    Thank you, James! But of course it is not as good as my "deeper" stuff, that's why it's here (in the Workshop)
    I already said in my notes 'I consider it rather ordinary'... actually très ordinaire for me

    So glad it doesn't sound like teenagers' stuff, that's a relief
    However, as it is a straightforward observation and reaction to a scene in nature, it is what it is.

    ~Gen
    Edited on Jan 23, 6:58 p.m. because 'typo'.


  • jaunty pill gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    This is very whimsical, but I think it is a little too flowy for my tastes. I would much prefer to see something a little deeper than this by you as I have read some of your others prior to this occasion and I don't think this is as good as some of those.

    Now, with that said, some of your word use is unique and it's not cliche like much of the teenage poetry that has spread over this sight increasingly each year. It is nice to see that there are some adults still residing at this site, after all these young people have taken over.

    I too, am younger than most, but I consider myself to be much older emotionally than my peers.

    And I would also like to see more textures added to this poem based off the picture you have chosen. There is a dozen ways you could interpret it without actually mentioning anything directly.

    Maybe I'm just more interested in deeper pieces that challenge the brain, but I still have time for other types of poetry as well.

    Thanks for your time.

    much love,
    James


  • Maatkara gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    Thank you, Ron! I must look that up, it's not one of his I'm familiar with.

    ~Gen

  • Lyndon gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    Your response to natural sights reminds me of a small poem by Robert Frost when a 'plop'of snow fell from a tree onto him. The humour of it "changed a day I had rued" I think he put it. Ron.

  • Lyndon gold member
    January 23, 2006
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    Yes, black and white cockatoos. Outback, travellers may see thousands of galahs rise into the air near roadsides or waterholes in all their pink beauty. Ron
    Edited on Jan 28, 8:20 because ''.

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 21, 2006
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    Thank you Anna! They are one of Australia's many parrot species, called a Galah (from an Aboriginal word). They gather in huge flocks in the country areas of Australia, as do the more commonly known Cockatoos.

    ~Gen
    Edited on Jan 21, 4:36 p.m. because 'typo'.

  • Anna Emkah
    January 21, 2006
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    I like this poem. Indeed, the screetching sounds of birds in the sky would also make me lift my eyes. What beautiful birds are this. Great colours. Never seen one like this ever, not even in a picture. A splendid combination: poem & picture. Even the rhyming was okay and the rhythm. Well done. Anna.

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 20, 2006
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    Thank you, Mary O! Appreciate your taking the time to look at possibilties. Not sure what you mean yet, so will wait for further input.
    However, it may help you (and others) to know that is an exact description of how the flocks in such vast numbers would, quite literally, change the colour of the sky by wheeling in unison.

    As their underside is pink, that is the first colour you see -- only when the flock turns sideways does it change to grey, their upper colouring.

    ~Gen
    Edited on Jan 20, 7:46 p.m. because 'typo'.


  • Terry-too silver member
    January 20, 2006
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    About the unusual photo, incredible to see how cleverly the tree matched the colour of the birds! Would also match jays?
    Kidding. It's lovely.
    Terry


  • Mary O gold member
    January 20, 2006
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    Such a delightful vision in words and picture.

    Just a thought:

    Screeching calls pierce the air
    Compelling me to lift my eyes
    And there! Behold
    A flock a thousand strong
    across the azure skies ~

    Turning the heavens rosy pink - Love this all up to here.

    Then as they wheel, to grey
    How comical the raucous sound [-keep this line. I want to put this line up one. The top and bottom line in this stanza I think could be worked. I come back to this later as I have to go now. Anyway, take or leave my thoughts.]
    from this sight that makes my day!

    ~Mary O

  • Maatkara gold member
    January 1, 2005
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    Thank you for your comment and applause! Glad you enjoyed it. Nostalgia for me; there are no parrots left in North America I miss the colours of Aussie birds.

    ~ G


  • Myfanwy
    January 1, 2005
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    Hi Gennelle

    I really like this, especially the contrast of the visual beauty and comical sound. Mother Nature certainly does have a sense of humour... Busy reading through your work when the maggot allows

  • Maatkara gold member
    October 13, 2004
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    Great contest, Cheryl! Good choices too.
    Thanks for the inspiration to write about my favourite
    birds, raucous as they are.
    Oh, and I've put the difference between the words
    'raucous' and 'ruckus' in my comment box so no one else
    will think I've made an error. LOL!

    ~ G

  • Maatkara gold member
    October 12, 2004
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    Thank you, Cheryl! Bingo! you are absolutely right on the identity, but this should clear up the colouring for you (pic now added to poem).

    ~ G
    Edited on Dec 02, 6:41 p.m. because ''.


  • MagicLady silver member
    October 12, 2004
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    Beautiful poem

    I only know of one bird that this sounds like, and that is the Galah. I might be wrong because the Galah is pink on top and grey on the bottom. You described it as being grey when they fly, or at least I got that impression. They fly in flocks, and make a really loud "raucaus". So this is my only guess as what this lovely little poem and bird could be...the Galah. Please let me know if I am correct. If I am wrong, you did a great job. Thanks for the wonderful poem.

    Cheryl


  • Lyrical Soul silver member
    October 2, 2004
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    This is very lovely. Nice job on this. I have an idea what kind of bird this is. I'll IM you with my answer
    ~Lyrical


  • Nicolette gold member
    October 2, 2004
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    Lovely image.

    Beautiful vision of birds in flight! Made me think of African plains and marshes (and I think I know which bird you've painted here so "rosey pink") I always love nature poems and this one is no exception. Indeed a flock of birds that compells one to lift your eyes...!!
    Nicolette


  • Mari Goes gold member
    October 2, 2004
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    The bird sings, the poem sings, we all sing in the sky and here at your page
    Very nice Ge! This poem sways in a magic color...

    K&L,
    Mari

  • myrataal silver member
    October 2, 2004
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    Sheer exultation

    Ah - these sounded like pelicans-in-flight I want to become a rosy motion above a misty horizon ... I want to move with roaring Silence ...

    Thank you for flinging me into clear skies of joy.

    Myra

  • Terry-too silver member
    October 1, 2004
    Edit | Reply

    Thank yo

    How indeed can a thing of majestic beauty sound so raw!!
    The colour change I see is of pink-breasted birds, who on wheeling, display the gray of the tops of wings and body.

    In expression, we have the essence here without unnecessary baggage as would have been superimposed if you had used a particular poetic form. Good thing, too!

    I really like the moving image here, and can accept whatever sound is natural for them. A pleasure as always, to read, and to share such a moving experience! --Dee
    Edited on Oct 01, 5:02 p.m. because 'omission'.

  • surfermike
    September 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    great . . this subject i love . .lol. . i have writen so many in my file of hundreds ;P. . chukles . .now i know this contest . .this felt excellent and created the picture of birds hooning their way home across the evening sky(for me )
    great
    mike


  • Ladybug
    September 30, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    nice form but what I love most are the lyrics that sound as you read this one...
    pen on!
    Tamara


  • MargaretG
    September 30, 2004
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    Sweet!

    I remember a butterfly that changed colour as it flew from shade to sunlight, and your flock of birds going from rose to grey reminds me of it. What kind of birds are they? A large flock can be very loud!
    Your meter and rhyme are excellent! (I would have written it as two couplets, but you are not I.)

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